story of my life

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I have never fit in. Actually, I've thought about it a lot my whole life. I don't really know when it started...but it got worse with time. I'm not positive what started it, I think just a variety of things. Being diagnosed with Arthritis didn't help - that was an "old persons" disease. Kids didn't get arthritis - well maybe freaks. After all, I was a freak - I had 4 kidneys. "Normal" people didn't have extra organs. I was legally blind by this age as well, though I was somehow able to hide that fact from my parents for a long time. I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want glasses. I didn't want to look or feel like more of a freak. I don't know how I was able to make it through life with everything a blur. Also, all my friends either moved on or moved away. I remember being told I was ugly, I had a big butt, big teeth, having things thrown at me, made fun of because I couldn't play sports in gym, whatever.... I am sure I don't even remember the half of it, but I know my self esteem hit rock bottom. Oh, how could I forget - I was also so "cool" that I had a song written about me...

"There was an old lady named Tishia Hull, she grew whiskers on her balls, the wind blew them off and she grew tall, poor old Tishia Hull"

Yeah, the words are ridiculously stupid and were written by some stupid boys. But a young girl just can't blow that stuff off, especially when her "crush" was one of those boys.

I learned to just keep to myself. Didn't know who I could trust. Didn't really like anybody. In High School I dyed my hair black. I was already a freak, why not make a statement about it? Luckily, John noticed me and was somehow lured in by my quirky ways. I'm sure to an outsiders point of view - we seemed like opposites. He was the country-singing guitar player. He had a great personality - could have a conversation with anyone. Was liked by both the popular and non-popular crowds. I was the one nobody talked to. But somehow, we had so much in common. We liked a lot of the same things - we were perfect together. On a Saturday night - when the other kids would be going to parties or whatever, our idea of fun was walking around walmart and getting ice cream at Pit Stop South. (Hey - it IS a small town).

It's been 10 years since I graduated, and I still feel like an outsider. John and I are happily married and we have 2 wonderful kids. Things are great. But I still don't feel like I fit in. It's hard to explain. I don't hardly have any friends, I never did fit in with the people I worked with, I don't even feel like I fit in with my family. Sometimes I feel like I came from another planet or something. I don't have things in common with most other people. My idea of a good time on a Saturday night is reading a good book. Other people my age? They are at the bar. Am I seriously the only person on this Earth that does not like alcohol? And the thought of being in a bar - a building with tons of people - drunks no less - makes me cringe. I have a thing about large crowds. I'm fine at an amusement park or something - but I'd rather crawl under a rock than to be in a building full of people. It's partially a claustrophobic thing I think, though I've been told that I have social anxiety disorder. Anyway, it would be nice to be invited to do something with someone once in awhile. But since I don't do bars, I guess that's out of the question. Because going out to eat or to the movies or something isn't cool. Maybe I should make friends with the elderly crowd. No, actually when I'm a little old lady, I'll be the one sitting by myself in the corner of the nursing home cafeteria because I won't "fit in" with the other old people.

I can only hope that my kids can grow up with better self-images than what I have. You know, I think I really like the Twilight series because I really feel like I identify with Bella in a lot of ways. Maybe I need to find a family of vampires to be able to "fit in" in this world.