Much randomness

I've decided that I pretty much hate myself. Really. Everything about myself. I hate my arthritis that gives me pain every day and will probably eventually cripple me. I hate my fibromyalgia that causes me even more pain, causes my hands and feet to tingle, causes my skin to feel bruised to the point where it hurts to be touched very hard. It causes extreme fatigue. I'm exhausted all the time. I hate my anxiety which causes me to worry about everything. I really hate my social anxiety which causes me to lead a lonely anti-social life. I don't think people understand how much I hate going places. I'm not comfortable unless I'm at home. I hate my depression that makes me feel down all the time. I hate the fact that I'm fat and ugly. I wish I would have appreciated myself more when I was in high school and 105 pounds. I hate the scars and imperfections of my body and the fact that I don't look like a supermodel. I hate how insecure I am. I hate how sensitive I am – things people say affect me so much. I'm sure I could keep going, but I'll stop now. I've realized that my love of reading sort of stems from hating everything about myself. I get lost in my books. Either the hero or heroine is a tortured person that hates themselves. It sounds stupid but I can relate to these fictional people so sometimes it makes me feel better about myself. I love how when I read, I can leave my life for awhile and immerse myself in somebody else's.

I guess we need a new bed. Around the time we moved to Maryville, a board under our bed broke. It made our bed dip just enough in the middle that it caused us back pain. We just put the mattress and box springs on the floor, and that's how we have slept ever since. This last week, the kids were jumping on our bed and broke something. I think it must be the springs or something. Our mattress sinks down in the middle very badly. You can't lay on it without your body rolling toward the center, and it's so uncomfortable. My hips and lower back are out of place I think. My lower back hurts so badly. I tried to sleep in the bed last night, but the angle I had to lay at hurt me so badly that I had to sleep on the couch. I guess the couch will be my new bed for a long while. We will probably have to wait until tax returns before we can afford a new bed. Why are beds so expensive???

What is it about this time of year and spiders? We've had some cold weather – the spiders should have died. Well, one could hope. Why is there an abundance of baby spiders being born? We've noticed a few in our apartment the past week or so. You know what they say, there's a few – then there's a few hundred. Or a few thousand. Or something. Or is that roaches? Anyway, if you know me then you know that I have this huge fear of spiders. It's kinda creepy how all those legs can work together. Maybe if they only had 4 legs... Oh, and then they have multiple eyes. I don't really know how many eyes they have but I know it's more than 2 and it's creepy. That's why they are called spy-ders. They were sent to Earth to spy on us. And taunt us. It's creepy.