August Already???

It's been such a long time since I've written a blog. I've just been depressed a lot lately and have no motivation to do anything. In my last blog, I was talking about how thankful I was that school was out. Now, there is just a few days before it starts back up again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I feel panicky. It's weird. I guess I just have too much of an attachment to my kids. Mikayla is always glued to my side so I'm worried that she is going to have a hard time at first. She's not looking forward to school starting. I'm really worried about Dakota. I was told from another mom that the teacher that Dakota has this year is really good and compassionate. So that's good.... but we've been having a lot of behavioral issues with Dakota lately. Sometimes it seems like he's bipolar – but maybe it's just part of the autism. I just have this feeling that the morning issues we had before school last year are going to be worse this year. We've been having issues at bedtime lately – either because he doesn't want to go to bed or he doesn't want to brush his teeth. He can't stand the feeling of the toothbrush on his teeth (or the taste of toothpaste) so it's always hard to get him to do it. One night he seemed like he was possessed. He got really mean and actually slapped John. It wasn't hard, but still... If you know Dakota at all, then you know that's not like him at all. It's heartbreaking watching your kid act like a stranger.

Dakota got his wish for his birthday – a pet lizard. It was a bearded dragon and Dakota named it Bobby. It was really cute and even I was starting to get attached to the little thing. It ended up dying 3 weeks after we got it. We buried it in the back yard. Dakota was devastated. He just cried and cried. I felt so sorry for him. A few days later, we ended up going to St. Joe to get him a new one. He decided on a leopard gecko because he was afraid that any of the bearded dragons would die. The gecko didn't work out so well. It didn't want held at all and it kept biting Dakota (none of the rest of us would even try touching it). And it was nocturnal so it hid and slept all day and only came out at night. So, Dakota was upset and regretted not getting another bearded dragon. Being the awesome parents that we are, we made another trip to St. Joe to exchange it for a bearded dragon. This one is named Nuke. Don't ask where Dakota came up with that name, I don't know. Nuke is a big eater – he eats about 20 crickets a day. 

This is how he sleeps. Sometimes he even stands up against the tank and sleeps. It's funny how he likes to sleep in an upright position.

We've had a couple of other pet deaths too. A day or two before Bobby died, I accidentally killed all 7 of Dakota's tadpoles. Their water was looking really gross so I decided to change their water. I forgot that I needed to use purified water instead of tap water. Tap water has too many chemicals in it. Oops. And then Mikayla's fish died because I think we went too long without changing the water. After I changed the water, it started acting better but its fins started rotting so it had gotten a bacterial infection or something. I even bought it medicine but it didn't help. It just suddenly died last weekend. Luckily, Mikayla didn't take it very hard.

We put Dakota in swimming lessons over the summer. Mikayla refused to do it because she hates getting her face wet (like her mommy). Dakota doesn't like getting his face wet either but he did it. We had to put him in the easiest class since he'd never taken swimming lessons before. He was the oldest one in his class, the others were around Mikayla's age. He was about as tall as the teacher. The poor guy didn't pass and will have to be in the same class again next year. I guess we should have gotten him private lessons. He's the type of kid that needs more one-on-one.

I feel like my health is going downhill. I'm just so tired and weak all the time. I don't even feel like doing things that I used to like doing because all I want to do is stay at home and sleep. When you mix my excessive exhaustion in with my constant pain and social anxiety – it just makes my life crap. If I didn't have a wonderful husband and kids, then I don't think my life would be worth living. I'm finally close to my appointment with the Lyme doctor – it's less than a month away, I've been waiting for months to get it. But I can't afford to go so I will have to cancel it. I thought that I would be able to save up for it, but our financial situation is worse than ever. The doctor's office doesn't bill insurance and you have to pay out of pocket at the time of your visit – not only for the exam but for the tests as well. This is typical of Lyme doctors. The CDC doesn't consider Lyme a real illness so doctors can get their medical license taken away for diagnosing or treating Lyme. That's why everything is paid out of pocket – the insurance companies don't want to pay for Lyme treatments and will report doctors for treating it. The exam itself is around $400. Crazy, huh?

In June, I started selling Avon – hoping to save up money for my appointment and other things. It's slow going so far. I was hoping it would help me to come out of my shell, but I still can't work up the nerve to actually ask people if they want a catalog. I've heard that it's easier to sell Avon if you're a busy, on-the-go person...and it's so true. You can take the brochures to work, leave them at places you go, etc... But, when you barely leave your house it makes it tough. I'm still determined to make it work though. My husband and kids helped me toss around 50 brochures yesterday so hopefully I'll start getting more customers.