Random current thoughts

Sometimes I think that moving back to Maryville was a mistake. John and I got married and moved away from our families at a relatively young age. We both got decent jobs, started a family, and bought a house in St. Joe. Things were good, except for the fact that we ended up hating the town. It's a fine place to visit and shop...but the neighborhoods suck. After our house was broken into, I never felt safe. We missed the small town feel of Maryville and wanted to be closer to our families. We tried for a long time to sell our house with no luck. We decided to just rent it out for a little more than what we were paying per month on it, and move back to Maryville. Great idea, right? The whole rental thing didn't go as planned. The tenant quit paying and we ended up drowning financially. We were excited about John getting a good job in Maryville, but it payed less with more responsibilities. We thought it would be worth it though. Nothing can ever go our way financially, but that's another story...

The day we moved back to Maryville, my uncle was murdered. With it being a small town, rumors were flying and people were accusing someone in my family. I was very disappointed in the people of this town and believing everything they heard. My 20 year old cousin died tragically in a car accident. Of course, being a small town, people talked about how drugs or alcohol had to be involved (which they weren't). Instead of just mourning for a family, people have to put a negative spin on everything. Yeah, I know this type of gossip happens everywhere but in smaller towns I guess it just comes back to you more easily. Other bad things have happened in the past 4-5 years we've lived here and I just feel more depressed all the time. I sometimes feel like I need to get away from it all.

Nobody ever wants anything to do with me, unless they need a babysitter or something. I realize that I'm not the easiest person to get to know. If you don't read my blog, then you probably don't know me very well. And I only open up on my blog because I don't feel like anybody reads it anyway. I have trust issues with people. My therapist says I put up walls. I guess he's right. There's a saying I heard that I really like... “Sometimes people put up walls not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down”. I don't intentionally try to keep people away, but people don't ever try to get to know me either. There's only really been a few people that have bothered. John is one of them. Trust me, I was very reluctant to date him. I'm so glad he showed an interest in me and didn't give up. Our friends Brad and Cara from St. Joe were always there too. I'm not super talkative and I don't like to talk on the phone, but that didn't stop Cara from wanting to be there and do things with me. Brad and Cara are great people, though we have grown apart because of the distance and conflicting work schedules between John and them. Another person I want to mention is Arica. She is a fellow social anxiety buddy, so we don't do a lot (though we talk online). But it means a lot that another person with social anxiety is willing to ask me to go see a movie with them, when nobody else is.

Now that Dakota has gotten an Autism diagnosis, my therapist suggested to me that he go to a larger school district. Knowing that would mean I would move away and he would lose that money – he still suggested it. He used to live in Kansas City and said that there are some schools there that have some wonderful programs for kids with Autism. Dakota has actually been asking to go to a different school so maybe this is the path we need to take. I haven't felt “settled” yet if that makes any sense. While living in St. Joe, we always had it in our minds that maybe we would sometime move back to Maryville. But neither one of us is happy here either. I mean, we are a family of 4 cramped into a 2 bedroom apartment, knowing it would be a temporary solution. We just haven't figured out what we want to do or where we want to go. The things I'm passionate about, graphic designing and reviewing books for authors, can be done anywhere I'm at. So, John is applying at some jobs in Kansas City. Doesn't mean anything will happen. There are more people needing jobs than there are jobs available. I just feel like something has got to change soon. Now, I guess more waiting to see where our path leads.