Random things

We still don't know any more on John's job. Heartland still hasn't made a decision on the outsourcing issue. There are NO jobs around here. Even Kansas City has a lack of computer jobs. John has started to apply for some jobs out of state. I'm trying not to worry too much, we will just go wherever life takes us. I really love living here, but I started thinking about how much life has sucked since we moved back. I mean, the very day we moved into our house, Steve was murdered. Lots of crappy things that I can't even blog about have happened this past year. It's seriously been the worst year of my life. I'm almost convinced that we have cursed the family by moving back.

Want to hear something weird? I took a picture the other day and went to view it on the camera, and there were pictures there that we deleted a long time ago. Mostly pictures of Mikayla from when she was a newborn. There's a few on there of Dakota - I'm not even positive when those pictures were taken. It kind of creeps me out that they just appeared back on our camera like that, after almost 2 years. And speaking of creepy... I don't think I blogged about this... a few weeks ago, Dakota had a little chair in the kitchen and he was standing on it trying to reach a plate. The chair slid and Dakota fell off. He walked over to me crying - he wasn't even near the chair at the time - and the chair did a complete flip by itself. I am not making things up - trust me - I have tried telling myself that I was seeing things but I know I wasn't. I told John about it and practically begged him to give me a reasonable explanation on how that could have happened, but of course he couldn't. It was just in the middle of the kitchen floor with nothing around it. If it would have shifted it's weight or something, that would have been one thing. But for it to completely flip over is crazy. I have never noticed anything strange in this house before that. And I am a skeptic when it comes to ghosts. I'm not saying that I don't believe. I try to keep an open mind about things. I just have trouble believing in what I can't see. My mom said that when I was little I would say that a person would stand at the end of my bed. I have no recollection of that though and the whole thought of that just freaks me out. And it doesn't help that John isn't home at nights... Anyone else have any ghostly encounters??? You know, I used to be more open minded. I used to be more of a believer in things like ghosts, ufo's, and even God. I think the older I have gotten, the more "logical" my way of thinking has gotten. I have to find a logical reason to explain the unexplained. And I'm not a dreamer like I used to be. I don't bother with dreams because most of the time you're just going to be let down. I don't believe in love at first sight. I'm not sure I believe in soul mates (but if there is such a thing I'm sure I've found mine). I'm not sure that things happen for a reason. I have wanted so badly to believe in that, but what reasoning is there for a child being brutally murdered. For anyone being murdered? For a baby to be born, and then die the next day. I'm sick of people saying that it must be part of God's plan. There is not, and will never be, a perfectly good explanation as to why certain things happen. And why pray if God supposedly has things already planned out? Ok, well here I go rambling and writing a book. These are just the random thoughts in my head - not to offend anyone.

Oh, we went to Steve's grave today. We were hoping the headstone would be in. It's been almost a year now and it's still not done. I know it was being done overseas, it's going to be a special one. I can't wait to see it. It's kind of weird, while I was there a sudden wave of sadness came over me. Like, heavy sadness - which hasn't totally gone away - hence my down and negative mood tonight. Probably doesn't help that I forgot to take my anti-depressant this morning. Well, the tylenol pm is kicking in so it's time to get to bed...