Appointments

I met with my counselor again. She seems to think that something in my childhood has happened to make me feel the way I do about myself, and to feel the way I feel around people. I really don't know what that could be. I don't remember most of my childhood at all. And it seems like my long term memory is just getting worse. I'm already forgetting a lot of things that happened when my kids were babies. The counselor thinks that maybe I should get a CAT scan done to rule out anything physical going on. That freaks me out a little bit.

I had my first appointment with a psychiatrist yesterday. He told me that with the way I dress in baggy tshirts and put my hair back, I look like I'm 40. Gee, thanks doc. I'm kinda fat so of course I'm not gonna be wearing tight fitting shirts like all the other 20-somethings do. And honestly, I don't have the motivation to do anything to my hair or wear make-up. From the moment I had Dakota, I stopped caring about stuff like that. When I was younger, I vaguely remember ALWAYS making sure I had my fingernails painted. Ok, so maybe half the time I wore purple or black polish - but atleast I cared about what my fingernails looked like. I don't think I've painted my nails in over 6 years. And am I supposed to dress nicely and wear makeup and do my hair to go see a dr??? Anyone who reads my blogs knows how I freak out about my age...so having a professional tell me that I look about 40 upsets me. I don't know if he was trying to kick my butt into making me do things that will make me feel better about myself or what... Seriously, no joke, he said "Surely, you used to look better than this"...... I'm not sure that is the best thing to say to a depressed patient. I'm thinking I should just wear a paper bag over my head.

Oh, so after that conversation we talked about my social anxiety. He decided to put me in this group therapy program. I guess he thinks that making me be in a group setting might help. I really don't think it will help but at the same time I know that isolating myself definitely isn't helping. Today was sooooo boring. There was around 7 other people in my group and a few different people came in to talk to the group as a whole about everyone's problems. So I had to listen to everyone tell the exact same story about themselves 3 times - for 5 1/2 hours. Ugggg.... And honestly I don't feel like I even belong there. I've never tried killing myself, I've never tried hurting others, I don't have psychotic episodes (like certain other people). I just don't like being around people so I guess that makes me crazy. Anyway, I'm gonna try it another day. I guess. We will see how things go.

I'm already off of the waiting list for voc rehab and I had an appt this afternoon. It was kind of a waste. I was hoping they could help me pay for some graphic design classes or something. But John makes to much money for us to be able to qualify for that. They are supposed to help me look for a job but considering that there aren't any jobs here (especially ones that don't require me to stand for long periods of time), I'm not holding out any hope.

Our cat has been using us as a scratching post so John took it yesterday to get declawed. They ended up calling us to inform us that our cat Bella is not a girl. So, ummm...we looked kinda stupid. But hey, the lady that gave us the cat told us that it was a girl and we never did check. So anyway, after a vote with the kids - the new name for HIM is Jasper (yes - from Twilight).