Counseling

I had my first appointment with a new counselor today. Awhile back, my doc suggested that I see this counselor who she said was really good. There was a bit of a waiting list, and it just so happens that my first appt. with her was 5 days after Alysia's death. I think it was good timing. I'm sort of having some trouble dealing with this. I keep getting this image in my head of seeing her in that casket - and she didn't look like herself at all. I know that the car accident was a very traumatic one - and that she had a lot of injuries. And I knew all that beforehand... I don't know, it's just hard to explain. I also found out that Alysia didn't die instantly. She was screaming "help me" before she died and that just breaks my heart :( It also breaks my heart to see my aunt and uncle go through their grief. They are such good people - they would do anything to help anyone. About a couple of weeks ago, I ran into them at Walmart and asked them if they knew where the rag rugs were - the type Dakota needed for school. Vetra went out of her way to call me about the rug afterwards to see if I ever found one and to search for one while she was out and about shopping. Most people wouldn't have cared or given it a second thought if I found the rug or not. That's just the type of people they are.

I was at 2 funerals last week for young people. It just goes to show that it doesn't matter how old you are - it only takes an instant to die. Life is so fragile and that is part of what is bothering me. I am prone to anxiety, but all this just about puts me over the edge. I am scared to death. I am scared OF death. I am scared of anyone else I know dying. I am scared to ride in a car out of town. I'm scared of myself dying. Nobody knows exactly what happens when you die. And I know there are a billion people that will tell me otherwise, but there is NO PROOF. Faith is something the counselor talked to me about today. She is very religious. Some people just don't seem to understand that I can't believe in something just because I want to. I know people judge me for that, but the fact is - I can't help it. I can be told a million times, I can read about it a million times, but it will still be hard for me to believe... Trust me, I want to believe so badly that Heaven exists and that people will be with their loved ones again someday. I will go out on a limb and pray... "God, if you exist - give me a sign. And killing off my family members isn't a very good one..."

Anyway, the counselor thinks she needs to see me on a weekly basis for awhile. Luckily, I only have a $20 copay with this counselor (compared to the $40 copay with the other one I was seeing). One thing she said was that she thinks I have attachment issues to my kids, and in return - they've got some attachment issues to me. I have to admit that she's right... She said that I need to start going on dates with John and take the kids to a babysitter. I just sort of feel incomplete when my kids aren't with me. When John and I do actually go to a sit-down restaurant, we always take the kids with us. I like having them there. I think my social anxiety plays a part in my attachment issues though. Since I don't really like going places and being around people, I never have a need to get a babysitter.

Voc Rehab called me last week, to verify how to spell my name. Apparently, they didn't have it spelled correctly so none of the doctors offices would send them my medical records. So, who knows when I will hear something from them. The counselor I talked to today told me that she wouldn't be suprised if Voc Rehab paid for me to take graphic designs classes at the college. I hope she's right....