This summer is going too fast. My 31st
birthday has come and gone. Now, I'm not just merely 30 – I'm “in
my thirties”. Which is worse. Before I know it I will be in my mid
thirties. Then, my late thirties. Oh, the horror. When I was young,
people in their thirties were old. **sigh**
Tomorrow is Dakota's 9th
birthday. He is growing up way too fast. I'm not ready for him to be
in third grade. He is still pooping his pants. Do you have any idea
what it's like to have a baby, and then to STILL be cleaning up their
poopy pants 9 years later??? Oftentimes, we have to clean him up 3
times a day. I'm afraid to do anything which would require a
babysitter. Unless Dakota can be with John, I don't do anything or go
anywhere if he can't be with me. It's embarrassing for Dakota. Kids
at school make fun of him. It will be even worse in third grade. I'm
about to have a mental breakdown over this ordeal. When will it
end??? Do I need to home school him? Doctors have been no help with
this issue, ugh...
On top of Dakota's issues, I struggle
with my own. I'm having those feelings of worthlessness. I'm sooo
exhausted all the time, and it doesn't matter how much sleep I get. I
have absolutely no energy and I feel weak all the time. And of course
there is the pain – it's ALWAYS there. At least when I only had
arthritis, the pain came and went. The Fibro pain is never ending –
it just varies in intensity. And no – I don't work outside the
home. I'm sure people just assume that I'm lazy because of this. I
can't stay awake, and I also can't stand for long periods of time so
no job would work for me. I'm thinking about hiring a lawyer to get
disability. I'm not sure I can continue to go to school. I don't want
people to look at me as a quitter, but I just don't think I can do
it. This last semester I somehow made it through with B's. I don't
know how, I think the instructors took pity on me or something... The
“Fibro Fog” makes it extremely hard to concentrate on anything,
let alone remember anything and retain new information. I'm also
afraid that getting a degree will be a waste of time and money. Don't
get me wrong, I would love to have a degree... but I'm pretty sure
that one of these days I will be crippled and won't be able to do
anything anyway. Most people don't get rheumatoid arthritis until
they are old, and still end up crippled. I was diagnosed at 11 so
I've had it for 20 years now. I know that I am a pessimist, but I
just don't have high hopes for myself. I am so thankful for the girls
in my Fibromyalgia group. We all completely understand what one
another is going through, and it's so nice to have that.
The pain, anxiety, depression, and all
my worries are some of the reasons I love reading so much. I get to
escape all that when I'm lost in a good book. Being able to review
books is probably what makes me the happiest (besides my family). I
don't get paid for it, but I get free books (mostly ebooks). I
recently had a really famous author's publicist email me wondering if
I would do a review. It's for Gena Showalter's newest book that just
came out. Hey, if our Walmart carries it, then it is a well known
book because our Walmart has the worst book selection. The publicist
is sending me the actual book, not just the ebook so I am totally
excited about that. Also, I was chosen to be in the “Street Team”
of author C.C. Hunter. Reviewers on the Street Team review books for
the author, and help advertise new releases and stuff like that. She
only chose 50 people so I feel really honored. She's sending me a
package of stuff that will include a t-shirt so I'm super excited.
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