One Scrappy Chic

Headaches

2012-02-07T23:05:00.001-06:00

I've been having constant headaches for awhile now. I've actually been having headaches a lot for years, but it seems like they keep getting more and more frequent. The one I have now, I've had for 2-3 weeks straight. It hasn't gone away. It may vary in intensity, but it's always there. I've been to the chiropractor. My neck always pops a ton when I go, because it won't ever stay in place. It doesn't really help my headaches though. I finally decided to see a doctor about it, and got an appointment yesterday. It was basically a waste of time. I was told that my headaches are tension headaches that are related to migraines. But, the doctor wasn't able to prescribe me anything that wouldn't interfere with my current medications. He had some nifty app for his phone that he could enter medications and it would tell him if any of them would interact with each other. He entered different migraine meds and muscle relaxers, but I couldn't take any of them. In fact, he said that the medications I'm currently on already interact with each other. That's nice to know. This doctor is the only doctor that has checked out all of my meds to see if I could safely take them together. I told him that I would be willing to go off any of my other meds in order to be able to take something for my head – cuz I'm about to have a breakdown or something. I'm so tired of my head hurting. But the doctor didn't feel comfortable taking me off meds that specialists have prescribed. He felt my neck and said that my muscles are really tight. I told him that it feels like I can't relax any of the muscles in my head or neck. He told me to do something about my stress, and he also told me to exercise. Ha ha... I wanted to ask him if he ever exercises when he has a bad headache. And getting rid of stress is easier said than done...

One of my stresses this past week though, has been starting online classes again. For one of the classes, the teacher said that it could take 15 hours out of our time each week. Apparently, she wasn't making that up. I didn't think the assignments would take that long and I sort of procrastinated because I was so busy making book covers – I regretted doing that. I got my work done in time but I cut it kind of close. I stayed up til 3:30 am Sunday night and had to get up a little after 7:00.

Not too long ago, I bought some Monster High dolls that HyVee had for $5 and sold them on ebay to make a little bit of money. This one guy bought one, and said that he never received it. He opened up a case through ebay to get his money back. Of course, I didn't have a tracking number. I had the receipt from the post off showing that I shipped something to his zip code, but since I didn't have the tracking number I was pretty much screwed. Basically the buyer is always right and the seller doesn't have any rights. Yeah, I couldn't prove that I sent it (except for that receipt), but the buyer couldn't prove that he didn't receive it either. So, not only was that money deducted from my paypal account, I also don't have the doll. Meanwhile, this guy probably has the doll and has his money back. Also, some guy “bought” something else of mine on ebay around that same time but he never paid for it. I think I'm done selling on ebay for awhile.

January happenings

2012-01-24T22:10:00.003-06:00

Today was my dentist appointment to have my 5 cavities fixed. I forgot about the appointment - I guess because when they made the appt. for me I didn't really figure I would be going to it so I didn't think much about it. I had intended to postpone it until March or so. Then yesterday, they called to remind me. I asked them if I had to pay all $640 in advance and they said yes. So, I told them that I would have to wait until we get our taxes back because we have no money right now. So then the lady is like, "Oh, well did anyone here ever tell you that you can go to the website www.carecredit.com and apply for a 12 month interest free loan?" Ummm...no. If I would have known that, I would have had all this taken care of right after my last cleaning. I guess you can go to this website for a variety of different doctors - even plastic surgeons. This might be a perfect time for me to get that tummy tuck. But anyway, I was approved for the loan so I went ahead to my appt today. It was at 9:30 and they got me right in. I had to have 9 shots inside the right side of my mouth - some hurt, some didn't. During one of the shots, the girl spilled some stuff out of the shot inside my mouth and the back of my throat. It was the worst tasting stuff ever. I thought I was going to throw up. I have been having an upset stomach for a few days now. After I finally got numb, the dentist came in. I just love how they try talking to you when you can't feel your mouth. He had asked me what was wrong and I told him I was nervous. I guess he understands slur. He tried telling me that it was going to be like an amusement park for my mouth, and that it would be fun. That didn't make me feel any better. Overall, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be - after the shots anyway. While he was drilling on my teeth though, it started smelling like burnt flesh or something. That was somewhat alarming. And the smell made me even closer to throwing up. But I made it without dying. After the procedure, they had me go talk to the woman in billing. You would think they would have me talk to her before the right half of my face goes numb. So...yeah. That was fun. I also had the WORST headache ever - partially from trying to push my head back through the dental chair for 1 1/2 hours. Because, you know, it helps when you do that - like you can get farther away from the dentist or something. I still have that headache. And it's been 12 1/2 hours and the numbness still isn't completely gone from my face. So... not one of my better days.

I had an author do a chargeback on a cover I made for her several months ago. If you don't know what a chargeback is, it's where you tell your credit card company that someone used your credit card without your knowledge so you can get your money back. The girl never actually did use the cover I made, even though she acted happy with it. She is using a different cover now that isn't that great looking. What I think happened is that after I made the cover for her, she got published somewhere that has their design team make their covers. A lot of publishers won't let you use your own cover. It's dumb, especially if the cover is good. When I got this dispute from paypal and the credit card company, I did a screen shot showing my conversation between me and this author. It clearly shows her saying that she received the cover and that she liked it. But apparently, she won because I didn't give them any evidence proving that she received what she purchased. I mean, come on... Why would someone steal this author's credit card and buy a book cover with this author's name on it? How dumb are these people? I don't suppose it would be worth hiring a lawyer since the total amount was only $40 - but it would almost be worth it just so this author doesn't get away with it.

I actually have some good news though - I'm enrolled at the Academy of Art University again. I haven't been able to enroll the last 2 semesters because I didn't have the money. Each semester, they charge a non-refundable enrollment fee of $120 that has to come out of your pocket at time of enrollment. Also, all books and supplies have to come out of your pocket too - you can't add them to your tuition and have the loans cover it. I had to have about $200 worth of books and supplies. I just couldn't afford that before, but I used Christmas money toward the fee this semester so that has helped. Of course, now we are about broke but I'm happy that I will be working on getting my degree again. I am taking 2 classes - Photography for Designers and Principles of Graphic Design. Classes start on Monday.

Porn

2012-01-17T01:32:00.003-06:00

My rant for the day is about porn. Mikayla was sitting on my lap at my computer, and we were looking at Monster High pictures in the internet. There was one picture that I clicked on to make bigger, and it took me directly to a porn site. I'm not just talking about naked people, I'm talking about graphic shots of people having sex. Very graphic. Up close. I was pissed, and still am. My daughter and I should be able to look at pictures of cartoon characters without being afraid of something like that popping up. I thought that I had internet browsing set on 'safe search'... John installed something on my computer so hopefully I won't have to worry about that any more. Luckily, the only thing Mikayla said was "I saw her booty"... I didn't get any questions about what those people were doing. Yet... I just wish that porn was banned from the internet. I know, that will never happen. Even if it was banned, it would still be uploaded to the net. People can have porn videos and magazines in their homes and I couldn't care less, I just wish it wasn't so easily accessible to children.

But anyway, on to new topics. We got the results of Dakota's blood test, and it looked normal. I don't think they are going to do any more tests though. So, I am thinking that the way Dakota holds himself, and the way he walks is just part of autism quirkiness. I'm always going to have that worry in the back of my mind though. Also, we've been noticing lately that Dakota doesn't know what a lot of words and phrases mean - words and phrases that he uses. We are finding out that he just uses phrases because other people use them. So now, it makes a lot more sense when Dakota says things that make no sense at all. Was that confusing? Hopefully someone will know what I'm talking about.

I know I don't blog as much about Mikayla as I do Dakota, but things just seem to go so "normal" for her - there doesn't seem to be much to say. This past month or so, I've noticed that she acts tired all the time. It doesn't matter how much sleep she gets. She can sleep 13-14 hours at night and still complain about being tired the next day. She is always just wanting to sit with me and cuddle, so it has me worried a little. I know, just my normal overprotective-mother-anxiety kicking in. She is reminding me a lot of myself though about always feeling tired. About a week ago we started buying those Flinstones vitamins - I know she doesn't eat right. She is so picky. The only vegetable I can get her to eat is cold green beans with salt on them. Oh, and french fries and onion rings if you can count them as vegetables. Again, reminds me of myself. But anyway, I haven't noticed any change yet with the vitamins. Of course, I was told I'm anemic not that long ago so I started taking prenatal vitamins and I don't feel any different. And before you ask - no, I don't plan on ever having any more kids. I just take the prenatal vitamins because it was suggested to me.

There is a new Fibromyalgia support group here in Maryville, and they just had the first meeting tonight. I made myself leave the house and go to it. There were only 3 other women there besides the leader of the group, and I have met all 3 of those women. That is a weird thing for me because I don't know many people at all. But anyway, I am the youngest of course. I'm used to that - I'm always the only young person I see when I go to the arthritis clinic. Anyway, I didn't talk much at all but I'm proud of myself for going. It's sort of nice to meet other people who experience the pain (and other odd symptoms) that you do on a daily basis.

Dakota's KC appt.

2012-01-10T19:17:00.001-06:00

If you read my blog posts, you might remember me talking about having a meeting with Dakota's doctor, and his school during the fall. The school, especially, has been worried with Dakota's muscle weakness and thought we should see another Neurologist to get a second opinion. Well, that appointment was today. Yesterday, I picked up a paper from Dakota's doctors office to take to the appointment with us. It was something his occupational therapist wrote up and gave to Dr. Watson with her specific concerns about Dakota. After I picked it up, I read it and sort of freaked out. The very last sentence says, “Specifically, we are concerned that he shows some characteristics of the early stages of muscular dystrophy and we are looking for diagnostic testing to confirm or alleviate these concerns”. That particular concern was never once mentioned to me. On one hand, I'm sort of annoyed at everyone keeping me in the dark on this. I mean, I had a meeting with several people and that was never brought up. On the other hand, I am glad that it wasn't brought up because I would have been worrying and stressing this entire time.

So anyway, I was told that this appointment was at north KC Children's Mercy location. Yesterday when a nurse called and left a message on my phone to remind me of the appt. - she said the appointment was at the main Children's Mercy in downtown Kansas City. We get down there, and are early for once in our lives. We finally find a place to park in the parking garage and get all the way up to the 4^th floor to check in. They say to me, “Sorry, but Dr. Yuen is at our North KC location today”. Ugh..... The lady told me that if we get there within 15 minutes of our appointment time, that they wouldn't cancel it. Luckily, John is used to driving in Kansas City, and we made it to the other location on time. The doctor asked us lots of questions and did lots of tests to check Dakota's strength. She said that everything seemed ok, but she noted that the letter written by the occupational therapist said that it doesn't happen all the time with Dakota. Since it's not a constant thing, it's hard for her to see what's going on. She decided to do some blood work to check his muscle enzymes. At the very least, if his enzymes are normal, it will give us a baseline of what is “normal” for Dakota. Then, on a day where he is weaker than usual, we can have blood work taken here in Maryville to check his enzymes to see if there are any major changes. She also mentioned having an MRI done of his muscles in his upper extremity. We are pretty sure that his last MRI was only of his brain. But anyway, I suppose we will wait for the bloodwork and go from there. It should take 2-3 days to get the results.

It's just so hard to explain to others what is going on with Dakota. Half the time, he is wrestling with John and he is really pretty strong. The other part of the time, he complains that it hurts his arms/hand muscles to write. And his legs get so tired so easily from walking. He also walks really weird sometimes. His teachers have been mentioning their concern of his fine motor skills since he was in preschool. The neurologist said that the fine motor things might not necessarily be muscle strength, but it could be from his signals from the brain getting his muscles to do what they need to. So anyway, once again we have no idea what is going on and no idea if we should be worried. There is something definitely “off” about him that nobody can seem to pinpoint. It might all be from a mild from of Autism. Nothing has ever been confirmed. Of course, even if the Neurologist says that she thinks Dakota is fine – I'm always going to have the muscular dystrophy thing weighing on the back of my mind.

Monster High

2012-01-06T00:53:00.003-06:00

So I didn't have the greatest day. We slept through the alarms this morning and got up late. John was late for work. Dakota would have been late for school, but he was running a fever so I kept him home. Then I had a dr. appointment which took FOREVER – made worse by having 2 kids along with me (because Mikayla doesn't have school on Thursdays). Then I had to go to the store, then to meet John at home for lunch, then to the post office. The line there was soooo long. There were several people getting passport photos taken there, and the line just wasn't moving. Who knew the post office did passport photos anyway? So after that, I had a bad anxiety headache (which I still have now that it's midnight). Dakota ended up having a big meltdown today, which probably lasted about a total of an hour. All because he didn't want to do his homework. I'm apparently the worst mom in the world and this is the worst day in the world too. And to top it all off, I've slowly started feeling sick throughout the day. But I know it could have been worse, like washing my new smartphone in the washer or having to throw our mattress away and having nowhere to sleep... Speaking of that, we actually have a brand NEW bed now. I've never had a NEW bed. We qualified for credit at Nebraska Furniture Mart, so we bought a mattress set and bed frame, and are planning on paying it off with our tax money. It was right after Christmas and they were having a big sale, so the bed and mattress were both half price. It was about time we ran into some good luck, cuz on our way down there our van started acting weird – we are thinking it's the transmission. So anyway, back to the bed part... We were told that they couldn't deliver it to us until January 5^th (which was today). I was sort of upset by that because by that time I had been sleeping on the couch for several days and John had been sleeping in the recliner. This past Saturday, my wonderful dad borrowed a trailer and took John to Kansas City to get our bed. It is sooo nice. Of course, I picked out the softest affordable mattress I could find. And it's so high – I almost need a step stool to get in. But I'm not gonna complain...

The Monster High craze is just nuts. Mikayla is really into the dolls, and that is mostly what she got for Christmas. One of the dolls that my parents got her came with a movie with a Monster High episode on it. The show isn't on tv or anything yet, I think it's maybe in the works. Mikayla loves it, and Dakota has been watching it too. You know how Dakota gets these...odd... obsessions? He is obsessed with the character of Ghoulia Yelps – which is a zombie. She is the only one on the episode that can't talk. She just makes these odd noises and acts....well, zombie-ish. And my son happens to think she is the prettiest. I thinking that maybe he is drawn to her because she is different than the others – kind of how he is different from the other kids he goes to school with. He pretty much took over Mikayla's Ghoulia Yelps doll. He even sleeps with it, and Mikayla was getting mad because Dakota wouldn't let her have it back. It was kind of hilarious. We decided to buy another one, but Walmart was sold out of these dolls. We had to go to St. Joe the other day anyway, so we looked EVERYWHERE in St. Joe with NO luck. Lots of stores had little to no Monster High dolls left. Then yesterday, Ghoulia's leg snapped off. I'm not sure how it happened (I'm guessing it was stepped on), but Dakota was more upset than Mikayla was. By odd coincidence, John went to HyVee last night to get chocolate milk and they had Monster High dolls on sale for $5!!!! And they had a Ghoulia Yelps doll. We searched everywhere in St. Joe, yet they had one here in Maryville – at the grocery store of all places. So anyway, all is good now. I am really glad that we found the coffin for Mikayla when we did in early December, because we took the last one Walmart had, and I haven't seen another one since. It cost us $20 and I've been seeing them go for around $45 - $50 on ebay. Who knew little girls would be so excited over coffins...

Ghoulia Yelps. Isn't she cute?

Dentist blues

2011-12-12T15:03:00.001-06:00

Well, tonight is Mikayla's first dance recital. It's just through the 9-week dance program she went through at the community center (so it's not her ballet class – that recital will be in April). I can't say that I'm sad these 9 weeks are up. This particular dance class lasts an hour and the parents have to sit outside of the room. It gets reeaally boring. And I'm not a social person. I don't have much in common with the other moms, who sew and bake. Speaking of cooking, I did cook a dvd case by turning on the wrong burner. But that's another story. My upstairs neighbor probably wonders why she randomly hears the smoke alarm go off down here. When the kids ask what that noise is, I say “Oh, that's just mommy's cooking.” But wow, I strayed way off my topic. So anyway. Will I go through these 9 weeks of torture again next year? Probably. Because my little girl loves it.

Yesterday, we went and got Mikayla's hair cut. She needed her bangs cut, and she needed some taken off the back as well. She had never had the back of her hair cut, so the ends looked bad. They were dry and frayed, and her hair tangled like crazy. I mean, the ends of her hair was from when she was a baby. I think she was overdue for a cut, even if some people aren't happy about it. Anyway, Mikayla was not a happy camper when we showed up at the salon. She almost started crying because she was afraid. She ended up doing good though, I told her she was at a beauty salon and that made her perk up. The stylist suggested cutting several inches off so that's what we did. Mikayla loves her new hair cut and she is already asking to go back to the beauty salon again.

I think that things seem a little better for Dakota at school, but it's hard to tell. He doesn't tell me much. I emailed his teacher about the other kids being mean to him and she said that she would pay extra attention to him at recess, and she would tell the other teachers on recess duty. I know that in the past week, he has been pushed around. Dakota also told me that the kids said he was ugly because of his teeth. That makes me soooo mad. In high school, some jerk said that my front teeth were big. He said it in front of the whole class, and of course the teacher wasn't in the room. I have been self conscious about my teeth ever since. I don't think I've ever smiled with my teeth showing in a picture since then. I think I was 16 when that was said to me, and I'm 30 now. People just don't understand how the things they say can affect somebody.

Speaking of teeth... I went to the dentist last week. I knew I had a cavity because I could see it, though it wasn't bothering me. I've never had my teeth cleaned at this dentist office. It was sort of like hell. I'd rather get another tattoo then that pain. It was definitely a deep cleaning. I was there for 2 freaking hours. They also did x-rays. After the dental hygienist took the x-rays, she said, “I'm just curious about something, I'm going to take a couple more but I won't charge you”. When she was done and had the x-ray up on the computer, I heard her say “Interesting”. Then I heard another woman come in and say, “I've never seen that before”. I was getting kind of worried because they weren't telling me anything. Then the dentist comes in and looks at it and says something about not ever seeing that before either. Apparently, the roots of your teeth and supposed to taper off up in your gum line. I have a couple teeth where the roots flare out instead. The dentist said that there would be no way to ever get those teeth out of my mouth, or to ever do a root canal. I've had x-rays at other dentist offices before, and I've never been told that. Now I'm sort of worried about how that could affect me in the future. What if something happens to those teeth, and they need to come out at some point? Just another thing for me to worry about in the back of my mind. So anyway, when the dentist was examining my teeth, he told me that I have 5 freaking cavities. 2 of them are in-between my teeth. They call them “flossing cavities” because people who don't floss get them there. I don't think they believed me when I told them that I floss every single day. Not a day goes by that I don't brush and floss. And I have 5 cavities??? I don't even have dental insurance. I had to pay $150 for that visit and I'm supposed to go back in January to have those teeth fixed. It's going to cost me around $600 and payment is due at time of service. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to come up with that much money. Merry Christmas to me.

November happenings

2011-11-25T19:32:00.000-06:00

Things have been busy lately. One Thanksgiving dinner yesterday, 2 more this weekend. Last weekend we had a garage sale. The turn out was great, and we made $80, but sometimes I wonder if it's worth it if you think about all the hours and labor you put into it. Of course, on top of that I have to deal with my anxiety around people and the pain that comes with setting up (lifting and carrying things). I also have a lot of anxiety during Thanksgiving dinners. I hate that. I shouldn't have social anxiety around family members but I guess that will never change.

On Wednesday, I had an appt. with my Rheumatologist. John had to work, and both kids were off school so I took them to St. Joe with me. They were great during the appointment, I'm a pretty lucky mom. Dakota seemed pretty amazed when they were doing blood work on me. Mikayla seemed kind of scared. They took 3 vials of blood from my hand. The veins in my arms are pretty stubborn. Since I have been having more pain lately, they upped my dosage of Lyrica – the med for my Fibromyalgia. I kind of wished they would have tried me on a different arthritis medication. I've been on it for years, and I think my body is getting too used to it. Anyway, the nurse called me today with the results from the blood test. She said I'm a bit anemic and she just told me to take a multi vitamin everyday and that should help. She said that hopefully it will help my fatigue as well.

A little more than a week ago, I got an email from Dakota's teacher. She said that since Dakota was taken off the Abilify, that he can't sit still in class and was having trouble staying focused. I knew that would happen. One of his special ed teachers said the same thing, but also said that Dakota was disrupting the class. That's definitely not something that I've heard a teacher say about Dakota before. I called the specialist and suggested putting Dakota back on the Abilify. She put him back on a small dose – slightly smaller than what he was taking last. I just hope it's enough.

Dakota's cousin Cami started going to Dakota's school a couple of weeks ago. They are in the same grade but have different teachers – though they do share a special class together (a reading class I think). Anyway, the good news is that he now has somebody to play with at recess. But...I found out just how mean the kids are to Dakota. I knew they made fun of him when he has accidents at school. But Cami told me that they make fun of the way Dakota talks. She also told me that one day, Dakota got pushed up against a fence. One time when Dakota was crying because of being made fun of, the teacher came over and kind of yelled at him and said, “What are you crying about now?” Dakota is sensitive – of course he is going to cry about being made fun of. Dakota hardly tells me about anything, so I'm glad Cami is there to let me know what goes on. She is also there to help defend Dakota and I'm glad he doesn't feel as alone. He did tell me the other day though that a kid kicked him really hard in the knee. He even has a bruise. I don't know what to do. Dakota is different than other kids, and that's not going to change. No wonder he hates school so much. And I know things won't get better if we stay in Maryville. I remember how awful the kids were in the Maryville School district. Half of them are preps who think they are better than others. We are considering moving to a small town like Pickering where the kids are more equal and where Dakota can get more one on one in the classroom. Of course, I don't know of any places for rent there. I also don't know if I should consider home schooling. Dakota just doesn't seem to be able to control his bowels very well, which makes things awful for him. Why does life have to be so stressful?

Paragraphic Designs

2011-11-25T18:39:00.010-06:00

So, there has actually been some good things happening lately. One of the books that I have done the cover for has made the USA Today bestseller list. A lot of the covers I make are for e-books that never go to print so I don't have to do the spine or back cover. This book started selling so well that I needed to do a cover in print form, and apparently it's doing really well in print copies too. It's hard to do print covers because the measurements have to be perfect. Luckily, they mailed me a copy. It's really cool to be able to hold it in my hands. It's actually not one of my favorite covers but here is what this particular cover looks like:

Here are just a few of my other covers for those of you that haven't already seen them on facebook (like my parents):

With this cover, the stone angel is actually a picture that I took at a cemetery here in Maryville.

One of the awesome authors I work with set up a website for me. I have a blog for my graphic design business, which is called Paragrahic Designs, but I didn't know how to do the website and this girl did it for me absolutely free. To check it out, click HERE. You can see more of my covers there as well. 90% of my business actually comes from my facebook page that I have set up for Paragraphic Designs. Facebook can be an awesome marketing tool.

Much randomness

2011-11-13T16:09:00.000-06:00

I've decided that I pretty much hate myself. Really. Everything about myself. I hate my arthritis that gives me pain every day and will probably eventually cripple me. I hate my fibromyalgia that causes me even more pain, causes my hands and feet to tingle, causes my skin to feel bruised to the point where it hurts to be touched very hard. It causes extreme fatigue. I'm exhausted all the time. I hate my anxiety which causes me to worry about everything. I really hate my social anxiety which causes me to lead a lonely anti-social life. I don't think people understand how much I hate going places. I'm not comfortable unless I'm at home. I hate my depression that makes me feel down all the time. I hate the fact that I'm fat and ugly. I wish I would have appreciated myself more when I was in high school and 105 pounds. I hate the scars and imperfections of my body and the fact that I don't look like a supermodel. I hate how insecure I am. I hate how sensitive I am – things people say affect me so much. I'm sure I could keep going, but I'll stop now. I've realized that my love of reading sort of stems from hating everything about myself. I get lost in my books. Either the hero or heroine is a tortured person that hates themselves. It sounds stupid but I can relate to these fictional people so sometimes it makes me feel better about myself. I love how when I read, I can leave my life for awhile and immerse myself in somebody else's.

I guess we need a new bed. Around the time we moved to Maryville, a board under our bed broke. It made our bed dip just enough in the middle that it caused us back pain. We just put the mattress and box springs on the floor, and that's how we have slept ever since. This last week, the kids were jumping on our bed and broke something. I think it must be the springs or something. Our mattress sinks down in the middle very badly. You can't lay on it without your body rolling toward the center, and it's so uncomfortable. My hips and lower back are out of place I think. My lower back hurts so badly. I tried to sleep in the bed last night, but the angle I had to lay at hurt me so badly that I had to sleep on the couch. I guess the couch will be my new bed for a long while. We will probably have to wait until tax returns before we can afford a new bed. Why are beds so expensive???

What is it about this time of year and spiders? We've had some cold weather – the spiders should have died. Well, one could hope. Why is there an abundance of baby spiders being born? We've noticed a few in our apartment the past week or so. You know what they say, there's a few – then there's a few hundred. Or a few thousand. Or something. Or is that roaches? Anyway, if you know me then you know that I have this huge fear of spiders. It's kinda creepy how all those legs can work together. Maybe if they only had 4 legs... Oh, and then they have multiple eyes. I don't really know how many eyes they have but I know it's more than 2 and it's creepy. That's why they are called spy-ders. They were sent to Earth to spy on us. And taunt us. It's creepy.

Omaha again

2011-11-09T17:47:00.000-06:00

Monday was Dakota's follow up appointment in Omaha. We actually didn't get lost, or weren't late for once! Luckily, the interstate was open this time. When we first got on the interstate, I was sort of worried – there was no northbound traffic. We were the only one's on the road for a long while, it was really strange. But anyway, we made it and it was a pretty pointless appointment. Not only that, but it's expensive to pay for the gas to get up there, pay a co-pay, and get something for lunch. Basically the doctor decided to take Dakota completely off of the Abilify. We've talked on the phone several times – this is something that could have been handled over the phone. Oh well. Dakota was happy about being able to miss school. Mikayla was mad about having to miss school. We were done with the appt by 10:30. By that time, we were already hungry for lunch since we had to get up so early. We went to the McDonald's down the road from the hospital. We feel bad for never taking the kids to eat at the McDonald's in Maryville, so whenever we go out of town we will take them there since it's their favorite place. The happy meal toys right now are from the movie Puss in Boots. I think they should have picked a different name for that movie. Dakota wanted to know why that character was called Puss, so John explained to him about cats being called pussycats. So Dakota kept asking loudly, “What is a pussy? What is a pussy?”. John was the responsible parent and tried to calmly explain this to him where he could understand. I was too busy laughing, covering my face, and wishing I could crawl under the table. I don't think Dakota ever really understood...

We finally got a called from a pediatric neurologist in Kansas City. Awhile back during the meeting with Dakota's school and doctor, everyone decided that I should get a second opinion. So anyway, they left me a message saying that Dakota's appointment is on the 28^th of this month. John doesn't have any more days off the rest of this year though, and I don't really want to go alone. I will probably just reschedule the appointment for January. I'm sure it will be pretty pointless anyway...

We have gotten into a bit of a financial bind. I love how these things always happen around Christmas time. We are completely broke right now. I've gone several days now without my arthritis or fibromyalgia meds. I am in a lot of pain now. My joints almost feel like they are starting to fuse together or something. They are super stiff and sore. Between my 2 conditions, I hurt everywhere constantly. I can't even open a bottle of pop, or grip anything. When I picked Dakota up from school today, my legs almost gave out on me when I was walking up the steps. That seemed more like a muscle issue – my legs just felt really weak. I only have to go one more day though until John gets paid. I feel so old though. It's scary how useless my body is when I don't have meds to help. I'm really worried what I will be like when I'm older. One of these days I will probably need a cane or wheelchair. It's something I try not to think about because it depresses me.

Parent /Teacher conferences

2011-10-21T19:24:00.000-05:00

I really need to get back to blogging more often. It's already been a month, and I'm sure I can't remember half of what has happened. About 2 ½ weeks ago, I had a meeting at Dakota's school with the school nurse, the occupational therapist, Dr. Watson, and some nurse I've never met. Everyone pretty much agreed that there is something off about Dakota, we just can't put a finger on it. The occupational therapist believes that there's something wrong with his middle body strength – like he has weak stomach and back muscles so he carries himself differently. Dakota was in the room so everyone could observe certain things. He was showing off like crazy and just acting hyper and silly. He started doing pushups and showing everyone his muscles. Apparently, he shows his muscles to his teachers quite often. Dr. Watson said she would make Dakota an appt. with another neurologist for a 2^nd opinion. The school said they would write down a list of concerns for me to take with us so I don't just sound like a paranoid mom. Of course, I haven't heard anything since the meeting. I guess I need to call Dr. Watson and remind her to set up that appt. I just despise making phone calls. The occupational therapist pretty much said that Dakota is her favorite student that she is working with right now. She said they are buddies.

The other day I went to Dakota's parent/teacher conference. One of Dakota's special ed teachers was there as well as his regular teacher. They are pretty pleased with how he is doing. His report card from his special classes was pretty good. His teacher gave me his “regular” report card too, and you could tell that she didn't even want me to look at it. She said that she is required to grade him on regular 2^nd grade expectations. It wasn't good at all – he had all 1's and 2's. A 4 means that the expectations are met – a 1 means they are not met. She told me not to even pay any attention to it. I was also given the report from the TerraNova testing that Dakota did at the end of last yer. This is some national testing that all kids do – and Dakota tested below average in everything. It just breaks my heart that he struggles so much with things.

Dakota is doing better with his anxiety. He isn't crying as much at school, and he doesn't cry anymore when he goes to school in the mornings. He also doesn't come home with a headache every day like he used to. He still has anxiety though with going up and talking to other kids. He is so much like his momma. He cried the other night about not having anyone to play with at recess. I understand him more than he could ever know. The behavioral specialist called me today and wants to raise Dakota's medicine a little to see if that helps his social anxiety a little more. A few weeks ago, Dakota had an odd day – for lack of a better term. He came home from school in a really bad mood and told me that he got in trouble for kicking somebody – which is something that he never does. He never gets in trouble at school. That evening he got angry and started hitting the wall and saying that he was going to kill himself. The next day he was back to his normal self and hasn't acted like that sense.

John went to Mikayla's parent/teacher conference because I had to take Mikayla to her ballet class at that same time. Mikayla is advanced – which we already knew. You know, it's really weird to have 2 kids that are the polar opposite. Anyway, the only thing Mikayla seems to have trouble with is using scissors. Her teacher thinks it's because she is double jointed. I'm going to have to watch Mikayla and see how she holds her fingers. I know that Mikayla's thumbs bend back at a 90 degree angle like mine. I could see how that could make it hard to use scissors.

Mikayla is really enjoying her ballet class. She only goes a half hour every Thursday, and it's hard for her to wait a whole week before she gets to go again. She brought a paper home from school one day about a dance class Maryville Parks and Recreation was offering. It was $30 I think, for 9 weeks of jazz dance classes. It lasts 1 hour every Monday evening, and she will get a tshirt at the end. In December she will have a little recital. She is loving it. I'm not enjoying it so much. Parents aren't allowed to sit in the room and watch because it distracts the kids – which is understandable. It gets really really boring having to sit in the other room on a hard bench for an hour though. I will be glad when this dance class is done. Mikayla's recital for her ballet class will be in April I think. Yesterday, she was measured for her fancy outfit that we have to buy. Now, she is saying she wants to take tap dance too. I think we will stick with the dance classes she's in for now.

More stress

2011-09-20T18:52:00.003-05:00

Last Thursday was mine and John's 10 year wedding anniversary. On Wednesday, the kids and I went to Hy-Vee and ordered a candy bouquet to be sent to John at work. And the kids actually kept it a secret. On Thursday, I took my brother's girlfriend Kayla to Kansas City for a dr. appt. with a specialist. That was a stressful drive. I somehow made it without getting lost or putting Kayla into labor. I have a feeling that she is going to go into an early labor again. The baby looks fine though so that's good. Anyway, before we even left town that morning, I got a call from the school nurse. She (and some of Dakota's other teachers) are concerned about Dakota. The nurse said that Dakota couldn't stop moving, almost like he had a tic. She said that he was moving so much that it looked like it was exhausting him - but he couldn't help it. She also mentioned that maybe Dakota needs to see a psychologist, not only for the extra movements, but for Dakota's lack of muscle strength. But anyway, the specialist in Omaha who recently changed Dakota's meds was out of town for the week. Of course... I called his doctor here in town, but she didn't feel comfortable doing anything with his meds. I was just told to wait and talk with the specialist this week. I called the specialist yesterday, and she didn't seemed too concerned. She said that it was probably from dropping down Dakota's dose of Abilify - kind of like withdrawal symptoms. She said to just watch him and if doesn't get better, that we can go back up on his dose a little and come back down more gradually. So then today, the school nurse called me again. The Occupational Therapist works with Dakota on Tuesdays. She actually works at the hospital but comes to the school to work with certain kids. Anyway, she wanted to fax something to Dr. Watson. She is concerned about Dakota's muscle weakness and thinks that it's progressively getting worse. She thinks that is why Dakota is walking differently now - that he has trouble using some muscles so now he's using others. She also says that Dakota gets up out of a chair differently than he used to. I don't know...I was asleep when the nurse called this morning so my mind wasn't completely clear. I just know that they think that Dakota needs to see a muscle specialist. There are some different tests that can be done, including a muscle biopsy. Eeek. That got my attention. So, I just don't know what's going on really. A lot of this stuff - John and I don't notice. I mean, I know he has been walking differently for awhile and he has always had weak fine motor skills (like with writing). For the most part, he is a strong boy. Him and John wrestle around every day. I'm just really confused right now and don't know if I need to worry.... You know, when we found out about Dakota possibly having Semantic Pragmatic Disorder, it was a relief because I thought we finally had things figured out. Now I'm not sure and I'm stressing about this again. I also feel like a bad parent because I'm not noticing everything that the school is noticing. I guess that things I see him do I assume is just part of his quirky demeanor.

But anyway... I signed Mikayla up for ballet classes today. I found out that the Maryville Dance Academy does them for only $20 a month. Mikayla is so excited. She starts on Thursday - it's only once a week for a half hour. They told us to go buy some ballet slippers at Payless. Of course, we just HAD to buy them right away. Mikayla just HAD to have them so she could practice at home. Luckily, she has a ballet outfit that we had found at a garage sale awhile back. It doesn't really matter what she wears to class, but I just know she wouldn't be happy unless she was dressed as a ballerina. Next April, she will have a dance recital. It will be so cute, and I can't wait.

September stuff

2011-09-12T16:28:00.002-05:00

Well, after I emailed the nice teacher about Mikayla's peeing issue - she emailed me back and you could tell she felt really bad. She told me that she would forward the email to the other teacher, who is now being extra nice to Mikayla. Mikayla's appt. went ok. They didn't find anything wrong other than the fact that her urine is very concentrated - which means she doesn't drink enough. The doctor thought that might make it burn a little when Mikayla goes pee, but I have my doubts. She gets really red down there and you can tell that sometimes it really hurts - and she a tough little girl. Mikayla hasn't been drinking as much, because she is afraid to go pee - which is why her pee looks so concentrated. But I'm trying to push liquids down her anyway. We have finally found a way for her to be able to pee without taking her shoes and pants off. She seems to have so much more confidence in that department now. Also, she has graduated from a carseat to a booster seat. Between that, and going to school, she feels like such a big girl. It's so cute.

Dakota is doing ok. I think he is doing a little better with the new medication. He's not getting so upset over things or having as much anxiety. On occasion, he still cries at school. He told me that he really missed me today, and he said that he feels sick to his stomach when he misses me. Awwwww.... that just makes me melt. He has been stuttering a lot lately. Every time he says a word like "gonna" - it comes out "gonnonnonna". I can't help but think it's really cute.

The hard drive in my computer died. John tried everything to get my files off of it. Today he contacted some company in Kansas City that specializes in data retrieval, and they said it would cost anywhere from $400 - $1200. Of course, we can't afford that. I feel so sick over all the stuff I have lost - including pictures of the kids and book covers I was making for authors. Now, I need to spend hours re-making these covers. The good news is that the stock photography websites where I purchased the photography are going to let me re-download everything I have purchased. That's a relief because I have hundreds of photos. Unfortunately, the pics from our camera are priceless and I won't be able to get them back. This is an important lesson that anyone can learn from - get an external hard drive and back up your data often. Especially if you run a home-based business and/or having digital pictures on your computer.

Mikayla

2011-08-31T17:30:00.000-05:00

Today when I went to pick up the kids from school, Mikayla's teachers talked to me about Mikayla. Apparently, she got upset in the bathroom today and started crying. She had trouble getting her panties back on. I told them that Mikayla likes to take them all the way off to pee, and one of the teachers (the not so nice one) started talking about how they just don't have time for kids to get half undressed when they go to the bathroom. I don't know why people have to make a big deal about things. I was getting pretty pissed off at this point, but there were people all around us and I didn't feel like getting into Mikayla's bathroom issue there. When I got home I emailed the nice teacher to let her know what's going on. Hopefully she can convince the other one to not be so crabby about things. I don't know if I've mentioned this before (I probably have), but when Mikayla pees it comes out an an angle. It's pretty bad. She has to spread her legs and far as she can, straddle the toilet, and lean forward. If she don't, then the pee will not go in the toilet. That's why she takes the bottom half of her clothes all the way off. Dakota had the same type of problem, but it interfered with potty training so we took him to the doctor. They did some minor surgery to open the opening more. With Mikayla, it really hasn't been an issue. She has found a way to pee and we've never really had a problem with it. We haven't taken her to the doctor, I didn't want her to have surgery there if it wasn't necessary. I shudder just thinking about having surgery there. I got home and started thinking about it, and decided to make Mikayla a dr. appt. She seems to have a urinary tract infection or something so I needed to make her an appt. anyway – and I will get the doctor's opinion on if we should see a urologist and get something done about this. So anyway, I call to make the appt and tell them that Lisa DiStefano is Mikayla's primary doctor. The girl says, “Lisa doesn't have an opening until September 15th, will that be ok?” So I'm like, “No, can we just see another female doctor or nurse practitioner?” and the girl says, “Probably not.” What the heck? My daughter has burning when she pees and this girl thinks I should just let my daughter wait half a month to see a doctor??? The girl finally tells me to hold, and that she would talk to Lisa DiStefano's nurse. The nurse said that she can get us in on Tuesday morning. That's still 6 days away, but I guess it's better than half a month.

Cymbalta withdrawal

2011-08-28T17:12:00.004-05:00

So, I've recently done something pretty stupid. I've been taking Cymbalta for a while now for my anxiety/depression as well as for my Fibromyalgia. My prescription ran out the other day, but we are low on funds so I thought I would just wait until John got paid again on Friday before I refilled it. I wasn't thinking about withdrawal symptoms. Since I wasn't permanently going to stop taking it, I guess I just didn't think about the fact that you are supposed to SLOWLY stop taking it. I had started feeling kind of weird on Wednesday. I didn't feel right, but was having issues with allergies so I thought it was connected. I woke up on Thursday morning with a headache that still hasn't gone away. Yesterday evening, I started getting dizzy if I moved my head too much, and I felt sick to my stomach. I've been feeling hot, then cold, then hot, then cold. Then, my brilliant hubby says “Maybe it's withdrawal symptoms”. Why didn't I think of that? Seriously??? And Maryville seriously needs a 24 hour pharmacy. By that time, Walgreens was closed. Later when we went to bed, my body started itching all over. Like, so badly I thought I was going to go crazy. I was thinking that slicing my skin all over with a sharp kitchen knife sounded like a good idea. Yeah, might hurt a bit but surely the itching would stop. Don't worry, I'm not THAT crazy, but at the time it was tempting. Every inch of my body itched. Then, I started feeling like my skin was getting stabbed with a needle – just sudden, random spots. I think I finally got exhausted enough to fall asleep around 4 am. My sweet husband was at Walgreens as soon as they opened this morning and got my prescription for me. I'm still itchy but not quite as bad. My head still hurts though and I still feel sick to my stomach. Hopefully all this will go away soon. I did some research online about Cymbalta withdrawal symptoms. There's actually a whole message board just for people going through Cymbalta withdrawal. Apparently, it's the worst anti-depressant to go off of. And most of these people were trying to go off 20-30 mg. I just suddenly stopped taking 60 mg. So, to make a long story short, stopping a medication cold turkey isn't a bright idea. And, if you're thinking of going on an anti-depressant, you might want to use Cymbalta as a last resort.

On to other news though – we've made it through the fist full week of school. Mikayla loves it. She's disappointed that she doesn't get to go every day. We just put her in half days, 3 days a week. Mostly, because it's cheaper that way. Dakota is just the opposite though. He doesn't ever want to go, and he has probably cried at school half the days. On Friday, the doctor cut Dakota's Abilify in half again and called in a prescription for us for Setraline. We probably won't start noticing a difference for a few weeks though. Hopefully it will help him feel less overwhelmed at school. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that there won't be any side effects.

Semantic Pragmatic Disorder

2011-08-17T14:32:00.002-05:00

Last Thursday was Dakota's appt. with the Developmental Specialist in Omaha. We were running a little bit late leaving that morning. What's new, right? We are late to everything. We dropped Mikayla off in Pickering because she wanted to stay with Kayla. We didn't know that part of the interstate on our way to Omaha would still be closed because of the flooding. We just didn't think much about it I guess, it seems like it had been awhile since that happened. Suddenly we were forced to exit the interstate and there were no signs for a detour or anything. We couldn't believe all the water still in that area. It looked like a huge lake where there is normally no water. So anyway, we were lost and didn't know which way to go. It's not like this exit was for a big town or anything, it was basically the middle of nowhere. For reasons like this, it would be a smart idea to have an atlas in your vehicle. Luckily, my dad works 2nd shift so he was home that morning and was able to look up some back roads on his computer. One of the roads he told us to take was closed too. It was a mess but we finally made it to Omaha. I called the dr. office to let them know we were late and they almost cancelled our appointment. It takes months to get in to see this doctor and I was told that she keeps a tight reign on her appointments. I almost panicked but they let us come. There was something about the doctor that I didn't really like, but she seems fairly knowledgeable. She talked to Dakota most of the time and didn't really ask us about any of our concerns. She said she wanted to slowly take Dakota off the abilify, and slowly start Lexapro. She wants to rule out social anxiety. She also mentioned a language disorder, but didn't say what it was. She was going to give us a handout on it before we left but forgot. I was kind of upset when we left. I misunderstood and thought that the doctor thought that Dakota only had social anxiety and a speech disorder. I knew there was more to it than that. John's mom told me to have the doctor fax the handout to her and she would bring it to us. She got it yesterday and brought it by. The name of the disorder is Semantic Pragmatic Disorder. It's a language disorder, but it's more than just the way someone talks. It's actually a disorder that is in the Autism Spectrum - like a higher functioning Autism. Lots of times doctors confuse it with Asperger's. There are a lot of things we read in there that sound a lot like Dakota. One of our concerns lately with Dakota is the way he walks. He just has an odd gait when he walks, and his feet have been turning in more and more lately. An odd walking gait was actually mentioned in this handout on this language disorder. I thought that was strange. What would one have to do with the other? Anyway, I think we have a long road ahead of us during Dakota's school years. But John and I feel like this is what he has, and it's nice knowing exactly what we are dealing with.

Last night was the 'back to school' night where the kids brought in their school supplies and found their classroom. Mikayla seems to be pretty excited. The preschool room has tons of toys in it so she probably thinks she gets to play all day. Dakota isn't so excited. But I saw that the other kid in his grade that has Autism is in his class. They don't know each other, but I think they would be perfect friends. Dakota won't be the only one who acts a little "different" and I think that will do wonders for his self-esteem. He's been really down on himself lately, saying that he is slower at everything than the other kids and he's been saying that everyone hates him. I think that has gotten worse this past week since we cut down his abilify. I did email his teacher about his issues and about him having trouble controlling his bowels. She was very understanding and said that she will do all she can to help Dakota. She told me to tell him that she will not be upset with him if he has an accident. That is a big relief. Oh, and Dakota's classroom is the same classroom I had when I was in second grade - 20-something years ago. It was really neat (and weird) to be in there. It wasn't nearly as large as I had remembered. Anyway, school starts tomorrow. We are keeping our fingers crossed that Dakota doesn't have a meltdown and John won't have to drag him into school. I'm hoping he can make some friends this year. I think that would make things so much better for him.

School's about to start

2011-08-09T00:55:00.001-05:00

I haven't blogged for a long time. I have been extra busy with reviewing books and making book covers. It's so nice to make some money doing something I love. I have learned that some authors are, uh, interesting to work with. Sometimes they want things on covers that just won't look good, or they want the cover to somehow display everything about a character. Some things are almost impossible to convey on a cover.

Thursday is the day we take Dakota to the developmental center in Omaha. I'm kind of nervous about this appointment. First of all, I don't know what all will be involved. I'm afraid we will leave there without any official diagnosis, and we won't be able to get Dakota all the help he needs. We have been waiting a long time to get things figured out. We are having major bowel issues with Dakota. We have been going through this for a long time, but it's getting worse. To make a long story short, we were told that it would help him for us to give him Miralax every day because his colon is stretched out or whatever, but he is not able to hold anything in now. For 2 weeks atleast, he has had to wear overnights (like diapers) all day long. We have to clean him up, like, 4 times a day. School starts next week and I don't know what to do. He gets so embarrassed by it that he refuses to tell us when it happens. When he's not cleaned up right away, he gets awful sores. First of all, the kids will make fun of him if they smell him or find out he's wearing a diaper. 2^nd of all, I can't have him going all day long without being cleaned up (you know he won't tell anybody), and 3^rd – if the school finds out that he can't control his bowels I'm not even sure they'll let him attend school. I mean, to be able to start Preschool, you must be potty trained. What am I supposed to do? Home school him? I don't have the slightest idea at how to go about doing that. I just wish someone could tell me what the heck I am supposed to do.

Of course, Dakota has issues besides the bowel stuff. For example, he gets over-stimulated easily. It's like, he requires a lot of time to be at home and left alone. I'm stressed about how the school year is going to go this year. At my aunt's wedding reception last weekend, I could tell that Dakota was getting over-stimulated. I knew a meltdown was coming so I started to get things ready and get the kids out of there. We didn't make it out of there in time though and he is really hard to calm down. He cried all the way home.

It's kind of funny how we try to plan our lives around Dakota's situation. For instance, there are lights outside of the apartment complex that turn on when it gets dark. At night, bugs swarm everywhere. It's mostly moths though. Dakota freaks out and acts like someone is trying to kill him or something. When he sees them, he stands in one place and won't move. He screams and cries and we have to pick him up and carry him in the apartment, which is hard to do considering he is like 90 pounds. We try to be home before it gets dark. Isn't that sad? Oh, and like at the reception – he asked me to get him a pop. He was afraid to go over to where it was because there were lightning bugs over there. It must be awful to be that scared of everything.

I'm also stressing over Mikayla starting school this year. Registration is tomorrow. She is pretty shy around people but I think she will do fine. I think she will really like having somebody to play with during the day. I will just feel kind of lonely I guess. I'm not used to being home alone and I don't like not having my kids with me. I guess it will be nice to be able to work on book covers without her setting on my lap with toys lined up on my desk and telling me what I'm supposed to be playing.

June stuff

2011-06-28T16:03:00.004-05:00

I feel like a lot has happened the past week or so. Too many dr. appointments actually. On Wednesday I had to have my yearly girly appt. Fun stuff! I got to get naked in a 60 degree room and then be sexually assaulted. I swear, sometimes it really sucks being a girl. The doc did tell me though that she could tell that I had my kids by c-section. She said there was no way any baby was coming out of me with the way my pelvis is shaped. I thought that was interesting - I don't think I've ever been told that before... Oh, and it seems I'm lacking in the estrogen department. One of the effects of low estrogen is headaches - not a day goes by that I don't have one so maybe it will help. Low estrogen can also cause fatigue, depression, joint pain, hmmm...I wonder how long I've been low. Anyway, she gave me a birth control pill with higher estrogen. I wonder if more estrogen will make me more girly or something...

Then on Thursday I had an appt. with my Rheumatologist. They have decided to start me on Cymbalta - which is supposed to help with depression/anxiety AND body pain - and take me off Wellbutrin. I hope it helps. I've been having more pain lately. They also did bloodwork. They had to do it in my hand since my veins are impossible to find. They called me yesterday and said I'm really low in Vitamin D. I just lack everything, huh? Apparently, I'm so low that I can't just take over the counter vitamin D (which is around 2000 I.U. for max strength). I have to take one 50,000 I.U. pill per week for 12 weeks (which seems a little excessive to me). After the three months, then I should be able to start taking the over-the-counter ones. I guess my avoidance of milk and sunlight is catching up to me. I just can't stand the thought of drinking something that came out of a cows tit.

On Friday, I took my birthday money and went and got a tattoo. I've wanted one for a long time, but didn't know if I could handle the pain. I started thinking... you know what? I'm in pain every day of my life. I've went through having my placenta ripped from my uterus after it was too deeply attached (placenta accreta) - which was 10 times worse than any pain I've ever had. I've recovered from 2 c-sections (which hurt like hell), tailbone surgery, and various other things. I decided that I could handle it. And ya know what? It wasn't that bad. I'd compare it to maybe the pain level of having contractions. It was a breeze compared to some of the things I've been through, and I didn't even flinch. I was very proud of myself for growing some balls and just doing it. I think the worst part of the whole tattoo thing is right now - I'm guessing this is the healing part. It tingles, it itches, it feels like bugs crawling on my back and I keep involuntary shivering. Or convulsing. Or something. It's been giving me the heebie jeebies for 2 days straight now. But I love the tattoo. It's the artwork of Suzanne Woolcott - I've been a fan of her for years. The girls she paints are called Gorjuss - which is why my tattoo says Gorjuss on it. I have Suzanne Woolcott as a friend on facebook so I asked her beforehand if it would be ok for the tattoo artist to use her artwork. She was very flattered actually :)

On the mend

2011-06-20T22:33:00.004-05:00

Today was my appt. with the physical therapy department for my foot. Yesterday, my foot finally started feeling a little bit better and today I'd say it's 50% better. The physical therapist looked at my foot and noticed a big difference between the two. My right foot (the one I sprained) is basically flat footed. My arch is pretty much non-existent when I stand. He also said that my foot pronates, which I guess means it sort of rolls toward the inside when I stand or walk. He said that I must have stretched my foot ligaments hard for it to do that. Apparently, he has never seen feet that are pronated so differently from one another as much as mine are. Leave it to me to be the oddball. I have arch supports for my shoes now, and I was given exercises to do that should help fix my arch and strengthen my foot and ankle muscles.

Dakota is feeling better now. On Saturday morning, I took him to the walk in clinic because he woke up sounding awful. He had a horrible barking cough, a sore throat, a rash on his chest, and he was kind of having trouble breathing. They were positive it was strep, so he had to have another strep test done but it was negative. I don't think the dr. really knew what was wrong and just had me get Dakota some Allegra D. On Sunday, Dakota had a light fever and he said that it hurt if he took too deep of breaths - so I was worrying a bit about that. He woke up today much better. Besides for a little bit of a cough, he seems fine. This morning was his follow up with Dr. Watson for the whole pooping issue. I woke up late. Apparently, the alarm on my phone will only let me push the snooze button so many times before it just shuts the alarm off. oops. Luckily, I woke up when Dakota woke up to use the bathroom - 15 minutes before the appointment. We were only 10 minutes late though. Not too bad for having to get me and the kids ready. They did another x-ray of his abdomen and said that we got Dakota all cleaned out. Jeez, I'd hope so. We ended up having to give him Exlax over the weekend. He had to wear an overnight all weekend long because he kept going in his pants. Poor guy was so embarrassed, and it caused him a lot of stomach cramps. Now starts the bowel retraining program. No, I have no idea what's involved. Dr. Watson was supposed to have this thing all written up for us by today's appointment but she forgot or didn't have time or whatever. She said she would do it later and call me so I could pick it up. Hopefully she remembers...

Examiner

2011-06-17T17:23:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday (I think), I took Mikayla to the doctor because she told me her throat hurt. She hadn't been eating or drinking much at all that day, but she waits until about 5pm to tell me that her throat had been hurting. Thank gawd the doctors office has a walk-in clinic. The nurse swabbed the back of Mikayla's throat. She was very unhappy about that, but didn't cry or anything. When asked if Dakota's throat hurt, he said “Almost, but not quite”. So, they decided to test him too. When they swabbed this throat, he freaked out. He cried and cried and cried... he said it hurt really bad, lol... He is so dramatic. Mikayla was positive for strep, Dakota was negative. They gave Mikayla a shot on her butt, and of course she cried about that. She's been complaining ever since that her “tushy” hurts. Poor thing. It's been hurting her to walk.

Speaking of Dakota being dramatic... When we were in Branson, the kids got air-brush tattoos (they wanted to be like daddy). Dakota went first. It only took a minute, but the whole time Dakota was complaining about how painful it was, lol... Mikayla went next and when she was done she said that it didn't hurt.

I went back to the doctor yesterday for a follow up visit on my foot. When I stand barefoot on a flat surface, you can definitely see that my arch has fallen. I read somewhere that foot injuries can cause your arch to fall. I also have a dent in the top of my foot. Also, my foot pops whenever I walk. The doctor (well, nurse practitioner) acted like he didn't know what to do. He just said to see what they say when I go to physical therapy next week, and he gave me a brace for my foot. It has a lot more support to it than the one I was using that I got from Walmart. It really helps the pain when I walk.

I am now a writer for the Examiner – Kansas City edition. It's not really a big deal or anything, it's just a website and people have a certain topic that they write about. I got the topic of books, woohoo. I don't think it's something I will make a whole lot of money doing, but anything is better than nothing. You get paid by the number of page views – so please people, make sure to visit my page everyday! You don't have to read the articles, just open them up. Most of the articles I post are just going to be reviews and author interviews that I already post on my book blogging site. Here's the link:

http://www.examiner.com/books-in-kansas-city/tishia-mackey

Speaking of books, I've gotten a cool request. As I've mentioned before, I get a lot of book review requests. Not by super-famous authors, but still it's cool. Anyway, there is this one author that has this series out that I really like. I've read and reviewed the first 3 and I really like them. She just got done writing the 4^th book in the series, and she asked me to be one of the people that writes a sentence or two to have on the back cover of her book! You know, those sentences on books where reviewers say something to recommend the book...Anyway, I really like reviewing books. I get free e-books and I'm often one of the first to read a book that the author just got done writing.

Branson, and x-rays, and poop - oh my!

2011-06-14T15:51:00.002-05:00

Seems like a lot has happened since I last blogged. I actually went to a salon and got my hair done. I got a cut, highlights, lowlights, and a pink hair extension. All that cost $90. Eeek. I guess that was an early birthday present for myself. On June 3^rd, we had a garage sale. I think it was the hottest day ever. I worked for hours on getting stuff ready, and setting up, and I think we made like, $20. I don't really remember how much exactly, but it wasn't anywhere near worth it. There were several of my family members involved, I think everyone else made around $100. To make matters worse, I hurt my foot while I was trying to get stuff set up. I was wearing these sandals that had a big sole – and no back on them. Somehow, the back of my foot slipped off, my foot twisted and I stepped down on my foot while it was twisted. Or something like that. It happened so fast, I don't really remember exactly what happened. All I know was that it hurt. A lot. I don't think I will wear those sandals ever again.

Two days later, we left for vacation! We went to Branson and had a blast. I was determined not to let anything ruin our trip – including my foot. I ended up having to buy a brace to put on my foot when we went places. I even walked around Silver Dollar City. It was pretty miserable really, but the kids had a blast. They both found some rides that they loved, and they are both getting braver! Silver Dollar City was sooo expensive. Everything in Branson is expensive though. We lied everywhere and said that Mikayla was 3 so she could get in for free. I know, I know – awful. She wasn't happy about that. She is 4 years old and dang proud of it! Anyway, we also did the Ride the Ducks thing, went to the Hollywood Wax Museum, and went to a show called Legends in Concert. They had someone pretending to be Michael Jackson and the kids absolutely loved it! They are both just HUGE Michael Jackson fans now. A few days later, we headed home. We didn't want to, but I had a dr. appt. and we had spent too much money anyway. On this trip though, I think I was the happiest I have been in a really really long time.

My doctor appt. on Thursday didn't go as well as I'd hoped. I hate going, so I was hoping the doctor would think I was doing fine and tell me not to come back for several months. Hey, a girl can hope. The first thing he said to me was “Happy Birthday”. I made the mistake of groaning and not acting happy about it. I forgot I was supposed to try to be perkier. So, the doctor gave me a loooong speech about how age is just a number and if you have aspirations, you will never be old... After awhile he asked me if I was listening to what he was saying. I think my eyes were glazing over. After some more long speeches about my soul being depressed or something like that, he decided to start me on some bi-polar medicine. That got my attention. I said, “Bi-Polar? Really? You think I'm Bi-Polar???” He was just like, “Well, it's not mania”. Like that was supposed to make me feel better. Either the doctor is crazy, or I don't know what Bi-Polar is... because my mood is pretty much always the same. I'm never excited or perky or anything like that. I don't have anger outbursts or anything. I just feel “blah” all the time.

Anyway, by Friday my foot was still hurting. I called to make a dr. appt. and they got me in right away. They took an xray, but the xray showed more of my ankle than the part of my foot that hurt (of course). The dr. decided that I have a mid-foot sprain (where your ligaments are pulled or torn). The milder sprains are supposed to last 1-2 weeks. It's been 1 week and 4 days and it still hurts to walk. I have an appt. on Monday for some physical therapy. Anyway, he just prescribed me some Prednisone, which is awful. I was to take 6 the first day, 5 the next, 4 the next, etc... The other day, I was trying to take several at the same time and they kinda got caught in the back of my throat and stayed on my tongue too long. Oh my gawd. I can't even describe the taste of this stuff. John was talking to me at the time, and I started shuddering and stuff, like I had Tourette's or something. John started laughing at me, so I told him to take one of those pills and rub it on the back of his tongue. He actually did it. His reaction was pretty much like mine, I laughed so hard I cried. Oddly enough, John's foot started hurting over the weekend. He went to the doctor yesterday about it (the same dr). They took an xray and said that some bone in John's foot is inflamed. The doctor gave him a shot – injected Cortisone directly into his foot. Ouch. He also gave John a prescription for Prednisone – which he refuses to fill, lol...

On Saturday, we went to a wedding in Kansas City. John's cousin, Wes Summa, was getting married. He was raised in Tarkio, then later moved to the Kansas City area. Anyway, it was really strange, at the reception I ran into my cousin Jessica and her husband Dan! Turns out, Dan and Wes are really good friends and used to be roomates. How weird is that???

Yesterday, I also called Dr. Watson's office to get Dakota an appt. They said they could get him in right then (the doctors in this town must be having a boring summer or something). Anyway, I wanted to talk to Dr. Watson about Dakota's lack of ability to hold his bowels. It seems to be getting worse. He is pooping his pants 3-4 times a day. I mean, he is almost 8 years old and will be starting 2^nd grade this year. I don't want to have to home school him or something. Anyway, they took an xray of his abdomen – isn't it funny that 3 of us had xrays in a 3 day time period? Dakota's body is just full of poop – which is weird to me since he poops all the time. I guess he isn't going nearly enough and his bowel is stretched out or something and he can't feel when he needs to go. Dr. Watson is having me give him a lot of Miralax in his drinks. So far, no luck. If he doesn't get much out in a few days, then we are supposed to give him Exlax. She wants to see him again on Monday to do another xray of his abdomen. We need to get him fully cleaned out – having all that poop in there can be toxic. She briefly mentioned that some kids have to have a hospital stay for this reason. Well, I'm sure that this is more poop than you ever wanted to hear about, so I will quit babbling now! More updates to come, I'm sure.

This is me

2011-06-14T15:51:00.001-05:00

This is something that has been bothering me for a long, long time. I mean, maybe it's my fault, but I hate how people “see” me. I was always shy in school, so I didn't talk a whole lot. Instead of people thinking, “Hmm...maybe she is shy” people liked to think that I was stuck up instead. My issue as an adult, is people thinking that I'm like a nun or something. Far from it – I'm not even Christian. I think of myself as Agnostic – which is not believing that there is a God, or isn't. I'm not going to believe, or not believe, in something because a book tells me to. Maybe I'm stubborn that way. I like to think I'm open minded. I'm not even going to go into the reasons I feel this way, I'm sure that just saying what I have will cause people to judge me. That's the issue I guess. I don't like people assuming things about me. I know it's sometimes hard not to judge people, but c'mon... I'm quiet. That doesn't mean anything except the fact that I'm quiet. Guess what? I have sex. “Ohmygod” you're thinking, right? Because it's not like I've had kids or anything. I don't party. Why? Because I'm not a people person. I don't drink alcohol. Not because I think it's taboo, but because I really think alcohol tastes like shit. Oh, that's another thing. I cuss. Not a lot – usually when I hurt myself or when I just remember something that I had forgotten to do. I just think it's stupid when I hear people cussing because they think it sounds cool. Hmm...what else? You'd probably be surprised at the things I'd do if I knew I wouldn't get caught. I'm not the forgive and forgetting type. There's plenty of revenge I'd like to dish out. But because staying in a jail cell isn't my idea of fun, I think I will refrain from slashing some tires and writing certain phrases in people's yards with grass killer.

School's out!

2011-05-27T12:40:00.009-05:00

Wednesday was Dakota's last day of school. The next day, he was already complaining about being bored, lol... The kids are surprisingly getting along extremely well, and playing together. I think Dakota has realized that if he doesn't play with his little sister, he won't have anyone to play with. Of course, Dakota has a 1-track mind. Right now his obsession is wrestlers. He can only talk about wrestling, play wrestling, watch wrestling... Mikayla will play with Dakota's wrestlers with him, so he should feel pretty lucky! She knows the name of almost all the wrestlers...

Last week was the end of the semester at the Academy of Art. In my digital tools class, I got an A. I liked that teacher. My other teacher was pretty tough about things. I still don't have my final grade from her yet. Last I knew, it was a B+. In that class, we had to make everything by hand, and it was pretty challenging. With some of our projects, we had to mail them to the school instead of just uploading pictures of the projects. I got my grade for a gift box I made, and she gave me an A on it and told me it was the best in the class! I'm almost positive that she must have gotten my project mixed up with someone else, I can't imagine mine being the best.

Last weekend, my niece Cami stayed the night with us. She brought over a Michael Jackson wii game. It's a game where you have to dance like him. Anyway, Mikayla is obsessed with Michael Jackson now. It's sad really. A couple mornings ago, she woke me up by begging me to start the Thriller video on You Tube. She loves watching it, and it's so funny to hear her try to sing that song. The other day, she asked me to go to my bedroom with her - so we could sit on the bed and have "girl talk".
Me: Oookkaayyy....What do you want to talk about?
Mikayla: Michael Jackson
Me: Why do you like Michael Jackson so much?
Mikayla: Because he sounds like a girl
Me: Yeah, uhh...do you think he's handsome?
Mikayla: Well, Yeah!! (said like "well, duh")

*Sigh* So, I've heard that I had a crush on Michael Jackson when I was about her age. Not that I like to admit that, but it's just strange that my daughter and I had a crush on the same guy - at the same age - 25 years apart from each other! I remembered that I have a Michael Jackson barbie doll from 1984 - he's wearing his Thriller outfit. John and I went out to the garage and found it. Both kids love it. Dakota was disappointed that it didn't come with the zombies from the Thriller video. I also found some of my other things that I had when I was little, like troll dolls and paper dolls. I found my puppy dog that I absolutely loved when I was a little girl. It's kinda beat up. I washed it and gave it to Dakota because he seemed to really like it. It's kind of odd seeing my kids play with toys I had when I was little - it makes me happy to see that though.

Anyway, here are some pictures of things I made in my classes this last semester:

Omaha

2011-05-24T16:19:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was Dakota's MRI in Omaha. The night before I didn't get to sleep until 4 am and then we got up at 6 am so we could leave town around 7. We left Mikayla at my brother Ryan and Kayla's house because siblings aren't allowed in the room. It was really hard for me to leave her because she's with me all the time. I know I worry too much about things, but all weekend I was worried about the trip. I was afraid of the 3 of us dying in a car accident and leaving Mikayla alone. And I hate the road between here and Burlington, Jct. There's atleast 3 different areas along the road there with cross memorials. So, not only did I have anxiety about that, I just had anxiety about being so far away from Mikayla. Seriously, I felt like something was on my chest all day long and that feeling didn't go away until we picked her up. Anyway, so once we got into Omaha, something told me to pull out the paper that our appt. time was on. I had been thinking that Dakota's MRI time was for 11:15 but we had to be there at 9:15. Nope, I was 2 hours off - we didn't have to be there until 11:15. I was really really frustrated with myself. I wouldn't have had to leave Mikayla so long, Dakota wouldn't have had to be awake for as long without being able to eat or drink, we all could have slept longer, etc... I don't know why I was SO sure we had to be there at 9:15. I didn't even double check the time of the appt before we left, which is weird because I never trust myself. I always double check everything I think and do. And to make things even better, I was so sure where we were supposed to check in at that I didn't even bring the papers with us. We checked in on the wrong side of the hospital. They seemed to be confused and sent us to the lab. The lab was confused but finally got us over to where we needed to be. When we got to that area, they were confused by the papers I had gotten from the original place I checked in and from the lab... It was a big mess. Oops... So, we finally get to the room where you wait for your child to be taken to their procedure. They were asking Dakota questions, which he was only partly paying attention to. The nurse asked Dakota if John and I were his parents and Dakota shook his head no. *Sigh* I'm lucky they didn't think that John and I abducted this boy so we could take him to get an MRI done. A little later, we found out there was an emergency so they were running behind. Dakota watched a movie for a little while but he told us to just shut it off. I think he was too scared to pay attention to the movie. He cried a little and said that he wanted to stay with us and I cried a little... They brought Dakota some medicine to make him not really know what was going on. It was hilarious really, he was saying some weird stuff. He told me that I looked like a little boy and he told John that he looked like he had small eyes, a big trunk, and lots of teeth. He was so serious about it too, I haven't laughed so hard in a long time.

They finally came in at 1:10 to get Dakota and take him to get his MRI done. They told us that the MRI itself usually takes 30 minutes, but it would take a total of 1 1/2 hours by the time they put him to sleep and have him wake up afterward in recovery. They didn't bring him back to the room until 3:15. I was freaking out a bit, you know how my mind works... And I was dying of boredom, and going stir-crazy, and had a bad headache from stress and lack of sleep. I was so relieved when they brought him back in and saw that he was doing good. From there, it was another hour before we could leave the hospital.

We finally ate lunch around 4:30. Dakota was determined to have a cheeseburger from McDonald's. I reminded him that the hospital said that he needed to stick with soft foods and he was like, "Well, hamburgers are kinda soft". We gave in, and luckily his food stayed down (even though he said his stomach started bothering him). Then started the adventure of trying to get out of Omaha. They were having rush hour around that time and either we would miss our turns/exits, or other cars wouldn't let us in the lanes we needed to be in. We had all sorts of trouble. We ended up on some back roads. We even had to stop and pay at some toll bridge that was in the boonies. It was really weird, like we weren't supposed to get home. We seriously had the worst luck. While we were trying to get out of Omaha, we got a call from John's mom saying that his dad went to the ER with chest pains and it was frustrating for us to not be able to be there. John's dad is ok, but is still in the hospital for testing. I think it was about 7:30 before we got home last night. I'm not looking forward to making any more trips to Omaha. What a day!

I'm traumatized

2011-05-19T15:41:00.002-05:00

My husband came up behind me and started messing with my hair. Seriously, I though he was checking for ticks or something - he wouldn't tell me what he was doing. Apparently, he was searching for gray hair. I think he was determined to find one. And he did. My loving husband was so kind to find one and point it out to me. It's bad enough that I'm turning 30 next month. Now I'm already getting gray hair. What's next, a walker??? This was such a traumatic experience. I better start buying facial products to ward off fine lines and wrinkles. I'm going to go dye my hair - and dye it regularly because I don't want to know if I get any more. My wonderful husband was wanting to throw me a 30th birthday party at the senior center. I *think* I talked him out of that. I'd rather crawl under a rock that day.

May the 4th be with you

2011-05-04T15:13:00.002-05:00

Apparently, today is Star Wars day - hence the name of the blog. Anyway, Mikayla has been having a tooth bother her for the past few days. She hasn't been eating as much, and it hurts her tooth to drink out of a sippy cup (and she doesn't do well with a regular cup) so she hasn't been drinking as much either. I asked her if she bumped it or something but she said no. I didn't see anything wrong with her tooth but went ahead and called yesterday to make her a dentist appt. She is a tough little girl and doesn't complain much, so if she does complain about something - it's because it bothers her a lot. Also, I was worried because this tooth is right next to the other 2 that had to be removed. So anyway, they were able to get Mikayla in at 9:00 this morning. I just love the staff there, they are so nice. The dental hygienist mentioned that she saw me and Mikayla in the newspaper not too long ago. Isn't that kind of odd that someone who doesn't really even know us would remember seeing our picture in the paper? Anyway, Mikayla did pretty good with the hygienist (who is a woman), but when the dentist himself came in - she didn't do so well. She wouldn't look at him, talk to him, or open her mouth for him. When he tried to look in her mouth, she kept her head turned and she had tears running down her cheeks. I felt so bad for her. She hasn't had the best dental experience. The hygienist was able to get an xray done, and they couldn't find anything wrong with Mikayla's tooth. So, besides for the $86 I spent for nothing (with a check # 666), it's a good thing. The dentist did say that it looks like she's starting to lose the root of that tooth, but kids don't usually lose that tooth until they are 6 or 7 (but that shouldn't be causing her any pain). It sounds like she will lose that tooth early and will look completely toothless on top one of these days. She will look like a little old lady, lol.... They figure that she must have just bumped it or something and the pain will go away on its own. But I'm sure this just makes me look like a crazy woman. Incase you don't remember, I went to this dentist awhile back with tooth pain and he said there was absolutely nothing wrong. When we were leaving, Mikayla was given a lip-gloss necklace so that made her happy. She was able to choose from different shapes/colors. When we were in the van, she said, "Mommy, do you know why I chose the heart necklace?" So I said, "No, why?" And she said, "Because I love you". Awwww.....

When I picked Dakota up from school today, his teacher came over to talk to me. She said that Dakota was having a bad afternoon. At 2nd recess, a boy upset Dakota and she had a hard time calming him down. She wasn't able to get him to work on anything the rest of the day. When we were walking to the van, Dakota started crying again, and cried all the way home. I finally got out of him that this boy scared him with a bug. Apparently it was black and white and looked like a ladybug. He's afraid to go to sleep tonight because he just knows that he is going to have nightmares about this bug. The poor guy gets so worked up over things...I feel so bad for him. I wish there was something I could do to make life not so tough for him.

Random babble

2011-04-20T13:21:00.003-05:00

Want to hear about the dumb thing I did yesterday? Of course you do... After I woke up yesterday morning, I walked over to the other side of the bed to shut the fan off. Now, I must mention that this is John's side of the bed and the floor over there is usually an obstacle course. Mikayla was hollering for me, so I tried to quickly walk over there to shut off the fan. I tripped on John's weights, then tried to catch myself with my other foot but my ankle gave out on me and I fell and hit my chin on the nightstand and hit my arm on something else (who knows what). I thought I broke my toe, it hurt so bad. It's not broke, but it's bruised. My chin is bruised, but not badly. It feels worse than it looks - it even hurts to eat or yawn. I also have a big bruise on my arm, it's really sore and maybe a little swollen. Both shoulder muscles and upper arm muscles are sore - it hurts to raise my arms. Oh, and my ankle is a little sore but not bad. On top of that, it was a rainy, crappy day so my arthritis and fibromyalgia were flaring up and my whole body was aching. I pretty much felt like I got hit by a truck.

I've been having trouble sleeping lately. I've been taking tylenol pm for a long time but the normal dosage just isn't doing it for me anymore. I have trouble staying asleep too once I finally get to sleep. Awhile back, Dr. Butt had me on Klonopin which I took along with the tylenol pm and it was great! Then, he took me off of it after awhile because you can become dependent on it. I had trouble sleeping again and it seemed like the longer I was off of it, the more I had trouble sleeping. I still had a refill left so I started taking it again (I know, I know - I'm so bad). I love that stuff and I do think my body has become dependent on it. As soon as I started taking it, I started gaining weight so after awhile I stopped taking it again (I'm sure that's life's way of punishing me for taking it when I wasn't supposed to). I didn't have another refill left anyway. I had a bad headache for 2 days straight after I stopped taking it and I wonder if that's related. Anyway, now I'm taking 3 tylenol pm and it's working ok. It's past time for me to have another appt. with Dr. Butt. I have anxiety about going there. The last time I was there, they gave me an appt. card for my next appointment. I put it in my purse and wouldn't look at it. I know that's strange but if I could make myself forget about it, then I wouldn't stress myself about it. So, of course I missed my last appointment. They never call you to remind you like most dr. offices do. So, now I'm stressing about calling them. If I don't go back then I won't get my meds so it's not like I really have a choice. But I don't know what to say... "Ummm...I forgot about my last appointment...that was over a month ago...so I need to reschedule". Most people would have noticed sooner that they forgot about their appointment. But, I'm sure they are used to dealing with strange people... Oh, and no - that's not the first time I've "forgotten" an appointment there.

Anyway, that Children's Hospital in Omaha called me yesterday and said that they scheduled Dakota's MRI for May 23rd. They could have gotten him in sooner, but it takes awhile to hear back from the insurance company to see if they will cover gene testing. They are going to do blood work on Dakota when they put him to sleep for the MRI. So, I got to thinking - why are they doing gene testing? Maybe I'm thinking too much into this, but now I'm kind of offended - like they think Dakota got his...uhhh...weirdness...from me. It kind of reminds me of the time a chiropractor asked me if I was dropped on my head as a baby...

Confessions of a book nerd

2011-04-17T18:14:00.003-05:00

Ok, so I'm sure that anyone reading this knows what a book nerd I am. I read all the time, do reviews for authors, etc... Another book reviewer was having a contest on her blog to win a book by Gena Showalter - who is a famous author. Anyway, I won the book and the girl told me that she would give my info to the author. Well, I got the book in the mail the other day, and not only did the author autograph the book - she even personalized it! And she even spelled my name right!!! Woohoo, this might be the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me! Seriously, I'm more excited about this than I would be excited about getting an autograph from an actor or the president or whatever... She even included book "swag" like a postcard and bookmarks.

Last week, when we went to that open house thing at the library (the thing for parents that have kids with special needs) - I signed up for a drawing to win a book about Autism. The next day they called me and told me I won! It's almost scary that I am having good luck all of a sudden. I'm just waiting for the bad luck that's waiting for me behind the next corner...

Anyway, the other day the kids and I went to a garage sale at the legion. They had this thing where you could fill up a bag for $5. There were so many people there it was crazy. Anyway, Dakota was begging me for some black outfit type thing so I finally just told him to put it in the bag - I was ready to go. It ended up being a woman's black dress that buttons up the front. Even after telling him that it's a woman's dress, he still wants to wear it. He pretends that it's a black trench coat type thing that The Undertaker wears. I told him that he's not allowed to wear that thing out of the house, lol... You should have seen John's reply when I texted him and told him that Dakota bought a dress, ha ha... ::sigh:: I just keep reminding myself that my son isn't wearing a dress because he wants to be a girl...

Earlier out of the blue, Dakota said, "Mikayla hasn't grown a pee pee yet, has she?" I tried to explain to him that boys and girls are different, though I thought we had already had this conversation at some point. Then Dakota wanted to know how girls pee so I tried to explain that to him. After I told him, he said "Well, that's no fun". Kids definitely make life more interesting!

Random Ramblings

2011-04-12T22:00:00.003-05:00

It seems like I've been so busy lately I can hardly keep up. On Sunday we had to make a trip to St. Joe for some special kind of paper I need for my art class and also some paper to make my aunt's wedding invitations. We took some of the kid's outgrown clothes to Once Upon a Child down there. I didn't know how late in the day they took clothes to buy, so we went there first. The girl told me that it would be an hour before they could get through everything. We just hung out there for the hour. The kids were having fun playing in the play area and I was having fun looking at the kids clothes. Don't ask me why, but I love shopping for my kids more than I love shopping for myself. After about an hour, I went up to pay for the stuff I was getting and asked if they had gone through the stuff we brought yet and of course - they forgot. Ugh.... There was less than an hour until they closed at that point and I told them that we lived out of town and I didn't want to have to come back. The manager on duty seemed annoyed but said she would go ahead and go through the stuff. We were tired of waiting so we said we'd be back and drove around for a little bit. We didn't really have time to go any place else and get back to Once Upon a Child before they closed. We went back to pay for the stuff I got (which they held for me) and to get the stuff they didn't buy. I actually made more money there than what I spent so that was a plus! After we left there, we headed up north toward Michael's to look for paper. Of course, Border's is right next door and they have less than a week until they close. There was a sign that said 70 - 80% off everything! So, of course I had to run in there first. I was like a kid in a candy store. Once we left there, we went over to Michael's. The hours on their door said they closed at 7:00. I looked at the time and it was 7:00. Uggggggg........ I'm used to going to St. Joe on a Friday or Saturday where all those stores stay open until 9 or 10. I was so frustrated. We ended up having to make another trip to St. Joe yesterday after John got off work. We went straight to Michael's and made no stops beforehand.

Speaking of school stuff - recently I had to make a book and find someplace that would bind it with wire binding. I went to the 2 office/printing stores here in town and neither of them did wire binding. They suggested I try the college, because they have a place there that does binding. This place was a pain in the butt to find, and I was worried they wouldn't help me since I wasn't a Northwest student. I just happened to have on my Northwest sweatshirt though. I went in and they said that they were able to do the wire binding. She asked if I lived on campus or off. I told her I lived off campus, hey I didn't lie. I was only charged $1.50 so I was excited. I got my grade for my book yesterday, which was a big midterm project, and I only got a C+ on it. I was told that my binding wasn't perfectly straight. I guess that what I get for not going to some professional place. Also, I was docked because my title page with my name on it was typed in a script font and I was told that it was too distracting. It was a cool font! I thought it was very artistic. I didn't know I was supposed to pick a boring corporate font. This teacher is like a drill sergeant or something. She barely teaches, barely answers questions, and she is a hard a**. The other day she asked me if I had turned in an assignment that she already graded!! And my teacher for my other class is foreign and doesn't seem to know what she's talking about. Uggg...

This evening, we went to the library. They were having an open house downstairs there for parents that have children with special needs. They had a lot of stuff about Autism and Asperger's - I have no doubt that that's what Dakota has. The lady there was showing us different toys and things to help with motor skills. Dakota picked something up and asked what it was. The lady said that it was a body bag. I wanted to say, "Uhhh...I don't think that my child's needs are severe enough that we need a body bag". Somehow, I don't think she would have appreciated my sense of humor.

Omaha appt.

2011-04-08T13:00:00.002-05:00

Yesterday wasn't the best day. First of all, we didn't leave town as early as we wanted and then we ended up getting a tad bit lost in Omaha. Dakota's appt. was at 11:00 but they wanted us to be there 15 minutes early to check in. Instead we got there at 11:15 or so. Luckily, they were ready for us when we got there, and they got us right back into a room. The girl checking Dakota's weight and blood pressure acted like she wasn't sure why we were there. I said something about Asperger's and she just looked at me like I was weird. The doctor came in and he was really nice. Come to find out, this was a neurology clinic - not a clinic for developmental disorders. At Dakota's last appt. with Dr. Watson, she said that they would make him an appt. with a clinic in either KC or Omaha so Dakota could get checked out and hopefully given an official diagnosis for Asperger's. In passing, she mentioned that she would like Dakota to see a Neurologist for his hand and arm weakness. So, when I got a call from the Children's Hospital in Omaha - I assumed it was for the Asperger's - not the muscle weakness (because there are Neurologists in St. Joe). Anyway, the doctor checked out Dakota's strength, and for the most part he was ok. There was one point where the doctor had Dakota do something with his arms and his right arm had a slight tremor (and Dr. Watson had noticed that Dakota's right arm was a little weaker than his left - which is strange considering he is right handed). Anyway, the doctor was a little concerned and wasn't sure why he had the tremor. He said it could be something to do with his higher-level brain activity or something like that. I can't remember exactly what it was he said, but he wants Dakota to have an MRI. He also wants some blood work done, which includes gene testing if the insurance will cover it. They are supposed to call me within a week - they are going to get all his medical records to see what kinds of things were checked the last time Dakota had his blood drawn. Oddly, Dr. Watson's office didn't send any information about Dakota to this clinic. I am pretty annoyed by all that. I love Dr. Watson, but there is a major communication problem with her staff. Anyway, during this appt. Dakota was doing a lot of his odd "quirks" - and the doctor wants us to see the Developmental Clinic there in the same building. They are the one's that can diagnose the Asperger's. They gave me a paper with a phone number to call. I called it, and they can't get Dakota in until August! Ugh... I am sooo annoyed. I have been waiting over a month for this appt. I wanted to cry, I was so frustrated. I feel like we waited so long, and went all that way - and got nothing accomplished. Anyway, they said that Dakota will need to be put to sleep for the MRI - and Maryville probably won't do that so we will have to go back to Omaha to have that done.

Strep and a conference and books (oh my)

2011-03-18T15:29:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was quite the busy (and stressful) day. Dakota woke up and said that his throat hurt really badly. He just knew that he had strep. I texted my cousin Christine (who works at the dr.s office) and asked her to see if she could get him in to see someone. At 9:40 I texted her and asked if she had any luck, and she was like "Didn't you get my text, I got him in at 9:30". Ugh...Sometimes I think that life doesn't like me very much. So anyway, she let them know that we were running late. I had to finish getting the kids ready, luckily we don't live too far away. We sat in the waiting room for a loooong time. I think they were punishing me for being late. Anyway, Dakota does indeed have strep. The dr. wrote us a prescription, told us that Dakota would be contagious for 24 hours after he started the Amoxil, and we were on our way. Went through the drive-thru at Walgreens and they had a piece of paper taped to their window that said the pharmacy was closed. I have no idea why. Later on in the day, I had a parent/teacher conference with Dakota's teacher. John had to leave work early so I could go to that and leave the kids at home. I wasn't really looking forward to going anyway, with my social issues. I got there and not only was his teacher there - but also the student teacher, his speech teacher, his special-ed math teacher, and the assistant principal. It was intimidating - I couldn't really even concentrate on what everyone was saying and I felt like everyone was staring at me (which they kinda were), and I was sweating... It lasted probably 30 minutes - they wanted to go over his IEP (Individual Education Plan) for next year. He will be pulled out of class a little more in 2nd grade for special ed classes. I guess that's ok. I mean, I hate for him to miss the fun projects that they do in the classroom - but I know he does so much better 1 on 1. Most of what I remember from the meeting was everybody agreeing that Dakota is very easily distracted and extremely slow at getting his work done. He is making progress though... After the conference, I went by Walgreens again and they were open. I don't know what had been going on, but I finally got Dakota's prescription filled. Then, we had to make a quick trip to St. Joe so I could get some supplies for my art class. The list of things I needed was kind of vague, so I wasn't even sure what to get. The people at Michael's (craft store) didn't even know what I was talking about. So, I just got stuff that I thought might work, spent too much money, and I'm hoping this stuff will be ok. I guess I will see later.

I'm not sure who all knows how addicted to reading I am. I'm obsessed with Paranormal romances and Urban Fantasy. I like anything to do with vampires, werewolves, fae, fallen angels, etc... Yes, I'm aware that I could be odd - but I found a whole sea full of other odd people just like me! I found a book blogging community that has hundreds of people reviewing these sort of books, blogging about what's new, etc... I started my own book blog about a month ago - nothing that anybody reading this blog would be interested in I'm sure. But anyway, I'm surprised at how many authors have blogs and have contact with the book blogger community. I already have almost 200 people following my blog. Lots are other book bloggers, some are authors, and some are just regular readers of the paranormal genre. I have been contacted by several new authors (not well known) to review their books for them. I'm almost overwhelmed with trying to get everything read and reviewed, along with reading the books that I want to read. Authors are really cool, a lot of them will donate a book that you can give away to whoever enters the giveaway on your blog. I've won a lot of books by entering contests on other blogger's blogs. Some authors will even offer to be interviewed on your blog. It creates more publicity for them, and if the authors mention it on their blog - then it sends more people to your blog. I even have a Facebook for my blog (most book bloggers do) and I'm surprised at how many authors request to be my friend. I think that networking with authors and publishers now is great because someday I think it would be cool to be an editor or design book covers. I'm hoping it will get me an "in" with a profession in the book industry.

School stuff

2011-03-02T21:29:00.003-06:00

Dakota's doctors office finally got back with me this week. He has an appt. with some place in Omaha on April 7th to possibly get an Asperger's diagnosis. I'm really hoping that John can get that day off to go with me. One of the special ed teachers at Dakota's school sent a letter home today. She wants to meet with us when we meet with Dakota's regular teacher on the 17th for parent/teacher conferences. She needs to talk about his IEP - Individual Education Plan.

School is still going ok for me. In one class, I had to buy an expensive bottle of olive oil - then submerge it in soapy water for 5-7 days to get the original label off completely. Now I have to design a new label for it, and I will have to buy some sort of $60 rub-down paper to make the label with. Should be interesting. When I bought the olive oil, I had to take a picture of the olive oil display in the store. I stood in that aisle at Walmart for 10 minutes until it was all clear. Then I tried to discreetly take my gigantic camera out of my purse to take a picture. I was afraid that they would think I was a spy for another store or something, or just a weirdo...
Anyway, today I got enrolled in my summer classes. I was told that the summer classes are only half as long so they have to cover double the amount. It will be like taking 4 classes. I'm going to be reeaallly busy. One class is Photography for Graphic Design. I'm looking forward to taking that one. The other one is Composition for the Artist. That one is a writing course, so I'm not sure how I'll like that. Unless, of course, I can write about vampires and stuff...

Mikayla's birthday party will be Saturday, April 2nd at 3:00. We're having it at Pizza Hut. I got the invitations made today and now I need to order some party supplies. She had a hard time deciding what kind of birthday party to have. I thought she had decided on Strawberry Shortcake, but at the last minute she decided on My Little Pony. I just can't believe she is going to be 4 already.

Update on the kids

2011-02-23T22:07:00.007-06:00

Nothing much new going on here. We still haven't found out when we can get Dakota into one of those places for his official diagnosis. I've even left a message with the doctor's office and haven't heard back. Things sure aren't getting any easier. We ended up sending our upstairs neighbors a letter explaining a little of what is going on with Dakota and why he cries a lot. We just don't want them reporting us to DFS thinking that we beat our kid or something. Hopefully they understand - they had complained about us the first week we moved in - complained that our kids were too loud. Dakota's meltdowns seem to be getting worse, along with his bathroom issues. It's to the point where I don't want to take him anywhere. Isn't that sad? I just know that other people aren't going to understand. I've seen it a lot - Dakota is treated differently. When someone gets annoyed with Dakota, I take it personally. I just have this need to want to keep him home and keep him "protected" - so he doesn't have to deal with the reactions of others. I think I've always been this way. I think that deep-down, I've known he was a little different from other kids when he was really young. That's why I always have him with me and seem to have attachment issues. I don't even like him going to school. I'm so scared that kids are going to make fun of him. Just yesterday, I got a call from the school nurse. Apparently, a couple of boys at lunch time were doing things to try to gross Dakota out. Dakota ended up throwing up on his shirt and they had to send him home in a different one. Dakota was in tears and just really upset by the whole ordeal. The nurse said that she just hugged him and felt so bad for him. I think she seems to have a soft spot for Dakota. But anyway, it's just little things like that - things that don't bother other kids but really bothers Dakota. If anyone wants to know more about Asperger's, here is a good link: http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/tc/aspergers-syndrome-symptoms.

Dakota's latest obsession is wrestling. We have to watch it on tv every Monday and Friday nights. That stuff is so pathetic. The backstage stuff is like a really bad soap opera. Anyway, when he's not watching wrestling on tv, he watches videos of it on youtube. Lately, Dakota has been singing this one song that a retired wrestler used to come out to. It is so hilarious to hear Dakota sing it - especially when he sings it in his tough-guy voice. Here are the lyrics:

I think I'm cute.
I know I'm sexy.
I've got the looks,
That drive the girls wild
I've got the moves, that really move 'em.
I send chills up.
Up and down their spines.

I'm just a sexy boy,
Sexy boy
I'm not your boy toy,
Boy toy
I'm just a sexy boy,
Sexy boy
I'm not your boy toy,
Boy toy

Mikayla just keeps amazing us more every day. Last week, she saw a picture and said, "Mommy, that's the Eiffel Tower". Then she tells me that it is located in France. Seriously, what 3 year old knows this stuff? She was outside with John this evening, and she said, "It's going to get dark soon. I know that because the Earth is always turning". Her little mind just picks up on everything, where Dakota only picks up details on what few things are important to him at the time. We worry how this is going to affect him. Mikayla is already correcting the way Dakota says things. How do you deal with one kid being in special ed classes, while the other kid is a genius for her age?

Just some random pictures of the kids:

They were getting married:

Asperger's

2011-02-07T18:15:00.003-06:00

I had an appt at 8:00 this morning with Dakota's doctor - Dr. Watson. It was just an appt. for us to talk - Dakota wasn't there, he was at school. There were some things I wanted to talk to her about, and I didn't really want Dakota there. Dr. Watson is wonderful, she talked to me for an hour. We have know for a long time now that there is something going on with Dakota. I had set down and made of big list of Dakota's quirks. I got opinions from John and my mom, and then gave that list to Dr. Watson. She says that Dakota has Asperger's - which is a milder form of autism. We can't get an "official" diagnosis until we take Dakota to some sort of center - the closest ones are in Omaha or KC. We need that diagnosis for insurance purposes and for Dakota to get more help at school. The doctor is going to make an appt. for us - she said that she would just send us to whichever one she can get us into soonest - they take awhile to get into. She also mentioned something about getting Dakota an appt. with a neurologist for his fine-motor weakness.

My classes are going ok. It's more time consuming than I thought it would be - especially with a clingy little girl. And with me being exhausted and in pain all the time - it makes it hard to concentrate. It's just going to take a lot of effort. I've had 2 quizzes so far - on one I got a 100% but on the other I only got an 80%. Of course it didn't help that Mikayla crawled up on my lap right after I started and she wouldn't be quiet. Oh well - that's the joys of parenthood I suppose!

First day of class

2011-02-01T00:52:00.004-06:00

Today was the first day of classes. It's a bit overwhelming right now, but I think I will like it. It will help when I get everything I'm supposed to get. I have my art supplies, and my Photoshop book - still waiting on Illustrator and InDesign. Also, I found out that my disc won't open up Illustrator either, so Photoshop is the only software I currently have. I thought I'd hear from JourneyEd today about that but never did. I found some 30-day trials of those on Adobe's website, but still had trouble installing them. John finally had to install Illustrator as International English instead of American English to get it to work. We have no idea why. InDesign wouldn't install at all, so he installed it on his laptop. I have his laptop on a tv tray next to my computer so I can watch the lectures on my computer while I use InDesign on his....ugh... Oh, and I got an Academy of Art shirt last week. Unfortunately, the word "of" is a little too close to the word "art" so it looks like it says Academy o fart...

Last week I had a dr. appt. and I had to take Mikayla with me. On the way there, I explained to her that this Dr.'s name is Dr. Butt. She said, "Ewww...gross!!!". That's exactly the kind of reaction I anticipated, lol...that's why I wanted to get it over with in the van before we went in. Mikayla was really good and just sat there quietly during my appt. The doctor told me that she was a beautiful angel, and he told me that I looked like I lost weight - so he earned some points with me on this visit. Though, he upped my Lexapro dosage. I suppose he thinks I'm still not perky enough. He suggested that I try taking Melatonin supplements to get to sleep instead of Tylenol pm. I've tried it for a couple of days now, and they do make me tired and sleep through the night... but I'm still unsure about them. I've been waking up a little more groggy, but I don't know if it's a coincidence. You would think a vitamin would make you less groggy than tylenol pm. I guess I will try it out a little longer.

I also mentioned to the doctor about how I haven't been feeling right lately. I've been having a light fever and slight upset stomach for at least a couple of months now. The upset stomach has been worse lately (and no - I'm not pregnant). He wanted me to see my regular doctor to get what he called a "work up". I had an appt. with Lisa DiStefano today. I wasn't going to go because of the ice. John couldn't even get to work this morning. His car wouldn't even make it up the little hill out of the drive - instead his car slid back and into the van. No damage - just some scratches. And luckily it was our van and not our neighbor's. Anyway, by 3:00 the parking lot here was salted so I had John take me to my appt. The doctor wanted me to have some blood work done so I went over to the lab area there in the dr.'s office. The lady taking my blood was not the most pleasant, and she had sooo much trouble finding my vein. I don't know what it is, but it seems like the older I get - the worse time the lab people have with my veins. On the first arm, she slid the needle in and out probably a dozen times. It was pure torture. She finally tried the other arm, and after a couple of tries it worked. The blood filled up the vials a lot speedier than normal. I think it was my body's way of getting this lady away from me ASAP...

Stress, stress, and more stress

2011-01-26T23:53:00.003-06:00

School starts on Monday, and I am stressing a bit. Things really aren't going right at the moment. I was kind of pushing it to get enrolled, and get all my stuff by the 31st. My software arrived yesterday, and I was so excited. The software is worth a whole heck of a lot, and it's the most important part. I waited for John to get home from work to get it installed for me. He worked on it for hours and it would NOT install. He just kept getting errors. We finally just went to bed around 2 am. Today, while John was at work, I contacted Adobe. Luckily, you can chat with them online instead of having to talk on the phone. Being the sweet husband that he is, John logged all the error messages for me - and wrote down important info for me that he knew Adobe would be asking. I just copied and pasted all million errors into the chatbox. After awhile, the guy had to remote into my computer so he could go in there and take a look at things himself. It's kind of weird sitting there seeing your cursor move around the screen, and boxes popping up and closing all by themselves. Of course I had to set there the entire time in case he wanted to open the chat box back up to ask me questions. I thought I was going to pee my pants. Finally, after 2 1/2 looong hours, he determined that the disc I got is corrupt. That is just my luck too. I mean, he was able to get Photoshop and Illustrator installed - but not InDesign and I might need that on my first day of class. I guess tomorrow I have the joys of contacting the place I bought the software from and seeing if they will send me a new disc. Oh, and I haven't gotten my books yet or my 3 boxes of art supplies that I'm supposed to be getting. As of earlier today, one of my books was in Kentucky and another was in California - even though they came from the same place. Ugh... I think it's time to take a chill pill and go to bed...

Oh, and a quick update on Dakota's appt. yesterday - didn't find out much. Dr. Watson seems kind of puzzled. She didn't notice any major strength issues with Dakota - and wasn't quite sure what all the school was concerned about (though she didn't really do any tests on him - just had him squeeze her fingers and that sort of thing). She said that she would call and talk with Dakota's teacher, gym teacher, occupational therapist, etc... to see if they have any more to add. She is hoping to get that done within the next week.

Going back to school

2011-01-20T18:19:00.003-06:00

Well, it's official - I'm going back to school. I'm enrolled in the Graphic Design program at the Academy of Art University. I'm doing this online - the actual school is in San Francisco. This is going to be expensive. I don't have to pay my loans back until I'm done with school - I just hope I get a really good job! The downfall, is that books and supplies aren't included in the tuition and you have to pay out of pocket for that. I was told that the books and supplies for my first 2 classes would total around $800. I said that there was no way I could do that - and they got an advance on my loan money for me. The check came today so I ordered everything I needed. The supplies include fancy software that costs over a thousand dollars if you bought it anywhere else - the school gets a big discount. I just hope everything comes in time. Classes start Jan. 31st. I'm excited and nervous to get started. I just can't believe all the supplies I need. I will be doing actual art projects by hand - not just the digital stuff like I expected. That's ok - I guess it's better than having to take classes like World History and Geometry.

Nothing too interesting is going on with the kids right now. Dakota's appt. with Dr. Watson was rescheduled because she got snowed in and couldn't make it to work. Now I have to wait til the 25th to see what's going on. We got Dakota's 2nd quarter grade card. There are some areas where he is doing worse. Yesterday, he had a meltdown at school because the teacher was making him do work (the horror!)... I don't know, maybe he really does just get worn out easily. I know that he doesn't usually play the Wii for long periods of time because he gets tired... Speaking of the Wii... there is this fitness thing that you can do and it tests your strength and agility to see what age your body is. It told me that I was 50-something. Jeesh! As if I wasn't already worried about being old to begin with... Atleast I have an excuse... Sadly, Dakota got worse than me. He got 80 I think. Which brings me back to worrying about his strength issues...

2011 Volume 1

2011-01-05T23:32:00.002-06:00

I feel like so much has happened since I last blogged, but I don't remember what. Maybe it just seemed like a lot happened since we were so busy with the hundred or so family get-togethers we went to for Christmas. It sounds crazy, but family get togethers take a lot out of me. I don't ever feel like I belong. And I'm such a loner that it is overwhelming to me to be surrounded by a lot of people. I really don't enjoy having a dozen conversations going on around me. It makes it to where I can't concentrate and I just zone out. I'm not saying that I don't like to be around mine or John's family members. I just don't like being the way I am. After every single get-together, I have a headache that lasts for hours. Once again, this social anxiety stuff just sucks the fun out of every experience. But besides that, we had a good Christmas. John and I were actually able to afford to buy each other Christmas presents this year. We bought a Wii for the family. The kids have been wanting one forever - seems like everyone had one but us. We all like to bowl on it. It's nice that we can actually all do something as a family that we can all enjoy. And it keeps the kids active - they like to play tennis and boxing and stuff like that too. It could potentially be a tool to help you loose weight - the fun way. Unfortunately, I can only play about one game of bowling at a time. Past that, and it bothers my shoulder too much. Sad, isn't it? It's VIRTUAL bowling. I don't even have to carry an actual bowling ball. But the motion of it bothers me. I feel like such an old geezer. I'm hoping that after using the wii every day, my body will get more used to it. We will see. Now, if only the wii didn't start so many arguments between the kids...

Sometime before Christmas, I took Mikayla to the doctor and found out that she had a urinary tract infection and a yeast infection. That wasn't too long after she had her teeth pulled out and the shots in her legs... She was having a very bad week. I felt so bad for her. She cried every time I gave her the Amoxil. She couldn't stand the way it tasted - and it's even bubble-gum flavored so I don't know why it was so horrible to her. She also wasn't a fan of the lotion I had to put on her "down there". One day she finally had enough and said "No more damn lotion!"

The other day, the school nurse called me. She said that the occupational therapist at the school told her that Dakota seems to be having a decrease in strength and endurance in his hands. They work with Dakota every week with his fine motor skills, so he should be getting better - not worse. They are concerned about it and wanted me to make him an appt. with his doctor to see if he needs further testing... And here I thought that things were finally starting to go well for him at school. Anyway, his appt. is on the 17th so maybe we will know more then.

Today was Dakota's appt. with his orthodontist in St. Joe. He will probably end up with braces by summer. She wants to wait for one more tooth to come in - and it should be coming in soon. While we were in St. Joe, we did a little bit of shopping for clothes for the kids. Dakota is already in size 10 jeans and he's only 7... He has grown so much taller here recently, his size 8 jeans are suddenly too short. Watch out grandma, your grandson will be taller than you before he's 10 ha ha ha! Anyway, both kids are currently so picky about their clothes. Dakota want all his shirts to be Star Wars, Wrestling, or all black so he can be a "Sith" (some Star Wars thing...). Mikayla is now refusing to wear jeans. I can't really say too much. If I remember right, I would only wear cloth pants when I was little. But Mikayla is wanting to dress like a diva or something. She wants to wear a dress or skirt all the time. I've had to get her some leggings. And she likes wild looking stuff. We were at Target today and they had some leggings on clearance. They had 3 different kinds in her size - black sparkly ones, pink floral ones, or shiny gold 80's hooker looking ones. Guess which ones she wanted??? I was really mean and told her no. I told her she could pick between the other 2 or not get any. She had a meltdown about not getting the gold ones so we left without getting her any. I'll allow Mikayla to dress funky, but there are just some things that I can't be seen letting her wear. Dakota told me that I was mean and he was gonna call the cops on me, lol... He is so protective over his sister sometimes (unless he is the one being mean to her). Anyway, about that time we found out that John's Auntie Mac had been taken to the hospital in St. Joe, so that's where we headed next. I think they said that only 20% of her heart was working. She looks really weak. Hopefully they can do something to help her. She is in her 90's though, so I don't know if there's a whole lot they can do. I think they have some more testing that have yet to do. I thought it was funny though - she was worried about not having her make-up at the hospital and you could tell she was worried about the way she looked. I'm guessing that if she felt too awful, she wouldn't have been worrying about that - so I guess that's a good sign :)

My dentist appt.

2010-12-21T22:59:00.002-06:00

Today it was my turn for an appointment with the dentist. Mikayla went with me and talked non-stop to the hygienist. At one point, she had the attention of all the hygienists and they were all in the room talking to her. She was showing everyone her dentist Barbie. She is often shy, but not today! Anyway, they took an xray of my teeth and they had a hard time fitting that thing in my mouth. I was told that the inside of my mouth is narrow. I guess that's better than being told that you have a big mouth, huh? Then the girl was putting some weird steaming-cold stuff on my tooth to check for sensitivity and that hurt like crap. They wanted to do that test to make sure my tooth wasn't dying - if it was I wouldn't have felt anything. The dentist checked the teeth next to that one as well, and checked my gums, jaw, etc... He couldn't find a thing wrong with my tooth at all. He told me that I had him 150% perplexed. I paid $80 for nothing...He has referred me to some sort of specialist in St. Joe. That appt. is on the 28th. The weird thing, is that it's not just when I bite down or anything like that. It aches all the time, kinda like it has it's own heartbeat. So anyway, I got home and started doing some research online. I found a link between having Fibromyalgia and tooth pain, since Fibro affects nerves and you have those under your teeth. Many Fibro patients have had root canals because their dentist didn't know what else to do, which is actually something that the dentist today had brought up. But root canals are extra painful for people with Fibro... I read some horror stories and never want to go through that. It sounds like there's not really much I can do though. The pain can come and go, and the Fibro flare-ups are often triggered by stress. I called my Rheumatologist and he said that Fibro can cause tooth pain and I was told to try using Sensodyne toothpaste. If the pain is better by the 28th, I'll just cancel my other dentist appt. If it's not better, I might go ahead and go just to rule out something else...

I have always had canker sores, but they have been really bad lately. I don't think a day has gone by in the past month that I haven't had one. I remember having a bad one on Thanksgiving and remembering that it wasn't fair that it hurt to eat when I had so many family dinners to go to. Anyway, they have gotten worse this past week and especially the past 2 days. I currently have 3, and that combined with the tooth pain is making me miserable. It hurts sooo bad to talk or eat. While I was doing research on the tooth pain, I decided to research canker sores as well. Oddly enough, they are an odd symptom of Fibromyalgia. And again, they can be triggered by stress (and I've had a lot of stress here recently). They can also be caused by anti-inflammatory medications, which I have been taking since I was 11 so no wonder I get them so often. I went to Walmart and found some mouth rinse and some Orajel that's specifically for canker sores. Hopefully between the 2 I can get some relief.

Bad day

2010-12-20T19:45:00.002-06:00

Today was not a great day. I had to take Mikayla down to Kansas City to the pediatric dentist. I have only driven in Kansas City one other time, and I wasn't very comfortable with it. I ended up missing my turn and then the lane I was in was an exit only. Nobody would let me in to the other lane, so I was forced to take the exit. That exit put my on another interstate. So, I took the very first exit hoping to turn around but that put me on another interstate. I was lost and ended up by Worlds of Fun. Thankfully my hubby knows Kansas City well so I was able to call him and he told me how to get back to where I was. So, I finally made it alive and was so relieved. Then, after the dentist looked at Mikayla's teeth, he told me that he would have to pull her 2 front teeth out. I started feeling a little sick to my stomach and light headed. Then, I was on the verge of tears because I felt so guilty. He said that when he first saw her teeth, he thought they could be saved. But then he started using that tool where they scrape teeth, and when he started scraping the areas - soft tissue started coming away and then he could see that it was all the way down to the root. I can't believe she hasn't been complaining about them bothering her (except for 1 time not too long ago when she was eating fruit snacks). He had her breathe in some strawberry smelling stuff that made her a little out of it. He also gave her shots to make her numb. He got the teeth out really quickly, but I couldn't watch. I only heard her say "ow" once. $348 later, we were able to leave. We went to the van and I sat and cried for a minute, then we headed back home. On the way back, she wanted me to stop somewhere and get her something to eat. I was like, "are you sure????". I don't think I would have wanted to eat anything, but maybe I'm just a wuss. Once we got home, she looked at herself in the mirror and she said "I'm not beautiful enough to go to school". I feel soooo bad. But she is acting fine and doesn't act like she's in pain at all. She refuses to take tylenol or anything. She has always been pretty tough. I guess now she can sing "All I want for Christmas is my 2 front teeth" for the next 3 or 4 years...

I have a toothache that started on Saturday, I think. I don't see a cavity so I don't know what's going on. I tried Oragel but it didn't help at all. Last night I was looking online at other things you can do at home to help. I found one thing that said to put a crushed aspirin directly on the tooth and another thing said to put whiskey directly on the tooth so I sent John to the store for both, lol... Unfortunately, neither helped. Have you ever poured the powder from a crushed aspirin in your mouth? It was awful, and I was supposed to leave it there for 20 minutes (which would have been worth it if it helped). After I put the first aspirin in my mouth, I inhaled too much and the powder went to the back of my throat so I had to do it again. The second time I did it right but I had to keep my mouth closed for the entire 20 minutes because I refused to swallow and if I opened my mouth I kept drooling, lol... Yes, I have been told that I'm a dork and I know it... Anyway, I have a dentist appt. tomorrow. They had to squeeze me in so they are probably not gonna have time to do anything tomorrow.

Last week, I found out that Mikayla's shots weren't up-to-date so the nurse had me bring in Mikayla on Thursday. She ended up having 4 shots in her thighs (including a flu shot). I felt so bad for her. The rest of the afternoon/evening, she kept complaining that her one thigh was super-sore but that was to be expected. In the middle of the night she woke up with kind of a high fever and she was bawling because it hurt so badly. She couldn't stand on it without severe pain. I called and talked to a nurse at the hospital and she didn't seem concerned. I know that pain and fever are normal with shots, but I was worried because Mikayla is pretty tough and doesn't cry easily when she gets hurt. During the day on Friday, she still ran a fever and I had to carry her around the first half the day. The last half the day she could walk, but was limping around. Her leg finally started feeling better sometime Saturday. She has gone through a lot lately. I sure hope things calm down around here...

December happenings

2010-12-12T22:37:00.002-06:00

Last week, I took Mikayla to the dentist. Awhile back, I noticed that she had chips out of the front of her teeth (up by the gum-line). I thought they were from when she fell and hit her mouth. I didn't take her to the dentist then, because we didn't have the money, and I didn't think it was that big of a deal because they are baby teeth anyway. Mikayla did wonderful, she was such a big girl. She let the dentist and assistant look at her teeth, take an x-ray, etc... We went to a new dentist - Dr. Vierthaler - and he was great! He seemed super nice and knowledgeable. Unfortunately, he said that the places on Mikayla's front two teeth are actually big cavities. It's weird - I don't think they really look like cavities and I kind of feel like a bad mom for not knowing. But she didn't complain about them bothering her until the day before her appointment. The dentist referred us to a pediatric dentist in Kansas City on December 20th. She will need to have those places filled in, and he said the guy in KC is awesome. They can have her breathe in some gas there so she won't really know what's going on, so that will be good. After the dentist was done with her, he gave her a "prescription" for a free ice cream cone at McDonalds and a box of sugarfree gum. It was so cute, she put them in her little purse that she brought with us. When we got outside, she was all excited and said, "Mommy, they gave me a pink box full of sugar!!" When I explained that it was gum that had NO sugar in it, she decided that Dakota could just have it, lol...

Speaking of Dakota, he has another tooth coming in, but it's pushing against another permanent tooth and it's bothering him. He goes to the orthodontist in St. Joe in January and will probably have braces. The good news is that this is the tooth that they thought might be stuck up in the bone. They were thinking they might have to do oral surgery and attach a chain to the tooth, and attach the chain to braces to help pull it down. That is a big relief, but still... what's up with my kids and their dental problems??? And we don't even have dental insurance

Anyway, we got a big check from John's retirement that he had at Heartland. John is a big fan of some famous financial expert (and millionaire) named Dave Ramsey. Dave says that you need to pay off your current debts, then plan for your future. So, that's what we are doing. We have paid our van off and our 1 credit card!!! That feels really good! With the money that's leftover, and the money we get back from our taxes, we are going to pay off John's car. Then, the plan is to keep our current vehicles until they die. We have never not had a car payment, and I can't wait! This money also came at the right time, with the kids' dental expenses and Christmas. We will be able to give our kids a nice Christmas this year. We adopted a couple of kids off the tree at Walmart and bought a bunch of things for them. We have been helped so much in the past, and it just feels good to help someone else who needs it. On Friday, we took an overnight trip to Kansas City to go Christmas shopping. And yes, we took our kids with us because I couldn't stand to be away from them for a night. We just have to be creative when buying for them. It was weird, for the past week we were planning on going to Omaha. Then, on Thursday I suddenly decided that I wanted to go to Kansas City instead. I'm not sure why. When we were leaving town on Friday, my mom called to tell me that my nephew Conner was at the hospital in Kansas City. I thought that was a strange coincidence. We were planning on seeing him in the hospital, but he is in isolation. I really hope he gets better soon. Ryan, Kayla and Conner have not had very good luck lately.

On Friday evening, we went to the plaza and walked around looking at the plaza lights. It was warm for December, like 50 degrees or something. Then we stayed at a hotel. We weren't very pleased with the hotel room, and we heard the people in the next room having sex. That was...interesting. Saturday, was freeeezing cold. We went to Oak Park Mall in KC. It was packed. I guess that's what we get for waiting til now to do our shopping. I was in the Disney store by myself while John occupied the kids in a play area. I about had a panic attack. There was so many people in there I could hardly move. I kept getting trapped and felt very claustrophobic. Then, I had to wait in line for a million years. By the time I gone done in there, I was sweating and really shaky. Then we went into the Build-a-Bear store, and the kids really wanted to "build" a bear. Since they were being so good, we let them. The cheapest bears were around $12 or so - not that bad... Then Dakota saw a Darth Vader costume that you could buy to dress your bear in. Then, the sales lady showed Dakota a button that you could put in your bear that played the Star Wars theme song. That was just really mean of her... Then we had to let Mikayla pick out an outfit and song for her bear too... I'm just too embarrassed to say what we ended up paying for 2 dang stuffed animals. Never take your child into that store, it's just evil!!! We ended up making it home alive last night. It was snowing and it was so windy - 40 mph wind gusts. It was like driving in a blizzard. I was freaking out the whole way home. John thought I was just paranoid. Men are so much calmer in certain situations... Actually, men just think that they are "professional" drivers...

32 Days til Christmas

2010-11-23T20:09:00.002-06:00

Saturday morning we took Dakota to the lab for his blood work. You would have thought we were trying to kill him. John and I both had to hold him down. He was pretty upset for awhile afterward. He was saying, "She hurt me" and sounded like a sad puppy dog. I felt bad for him. We got the results of the lab and x-ray and everything looked normal. That's just one less thing for us to worry about. The increase in his medicine has helped a lot. He hasn't been having meltdowns the past week, and he has been in a better mood.

John went to a visitation tonight. His friend T.J.'s mom passed away. When John left, Dakota wanted to know where he was going. He had lots of questions - Mikayla did too. Some things are just really hard to explain - and really hard for kids to understand. He wanted to know where T.J.'s mom was right at that moment, and I told him that her body was at the funeral home. Dakota said, "Her body??? What about everything else? Where is her head?!?!?". I couldn't help but laugh. I love the way kids think. But I think he is bothered by the whole death thing. He asked me if he was going to get cancer too. Kids ask the hardest questions. I didn't want to tell him that he never would, but yet I just couldn't tell him that I didn't know. I just told him that it wasn't something that he needed to worry about. That seemed to satisfy him, for the moment anyway.

We already have our Christmas stuff up. I'm sure everyone thinks we're nuts. I was just anxious to get it all up this year, I don't know why. Maybe it's just living in a new place... I didn't have to twist John's arm too hard though, I think he was secretly looking forward to it too. He put lights on our back deck the other day. Our little deck has 500 lights on it, lol... It looks very festive! Unfortunately, since we have the tree up - the kids think that Christmas is any day now. That might not have been the best idea. Oh well, it's just that much longer we get to enjoy the decorations.

Random November stuff

2010-11-15T19:06:00.002-06:00

On Thursday, we had family pictures taken. We went over to Grant City, where the photographer lives. She lives on a farm, so she has some cool places around there to take pictures. I haven't seen our pictures yet, but I've seen a bunch of others that she has taken and she does a great job. We couldn't really afford it, but I really wanted outdoor pictures and I wanted them done before it got too cold. We had them taken on Thursday because it was Veteran's Day and John had the day off work. That was about the only day we could do it, because she was booked on the weekends this month. It turned out to be a pretty cold day. It was supposed to be party sunny and around 60 but instead in was really cloudy and gloomy, and more like 50. We were all freezing - especially Mikayla, so she didn't enjoy posing for pictures like she normally does. But the kids did great. She said that our kids were probably the best kids that she has photographed, which of course made me feel like a proud mom :)

Friday was the day of the Benefit, and I was crazy busy all day. I didn't get a chance to relax at all. Hy-Vee donated the stuff for me to make chili, but I couldn't pick it up until Friday morning. That was kind of a mess. When I went to pick the stuff up, nobody could find it. The guy in charge of getting all that together wasn't there. I probably stood at customer service for 30 minutes. In that time though, Mikayla attracted a lot of attention. She was sitting in a fire-truck cart, so one guy was making fire truck noises at her. One guy told her how pretty she was. One guy gave her candy. And another guy gave her some money. I am sooo not joking. She was just sitting there doing nothing, and attracting all sorts of attention. Why don't men ever shower me with gifts and compliments when I go to the store? So anyway, I finally got all million cans of beans and stuff hauled home and got to work. By the time I got to opening the last can, I broke my can opener. Somehow, with a big knife and a spatula - I got the can pried open. By the time I got everything in the roasters, it was time to go meet John during his lunch break and get something notarized, go to the store for some last minute stuff, go pick up the key and pay for the senior center, go pick up Dakota from school, go back home and load everything up, and then get started setting up for the benefit. The benefit did fairly well, though I completely over-estimated how much food to make. We all had tons of leftovers to take home. But the important part was that we raised $900 for my brother and his family. I must admit that I am really relieved the event is over, but I felt really good about being able to help out. I woke up the next morning feeling like I had gotten hit by a truck. Every muscle in my entire body hurt. I had a headache for 2 days straight. Nothing I did would make it go away. I always get bad headaches after a stressful event, but they never last that long. I've been told that my headaches are related to a brain chemical or something. I never get a headache while I'm stressed, it's after the stress is gone. It's strange...

Anyway, today was Dakota's checkup with Dr. Watson. I told her about Dakota's moods and she upped his dosage of Abilify. She said that Dakota has grown since she last saw him, and when kids grow, their dosages need to be adjusted. Hopefully it will mellow him out so he won't be so angry all the time and have as many meltdowns. I also mentioned to her about Dakota's leg hurting him a lot. It's been going on for months, but I always forget to mention it. I figured it was just growing pains, but wanted to mention it since I was diagnosed with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis at an early age. That makes me a little paranoid - he is taking after me in so many areas. And the fact that it's always the same place that hurts... Anyway, the doctor went ahead and took an xray of his knee this afternoon - I should hear something by tomorrow. On Saturday morning she wants me to take him to the lab to get blood work done. She wants him off his medication before the do the test. That should be fun. He is not brave at all, and has never had his blood taken. I'm afraid he will be hysterical. But even if all this is for nothing, it will at least ease my anxiety about him having arthritis. And since he's been on meds for awhile, it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to get his blood checked anyway.

This week - in the life of Tishia Mackey

2010-11-10T14:54:00.003-06:00

Yesterday, I had a dr. appt. with my Rheumatologist in St. Joe. Mikayla had fun spending the day there together. We went down yesterday morning kind of early and saw tons of dead deer beside the road. I must have seen 10 of them on the way there. My main goal was to go to Borders - I had a $5 coupon because I'm a preferred customer, lol... Not that I go there very much or anything...But anyway, Borders didn't open until 10 so went went over to Target and walked around. We looked at toys so I could get some Christmas ideas. Mikayla basically wants every single girl toy in the store. I'm not joking. She loved everything she saw, so she has a wish list a mile long. And toys are not cheap. One of the things she wants the most is a Dora dollhouse that is $60 or $70. I hope she understands if Santa isn't able to bring that...They had a bunch of Star Wars toys that I know Dakota would love. Anyway, after that we went over to Borders - where I was like a kid in a candy store. Then we went to my appt. The doctor and nurses kept talking about how good Mikayla was being. She just sat there the whole time and wrote in her notebook. Didn't even complain about being bored. I told my doctor about the pain I've been having - I've been having a lot more Fibro pain lately. He said that Fibro pain can be worse than Arthritis pain. Then he told me to come back in 6 months and call if I have any problems. That was it. I've been in almost constant pain lately, and he didn't try upping my dose of Lyrica or anything - I'm on a relatively low dose now. He just said to call if I want to up my dose in the future. Uhhh...that was sort of why I came - to try something, anything... So, my trip to St. Joe was kind of for nothing. It hurts my arms and hands to drive there. But anyway, after that we ate at Wendy's. We also went to Big Lots and then Once Upon a Child (where she kept loudly announcing that she farted). I guess maybe it wasn't such a waste going to St. Joe - we got to spend some quality girl time together and it forced me to get out of the house.

Well, I was denied disability. It wasn't much of a surprise. I'm told most cases are denied the first time and you basically have to get a lawyer and go to court to get it approved. Talking to a lawyer and having to go to court doesn't rank very high on my priority list, so I'm just gonna give up. Time to move on. My dream would be to open a bookstore in Maryville. But, I doubt we'd ever get approved for a business loan - and who knows if it would even go over well in Maryville anyway. Not everyone is as addicted to books as I am. Dream #2 would be taking courses online to get my degree in Graphic Design. The school I'm interested in is the Academy of Art University. It's supposed to be the best Graphic Design school in the country. They have big companies like Nike, Disney, etc... hire their graduates. Of course my dream would be able to work from home. But anyway, the school is really expensive so I need to look into getting grants. I've talked with them, and they need our 2009 taxes. John think that I should wait until we get our 2010 taxes back because he is making less now and we could qualify for more. If I can't get a lot of financial help, I probably just won't be able to go back to school. John and I both still have student loans that are going to take a million years to pay off.

The Benefit Dinner is coming up really quickly, and I am really nervous. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to help out my brother - but crowds of people really aren't my thing. And I'm afraid of things going wrong. I've never put together anything before and I'm just afraid that I'm going to forget about important things. Hy-Vee has donated stuff for me to make chili - but there are still a lot of other things I need to get like stuff to drink, crackers, ice, bowls, napkins, silverware, etc... The senior center won't let us use any of their stuff. Oh well, I will manage. To be continued...

Benefit Dinner

2010-11-02T16:19:00.006-05:00

Christine and I are working on putting together a benefit dinner for Ryan, Kayla, and Conner. It will be Friday, November 12th from 6-8 p.m. at the Senior Center. We don't have a whole lot of time to plan this, but the senior center didn't have many dates available this month, and I didn't want to wait until December. We still don't have all the details worked out yet, but we are working on it. Christine has been filling out forms to see if Walmart or HyVee would be willing to donate food for the dinner. After we find out how much food we are getting and all that, then we will decide who will be making what. I went up to the Daily Forum today to put the benefit in the paper, and they are going to put it in the Daily Forum and Penny Press for free! I've also made up fliers and have been trying to get them hung up at places. I took one to Ryan's work today,
and the lady working in the office that I had to deal with was our old landlord. I had a feeling that would happen. I don't think she was very happy to see me. I was not looking forward to going in there - if that's not sisterly love right there, then I don't know what is! We also have some cool things we are raffling off. Corkey's boyfriend Ted is putting in an authentic autographed Joe Montana football, John is putting in a Jay Turser electric “Paisley” telecaster guitar as well as Computer tune-up and cleaning, Christine is putting in a Scentsy warmer with some scents, and I bought a breast cancer awareness kitchen set to put in. I think I'll see if any businesses in town would be willing to put an item in the raffle. I got some raffle tickets, and John is taking them to work to try to sell some to those not attending the benefit dinner.

A week or so ago, was Dakota's parent/teacher conference. For the most part, things seem to be going ok. He is still behind all the other kids, but he is picking up on stuff this year. I can tell that he is learning. Between Dakota's regular teacher, and his special ed teachers - the main comment was about Dakota being slow to process things and being easily distracted. Not anything we didn't already know. I asked how Dakota interacts with his classmates and his teacher said that he is very quiet (gee, I wonder who he gets that from). She said that it's mostly the girls he plays with. All the little girls in his class just flock to him - his teacher thinks that the girls see that they are trying to protect Dakota, lol... Whenever he gets upset or anything, the girls try to reassure him. And when he answers a question in class and he gets it right - they will pat him on the back and encourage him. It's so cute!

I'm glad Halloween is over with. I don't really look forward to it. I know the kids enjoy it - but going from place to place is Hell for a socially anxious person. We even took the kids trick-or-treating 3 times. Once at Mozingo, once uptown, and then Halloween night. I was so stressed, I was getting horrible headaches. Anyway, Dakota dressed up as Darth Vader (Star Wars is his new obsession), Mikayla was a pink poodle, and John dressed up as Defendor. I guess that's a movie about a mentally handicapped guy who thinks he's a superhero or something. John put shoe polish on his face, and he was pretty strong smelling. Luckily it didn't give him a rash or anything, but it made his face really smooth, lol... Guess they don't call it polish for nothing, ha ha. I just went as myself this year - I think that was scary enough. John told me to tell people that I was going as "the before picture". Thanks dear!

We've moved!

2010-10-12T18:42:00.000-05:00

We finally got out of that house. It was pretty sudden though. I had my sights set on the Fox Cove apartments. We would call, and the guy would tell us that there was nothing currently available but he knew something was coming open, so to give him a call in a week. After a few weeks of this, we called again and he said that there was an apartment ready and that he would show it to us the next day. So, the following day we went and looked at it (Oct. 1st). I loved it. The guy said that it was all ready - and that we could move in that day. He even went ahead and gave us the keys, and said that he would catch us the following week to do the lease and get the deposit and first months rent from us. It was just really sudden. If we didn't say we'd take it that day, then it would have gone to someone else. But we felt bad for the lack of notice that we gave our other landlord. Oh well, I'm just glad to be out of that house. It is so nice to sit in our dining room, and not worry about having a roach fall out of the wooden beam above me. I feel sorry for whoever moves in there next. The roach problem isn't as bad there now as it was when we first moved in, but that's because we had to keep on top of it. Ok, so that was mostly thanks to my husband. We used bug foggers and/or sprayed the house often. Also, I'm happy to be away from the water problem. There is one wall downstairs that shows mold really badly. I'd hate to see what it looks like under the carpet with as many times as it has gotten wet. Oh, and no more worrying about brown recluse spiders living in the bushes in the front yard. I am really in no mood to buy a house anytime soon. The house we had in St. Joe had a lot of problems too. I think I'll just be content renting an apartment for awhile.

Moving is really not fun. We have worked our butts off this past week. Well, apparently I didn't work my butt off enough because it is still just as big and I didn't lose any weight. But anyway, we've been crazy busy. We tried moving by ourselves. We really didn't want to inconvenience anyone by asking for help. But it was a bigger job than we thought it would be. You would think that we would remember how much stuff we have since it hasn't been that long since the last time we moved. It's a good thing this apartment comes with a garage...

The day we got the key for the apartment, I was trying to figure out how to open the dishwasher and I broke the handle. It wouldn't open at all. So yep, that makes 2 dishwashers that I broke in about a weeks time. I had to wash dishes by hand. It was torture. Luckily, the maintenance guys here got it fixed quickly. Now, our van is acting up. It keeps trying to overheat. Whenever I have to stop at a stoplight, it gets really hot. For awhile, it helped if I blasted the heat - which sucked on those 90 degree days. Today, I was stuck at a stoplight and a red light came on the dash saying that the coolant was hot. I turned on the heater but it would only blow out cool air. Then, it started smelling like it was gonna start smoking and I started to panic. So, now I am afraid to drive it. I envision it bursting into flames or something. To my defense, we've had a vehicle spontaneously burst into flames so the idea is not so far-fetched to me. We are broke until John gets paid Friday though, so we can't put it in the shop yet.

September

2010-09-28T16:02:00.002-05:00

I can't believe that September is already almost over. It's been a pretty busy month. John started his new job on the 7th and it's going great. It's definitely a big adjustment for everybody. John was used to only working 4 days a week, so not having Fridays off is something that feels weird. Dakota had a little bit of a hard time at first. Whenever John worked nights, Dakota would sleep in our bed with me. We started that way back when we lived in St. Joe and we would hear gun shots. Having him sleep with me comforted me just as much as it did him, lol... I think it's hard for him to not get to sleep with mommy anymore, but he has adjusted better than I thought he would.

John had been playing his guitar almost nonstop this month (or so it seemed). He was practicing for playing at his sister's wedding (which was the 11th), and the Union Star festival (which was the 25th). I think it was kind of a stressful month, but he did a great job.

I think I possibly had a miscarriage this month. Last month, I forgot to take a pill or 2 but really didn't think much about it. There were so many other things I had my mind on. I eventually just started not feeling right. Then, about a few weeks ago I started feeling sick to my stomach for several days in a row. Guys might want to stop reading right here. Anyway, about the time I thought, "Holy cow, I feel pregnant" - I started bleeding, and it wasn't even time for my period yet. I bled for 8 days and had cramps and blood clots, and then I stopped feeling sick to my stomach. If it was a miscarriage, I'm sure all the meds I'm on played a factor. And I don't think a pregnancy is meant to be for me anyway, I just don't think my body could physically handle it. If I ever did want another baby, it would have to be planned. I would have to stop all my meds and I just don't think I could do that. Besides, I'm happy with the 2 I have - I'm not sure I could handle another, lol... Mikayla clings to me like crazy, she wants to play ALL DAY LONG - she can't occupy herself anymore, and she talks non-stop. I'm sure she seems shy when we go to family get-togethers, but she's definitely not that way at home. Not only does she talk all day long, she asks "why" about everything. I'm starting to wish I put her in preschool this year, lol...

Anyway, I'm sure everyone already knows, but being the proud aunt I am - I just have to mention that my nephew Conner was born on September 20th. He was early - not due until November 8th. He weighed 5 lbs 4 oz. He is still at St. Lukes, but he is doing good. I know my brother is a very proud daddy. He just can't wait until they can all be home together and be a family.

I woke up this morning, and our kitchen floor was all wet. I started the dishwasher last night before we went to bed. The dishwasher is clogged or something - it has water standing in the bottom of it. I think the dishwasher is on it's deathbed. When I start it up, it makes this loud grinding noise - I feel like it's going to take off or something. Then, the entire hour that it's going it's pretty loud. That's why I run it when we go to bed - I can't stand the sound of it. I just love everything about this house (that was sarcastic by the way). This place makes me not want to be a home owner - we can't afford to fix something every month.

Ladies man

2010-09-04T21:04:00.002-05:00

I think I might have a little ladies man on my hands. The other day, Dakota told me that he has 7 girlfriends. I asked him if he was a little young to have girlfriends, and he said no. He said he has 7 girlfriends because he is 7 (and he said this like "duh, mom...don't you know anything?). The next day after school he announced that he got kissed on the hand at recess by 2 different girls. He said he didn't mind, but the girls got in trouble because they're not supposed to be kissing at school. No wonder he hasn't been crying this year when I've taken him to school, lol... Another day last week, I noticed that when he came out of the school he was holding a girl's hand. This girl is one of the girls who kissed him, and she is the girl that he talks most about. She is the identical twin of the girl that was in his class last year that he said he liked.

Anyway, we have been looking for another place to rent. For such a nice house, this place has a lot of problems. Last week during one of the storms we had, the kitchen started leaking water from the ceiling. It must need a new roof. Between that, the bugs, the water issue in the basement, and a bunch of other things - we've had enough. We thought we would find something a little cheaper since John will be making less. We've thought about an apartment for now - it would cost a lot less to heat and cool. We checked out the apartments behind the Super 8, but they are based on income and John will be making too much. And no apartments in this town have any available with the college back in session. I'm just feeling frustrated. I don't think we would be able to buy a house for a couple more years or so.

Today we went to St. Joe and took some things to Once Upon a Child. I love that place. They paid us $35 for a trash bag of clothes. We also bought the kids Halloween costumes for like, $6 each. Mikayla is going to be a cute little pink poodle. The costume is adorable, and it will be warm. Dakota got a Robin costume - the Robin from Teen Titans (he loves that show). The price tag showed that is was an 8/10. Dakota couldn't wait to get home so he could wear it around the house (not a day goes by that he doesn't wear a costume around the house). We got home, and he tried to put it on but it was way too small. The tag on the costume itself said small (which is a 6/7). Dakota was soooo upset. He cried for a long time. I found a used one on ebay for $10 so I went ahead and got it. It's a 12/14 which will probably be big but he will be able to wear clothes under it and roll up the pants if we need to. Too big is better than too small.

I still haven't heard yet on the whole disability issue. A couple of weeks ago, they sent me a ton of paperwork to fill out. I think they asked me every question imaginable, like - what I fix for meals. I'm surprised they didn't wanna know what kind of toilet paper we buy too. I feel like I'm getting worse too. For the past couple of weeks or so, I've been hurting non-stop. I've been having to take over-the-counter meds on top of everything else I take. I've also been running a light fever, and just not feeling good. I don't know if that's connected with the pain - or a separate issue. I'm so scared I'm going to be crippled one of these days. And I hate feeling like I can't do certain things, like wrestling around with the kids. Yesterday, Mikayla asked me if I would wrestle with her. She promised she would be gentle with me. It's sad when your 3 year old says that, though it was cute. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Back to school

2010-08-21T22:27:00.007-05:00

The first day of school went well for Dakota. After meeting his teacher on Monday and seeing his classroom, he got excited about going. When I dropped him off Thursday morning, he walked in all by himself. There were cars lined up down the road with parents walking their kids in, and my son - the kid with anxiety - bravely walked in all by himself. I was so proud! He forgot how to get to his classroom but somebody helped him. After school he said that his teacher was really nice to him - he seems to really like her. I asked him if he played with anyone or talked to anyone and his reply was, "Well, Mrs. Dew talked to me". I asked him if he played with anyone at recess yesterday, and he said that he ran around looking for someone to play with but no one wanted to play with him. I think he is waiting for someone to ask him. He doesn't just join in. I feel bad for him. But I'm glad that school is off to a good start so far.

Thursday night, I tried that new medicine. After I took it, I decided to read up some more on it. I was reading some info on dosage, and it said for non-psychotic anxiety the starting dose is 1 -2 mg. For psychotic disorders, the starting dosage is 2-5 mg. The doc had me starting on 5 mg. I ended up feel awful all day yesterday. I was sick and my body just felt restless. I couldn't just sit still for a long period of time, but I couldn't really do anything either. It's hard to explain. I guess if you've ever had restless legs - like from being in a hospital bed for awhile - it was like that but my whole body felt that way. And I was sick all day. It was the longest day ever, I just couldn't wait for it to be over. Luckily, I slept about 11 hours last night and by this morning I was feeling fine. This one other website I was on was saying that around 4% of people that take this medicine develop something called Tardive Dyskinesia - which is where you have repetitive, involuntary body movements. And it can become permanent - even after you quit taking the medicine. Other people say that the med has contributed to them having Parkinson's. I just kept reading and kept reading until I was freaking myself out. It would have been nice if the dr. would have mentioned some of these risks. I guess I just have this habit of thinking that if a dr. prescribes me something, I don't ask questions and figure it must not be anything too bad. Needless to say, I won't be taking this medicine anymore. And I don't really trust this dr.'s judgment anymore either.

Well, John got the job at the bank! We are really excited about it. It will be weird to have him home at night. I know it will be nice for him to not have to drive to St. Joe everyday. He's taking a bit of a pay cut, and we might look for a cheaper place to rent, but I think things will be good!

It was a hot miserable day today. I guess that's typical for August. Anyway, we went to the Dulin Family Reunion which was outside at the lake. We told the kids we were going to Mozingo and Dakota thought we were going to Tokyo. I think he was a bit disappointed. Tonight, we took the kids to the rodeo. Mikayla wore her cowgirl boots, which are a couple of sizes too big. Dakota got all decked out on his cowboy shirt, cowboy pants, boots, hat, chaps (homemade), and a bandana around his neck. There was no talking him out of it. Even though it was like, a million degrees outside. They seemed to have a really good time. During the middle they had a Calf Scramble - where they put a ribbon on calves and kids run around chasing calves trying to get the ribbon. They had Mikayla's age group first, then Dakota's. Both kids wanted to participate. It was so cute. Every kid who participated was given a free flashlight.

Stuff, stuff, and more stuff

2010-08-18T15:42:00.002-05:00

So, I went to my appt. with the psychologist yesterday. I hate going there. Every time I go, they ask me a series of annoying questions. No, I don't have homicidal thoughts. No, I don't hear voices. I have social anxiety people, I'm not crazy! Anyway, so the dr. wanted to know why I haven't been going to counseling and I told him that it makes me uncomfortable. I don't like to be the center of attention. I don't want someone's focus on me. So he asked if I'd feel more comfortable in group counseling and I told him no. He told me that I'm a hard patient to treat. Then, while he was writing something down and I was staring at my feet, he asked me what I was thinking about, so I told him that I was thinking that I couldn't wait to go home. Then out of the blue, he asked me if I lived on a farm. I told him no, but I wish I did because I don't like neighbors. He told me that it wouldn't be a good idea for me to live on a farm. He says he worries about me growing old and secluding myself, so I said that I like to be secluded. I think he didn't know what else to do so he upped my Lexapro and started me on yet another medication. I was reading up on this med, and it's an an antipsychotic. It's for people with schizophrenia, or people with anxiety who cannot be helped with other medications. There's a huge list of side effects, and I'm kind of afraid to take it. I'm going to wait and start it tomorrow night since John will be home. I don't want to take it tonight in case I feel so drugged up in the morning that I can't drive my son to school. One of the side effects is breast enlargement, woohoo! If I could just get that side effect and none of the others then all will be good :)

I was brushing Mikayla's teeth last night and noticed that she has chips out of her front two teeth. They are up close to the gum line. There was a day last week where she fell and hit her mouth. She cried for a short time and I checked to see if she was bleeding but she wasn't. Later on in the day, she mentioned that it kind of hurt to eat. I assumed her lip was hurting her because it looked slightly swollen, and she never mentioned her mouth bothering her again. So, I'm thinking that it had to have happened that day because that's the only day she has cried about her mouth (though she has fallen down dozens of times in the past week). I just can't believe I wouldn't have noticed the chips before. I just feel awful and I feel like a bad mom :(
And for reasons that I don't quite understand, the insurance company dropped Mikayla so she currently has no health insurance and I can't take her to a dentist to get checked out. We have to wait til open enrollment in November to put her back on.

With any luck (though I'm not sure we have any) - John will get a new job. He has an interview tomorrow for a Computer Tech position at Nodaway Valley Bank - here in town! That would be awesome. He mailed his resume on Saturday, and on Monday before noon they were calling him. They had to have just gotten his resume. So that is a good sign. Also, his grandpa used to be vice president of the bank and his grandma used to work there and knows everybody there. John told his grandma on Sunday about applying at the bank, so she probably called and talked to somebody at the bank on Monday morning, lol... It's always who you know... But anyway, even if they offer him the position, there is a chance that they won't pay enough for John to accept it. John makes really good money at the hospital in St. Joe. I'm sure Maryville won't pay as much, and we can only afford for him to take a little bit of a pay cut (just the amount that he would save on gas). So, we are trying not to get our hopes up.

Summer is coming to an end

2010-08-11T21:07:00.002-05:00

Last week I went and registered Dakota for school. The first day of school is the 19th. I can't believe it's about that time already. I'm going to be sad for him to go back. And I know he is not looking forward to it. We got a paper with a list of all the kids that are going to be in his class. There's only 4 that he knows - and 1 of them is the mean kid that was in his class last year. I don't know what all he did to Dakota, but I remember Dakota being upset last year because this kid would call him Mr. Potato, lol... I don't know where that name came from. But anyway, Dakota is upset that this kid will be in his class again and I'm sure that I'll have a hard time getting him to go the first day (and the second day, and the third...).

On a brighter note, we got approved for reduced lunches for Dakota at his school. The principal had told everyone to apply for it, even if you don't think you will qualify. Well, John makes slightly above the maximum amount - but we went ahead and applied. Now I'm glad we did. I wish we would have applied last year... Anyway, today I applied for disability. I was able to do it online, I think the whole process took about 2 hours, ugh... I had to print off a medical release form and mail it in. Then, I'll probably have to wait for a long time before I hear anything. I've heard that most people that apply don't get approved but I thought, what the heck - won't hurt to try. I have 4 conditions I was able to put on the application. I feel pretty much useless, so hopefully I'll qualify. My brother knows a boy who gets disability for his arthritis, and he uses his money for drugs. People like that make me sick.

Bad night

2010-08-09T20:20:00.002-05:00

I really had one heck of a night last night. And of course, this stuff always happens when John isn't home. Anyway, it started off with Dakota smelling poopy. He's never really stopped doing that. It's not usually a lot at one time, but when it's left on his butt for awhile it leaves one heck of a rash. I suppose I can deal with the poop, he says that sometimes he can't tell when some of it comes out. What bothers me is the fact that he tries to hide it. He just won't tell us. He knows that the longer he leaves it on his butt, the more it's going to hurt and I don't understand why he doesn't want to get cleaned up right away. Anyway, last night I caught a whiff of him and told him to get in the bathroom. He immediately started bawling. I got him undressed and he refused to let me clean him up, which he has been doing a lot lately. I have to drag him down to the floor, put his legs up, and wipe him like a baby. If he would cooperate that would be one thing, but he screams and cries, clenches his butt together, pushes me away with his legs, yells "I don't want you".... His legs are extremely strong. He's getting stronger than I am. It's to the point where I am at a loss, I just don't know what to do anymore. It's almost impossible for me to do that on my own, and the day following our wrestling match I am usually pretty sore. Last night was the worst yet. While I was struggling with him, I looked back and Mikayla was sitting in the doorway of the bathroom, spitting on the floor. I'm thinking, What the heck??? I've never seen her spitting, let alone inside the house. So, I yell at her and she goes out to the other room. I finally make Dakota get in the bath tub. After awhile when everything came off, I had to drain that water, run new water and give him a regular bath. After I washed him up, I went out of the bathroom to get him some pajamas, and noticed the hallway walls. Mikayla had taken a black crayon and colored all over both walls in the hallway. I was just speechless for a minute. I'm glad that she didn't use a marker, and I know that we will be able to get the crayon off with one of those magic erasers. But I just could not believe she would do such a thing. She NEVER acts like that. I put her in time-out while I finished with Dakota. It was her very first time-out and she just sat there and cried. Later on when she was her happy self again, we were in the kitchen and she motioned to all the cabinets around her and said, "Well, atleast I didn't color on these", like that made her sound great or something. But we had a talk and I made it very clear that she was never to do that again or she would be in big trouble.

Last night before bed, I took Unisom. I usually take Tylenol PM but was told that it can make people feel groggy the next day, and was told to try this other stuff. Apparently, I should have first asked a doctor or pharmacist if it was ok to take with all the other meds I take. After it started working, I went to bed and slept like a baby. I even got 7 hours of sleep. But I had trouble getting out of bed this morning. In fact, my sis-in-law Katie had to call me because she was at the house to drop Cami off and the house was locked (I've been babysitting Cami this summer). So anyway, I just felt extremely exhausted the entire day and just couldn't seem to get it out of my system. Every muscle in my body was very weak. I couldn't even do anything but sit there like a zombie all day...I just felt drugged and useless. Now that it's night, I am feeling better - just in time for bed of course. I don't believe I will be taking that again.

Last week we called the dr. office about the results of Mikayla's urine sample. It came back normal so I don't know why she was saying that it hurt when she peed, but she seems to be doing better. She even now has a way that she can sit on the potty by herself and go pee without it coming up and out of the toilet. I think we will hold off on the urologist for awhile since she has been able to adapt well. Maybe this will be something she will grow out of.

Mikayla

2010-07-31T16:28:00.002-05:00

Well, I took Mikayla to the dr. on Monday and the dr. didn't see anything wrong. She asked if Mikayla has had any infections, like a UTI and I said no. She didn't know why her urine would come out that way, so she said she would get us an appt. with a Pediatric Urologist in KC. Mikayla did wonderful by the way, she let the doctor look at her down there without freaking out. Anyway, the very next day Mikayla said that sometimes it hurts when she goes pee, and she said that it hurts when I wipe her down there with those flushable wipes. I called and left a message with the nurse about that, and on Thursday they had us come in to do a urine analysis. They were going to send it to the lab and have a culture done - I don't know how long that's supposed to take. I was hoping to hear something back yesterday but I didn't.

Mikayla is now calling us mom and dad instead of mommy and daddy. I don't want to be a mom yet, I still want to be a mommy. Dakota still calls me mommy. I don't know whats up with Mikayla, sometimes she acts like she's 12 instead of 3. One day after I was waking John up for work, Mikayla asked me if "John" was out of bed yet.

Katie's wedding is 6 weeks away. Next Sunday, I have to go to David's Bridal in KC and be fitted for my bridesmaid dress. I have to admit that I'm really nervous about being in the wedding. I got my shoes last weekend, and they have maybe a 1 inch heel on them. I was practicing walking around the house in them. Or maybe I should say that I was wobbling around the house in them. We went to a wedding not too long ago, and these pre-teen girls that were in the wedding were wearing heels twice the size of mine and they walked normally. I think somewhere in my development, I missed getting a feminine gene that I was supposed to get. I mean, I would rather wear mens t-shirts and I think my husband owns more shoes than I do. I missed the shoe-fetish gene that women are supposed to have. I hate spending time on myself, like doing my hair and makeup. Speaking of makeup, Karis Heflin - the lady doing our makeup for Katie's wedding - did our makeup last weekend to see what colors she was going to use the day of the wedding. I got home and my husband laughed at me. I guess it's a good thing that I'm married to a guy who hates makeup since I don't like wearing it all that much.

Parenting is stressful

2010-07-25T20:45:00.003-05:00

Last week, we had the kids go through their toys and get rid of the ones they don't play with anymore. They just have too many toys, and not enough room. So, we said that if they got rid of a bunch, they could buy something new - that made them more motivated to get rid of stuff. John took the toys to Once Upon a Child, and the kids made $50! Mikayla decided to buy some little dora figures that we found on ebay for pretty cheap. Dakota, of course, bought 2 more Ultraman monsters from Japan. They were $10 each, and they only charged me $10 shipping - which I think is really good for overseas. He's not quite so patient about waiting for the package to come though. And it's funny, he won't let us get rid of the boxes that these figures are shipped it since they have Japanese writing on them. He keeps pretending that he gets a package from Japan. Sometimes I am forced to pretend that I'm the delivery person, and I have to deliver the "package" to Dakota. As some of you already know, Dakota has decided to change his name to Ultra Seven since he is 7 years old. Yesterday, when we were running errands, a little boy asked Dakota what his name was. He replied, "Dakota. Actually my name is really Ultra Seven, but today I'm going by Dakota". Kids...

Sometime this past week, Dakota started getting a bad cough. He was getting bad headaches too - one time he said that if felt like somebody was trying to kill his brain. On Friday morning while he was still asleep I noticed that his breathing sounded awful. He was also coughing in his sleep and it was like a barking sound. I woke him up and took his temp - it wasn't very high though. I also noticed that the center of his chest was sort of caving in whenever he took a breath, and it sounded like he was having a little trouble breathing. He started crying and saying that he hurt, I almost took him to the ER. Once we got him up and calmed down, he sounded a little better - but he just laid around, wouldn't eat, and was pale. I got him an appointment at 2:00 that day (thank you Christine). The doctor said that Dakota had Croup - that was actually a relief. I was afraid he had pneumonia. He prescribed some medicine, and by that evening Dakota was already sounding a little better. He still has a bit of a cough and his voice is cute and raspy, but he's back to his old self again.

Tomorrow, Mikayla has a dr. appt. Mikayla seems to be having the same problem that Dakota had - her pee comes out at an odd angle. I think it's worse than Dakota's though. Instead of going straight down, it kinda shoots out - as in out of the toilet. We didn't notice it at first when she started potty training because she would go pee every 20 minutes and she would only have a tiny bit come out. Now that she waits until she actually has to go - and there's more power behind it - it shoots up. We have to hold onto her, and she has to straddle the seat and lean forward as far as she can so John and I don't get peed on. It's worse whenever she has to pee really badly. It would really suck for her to have to have surgery there. I'm hoping there's some other way, but I don't see what...

Nodaway County Fair

2010-07-17T16:24:00.011-05:00

Thursday was the Lil Miss Nodaway County contest that we put Mikayla in. We found her a pretty dress on the clearance rack at JCPenney's for $6. As soon as she woke up that morning, she asked me if it was time for the contest yet. She was so excited about it. We had to go early to register. By the time we waited around for it to start, and then waited in line for her turn to go up - it was probably an hour and a half. By that time, she had enough. She was hot and hungry and thirsty, and she just wanted to go home. A little before it was her turn to go up, she started crying and saying she wanted a popsicle. I got her to stop crying by the time she had to walk up, but she was not a happy camper. I had to take her up there in front of everyone. She refused to look or talk to the guy asking questions. It was soooo not an enjoyable experience. Then after her turn, we had to wait behind the stage for a half hour before everyone was done and they announced the winner. John said that out of all the girls, there were only 3 who were talkative and outgoing - and they were the 3 that won. I don't think that Mikayla will ever be that outgoing, and I'm never entering her in that contest again. Well, unless she begs but I doubt she will want to do it again. By the time it was over, my social anxiety was at it's max and I was dying to get out of there. Even after we got home, it took me a long time to relax. And I had a bad headache. Every time I get done with a stressful situation, I immediately get a headache. I don't usually get it while I'm stressed, it's usually after the stress goes away. It's weird. Anyway, John's mom told me that while they were watching, Dakota said that Mikayla was the prettiest girl up there. Awwww..... he can be such a sweet brother to her.

Unfortunately, last night we had to take the kids back up to the fair so they could ride rides. Luckily, John's parents bought all the grandkids tickets. We couldn't really afford it - they are so expensive. Dakota usually only rides the little kid rides - like the boats and motor cycles. Well, he saw his 4 year old cousin ride the swings - which is a ride that actually goes fast and takes you up in the air a little - and he decided to be brave and try it. I was so surprised - I mean, this is the kid who is scared of a fly. The look on his face at first was hysterical, I couldn't stop laughing. He looked freaked out at first, but then he started liking it. Afterward, he wanted to ride it over and over again. We couldn't get him to ride any other ride. So, John stayed with Dakota so he could use the rest of his tickets on the swings. I took Mikayla and my niece Cami over to the little kid rides. It was so hot/miserable/crowded. Ugh, I hate the fair. But the kids had a blast and I guess that's what matters. Now, they are begging me to go up to the fair again tonight. I don't know how they know it's open tonight too. I sure didn't tell them. We are out of money anyway. I guess I will be mean mom for the rest of the evening.

New blog look

2010-07-13T23:18:00.003-05:00

I've finally changed the look of my blog. It took me a long time to figure out how to customize it using HTML, but I got it figured out. Maybe I should have taken computer programming. I also customized my design blog - I think I like that one better. Check it out HERE. Hmmm...maybe I could start making money by designing blogs. I saw that someone else was charging $40 to customize a blog. I'm not doing too bad selling my scrapkits though - today I made $32 so I'm excited.

I think we're going to put Mikayla in the Little Mr. and Mrs. Nodaway County contest. It's for kids that are ages 3-5. She thinks it sounds like fun, and is excited to wear a pretty dress. We looked at her dresses in her closet though and the 1 really nice hand-me-down dress that she has was so itchy she couldn't stand it. All her other dresses are casual so I guess maybe we will look at JCPenney's. That's the only place in this town to find anything nice - watch all the little girls be wearing the same dress... Anyway, the contest is held on the main stage on Thursday at 6:30. Each child will be asked several questions while on stage. I told Mikayla this but she still wants to do it, which surprises me. The winners get to ride in the parade on Saturday.

Birthday party

2010-07-11T21:42:00.019-05:00

Yesterday was Dakota's birthday party with my family. We spent over $100 on food and supplies, and only my parents and brothers (and their girlfriends) showed up. We bought stuff for cowboy goody bags, but there weren't any kids. Some of the adults put on a fake mustache to humor Dakota. Between us and my parents, Dakota ended up with a good little collection of Ultraman monsters so he was happy. It's what he wanted more than anything, so that's what we got him. Unfortunately, we had to get them from Japan. He's obsessed with japanese toys and thinks that Japan is the coolest. He wants to go there so badly, but I don't think he understands just how far away it is... He ended the party by reviewing his new toys for everyone (like he watches people do on youtube videos).

On Friday we went to the fair in Hopkins. We got away with only buying 10 tickets for the kids to split, and letting the kids both play a couple of games. Luckily, they are fairly easy to please. We went early to avoid the crowd. You know me, avoiding crowds is my hobby. Anyway, here are some pictures from the weekend:

I have a 7 year old

2010-07-08T15:01:00.003-05:00

I would consider Mikayla officially potty trained now. She even poops in the potty and hasn't had any accidents at all. She won't even use her potty chair - she wants to sit on the big potty, which is great! I don't have to clean out the potty chair 30 times a day. She still likes to try to go all the time. And when we go to the store she likes to go potty there. She still wants to wear pull-ups though. She's scared to wear panties for some reason.

Yesterday was Dakota's birthday. He turned 7 on 7-7 which is kinda cool. It's hard to believe I have a child that old. We had a birthday party for him with John's family last weekend and we are having one with my family this weekend. Dakota wants his grandma to bring cowboy beans (no pressure). And Dakota has a tooth coming in!! You can see it when you look up in that hole. I'm not sure that it's the one they are most concerned about - I think it's the one beside it. But it's hard to tell because it kind of looks like it's in the middle - which is bad and means he doesn't have enough room for both teeth to come in. But I'm glad that he'll atleast have another tooth in front, hopefully it will be all the way in by the time school starts. I know how kids can be mean. The poor guy kinda looks like a jack-o-lantern.

The joys of potty training

2010-07-01T23:05:00.002-05:00

As you know, Mikayla went potty on Sunday night. Then on Monday - nothing. On Tuesday, still nothing so I put a pair of panties on her in hopes she wouldn't pee in them. I had to use the dust buster to clean up a mess, and as soon as I turned it off she told me that she peed on the floor. In her defense, I probably scared the piss out of her because she is afraid of loud noises. Yesterday we tried bribery again (I know, I know, bad parents). I told her that we would buy her this little Kai-lan toy that she has been really wanting. She got all excited at that idea, and went and peed in her potty. On the way to Walmart, I told her that she had to promise me that she would start using her potty all the time and she said she would. Be careful what you wish for. I think she has used her potty 20 times today alone. Each time, she pees just a little bit and then I have to clean it out and it seems like 20 minutes later she does it again. Every time she takes a drink, she is sure she needs to pee so she runs to her potty. Half the time she yells that she can't get the pee to come out. We tell her to pull her pants up and try again later but she gets really stubborn. She'll sit there and try and try and try. I've tried explaining to her that it takes a little while for the pee to come out after drinking something but I don't think she understands. But really, it's great. She hasn't had an accident in the past 30 hours. She woke up this morning dry. She came in our room and woke me up, and then she went potty. I really didn't think we would get her potty trained this quickly once we really started working with her. Now it seems like she thinks its fun to go in the potty. Maybe after the newness wears off, she will only go a normal amount of times a day.

I had to take Dakota to St. Joe yesterday for a follow-up appt. with the oral surgeon. It went really quick, we were in and out of there in probably 20 minutes. He said that everything looks fine. He is concerned about 2 teeth being interlocked. He said that he would call and talk to Dakota's orthodontist. If his front tooth don't come in on it's own, they will probably put some braces on him, and attach a chain up in his gums to that tooth, and also attach the chain to the braces to pull the tooth down. I think I remember the orthodontist mentioning that as a possibility. I'm just hoping we don't have to resort to that. Anyway, after we left there we went to Borders - my favorite store on the planet. I spent half my birthday money on books. I know, I'm such a nerd. The other half of my money will probably go on bills. Oh well, I feel lucky that I got to spend some money on myself at all.

End of June stuff

2010-06-28T17:38:00.008-05:00

We've had a crazy busy weekend. On Thursday, we had supper at John's grandma's house to celebrate the June birthdays. On Friday evening the Summa family reunion started and lasted all day Saturday too. It was held at John's parent's house which is luckily right up the street. It was hot and miserable outside but atleast it wasn't raining. Mikayla had a blast, of course she is more outgoing than Dakota. There was a big bouncy house, a swimming pool, water guns, etc... Dakota would play and have fun for awhile, then stay to himself, then play a little more... Half the time he was having fun and half the time he was asking to go home. The weekend was a little tough for me, with my social anxiety. As John put it, it was like a social anxiety boot camp. Unfortunately, I'm not cured. On Friday night John drank way too much and possibly had alcohol poisoning. I will never understand why people do things like that to themselves. It sure didn't look any fun to me. Anyway, then on Sunday morning the whole family had brunch at John's grandma's house. It was definitely a hectic weekend.

Dakota is doing pretty good. His mouth still hurts but that's to be expected. It looks like he has a bunch of food stuck up in that big hole in his mouth. We've had him swish water around in his mouth to get it out but it didn't work. I called the oral surgeon's office today and talked to a nurse. He has a follow-up appt. on Wednesday, but I wanted to call and make sure that the food up there wasn't going to cause a big problem - like causing it to get infected or something. She didn't seem worried about it. I probably sounded like a paranoid mother. Oh well.

Mikayla finally went pee in her potty last night! I was so proud of her. Ok, so I had to use bribery to get her to do it, but still... She kept saying that she was so proud of herself. It was really cute. She has tried to go several times today, but no luck. We are getting there though. I just hope she doesn't expect a prize every time she goes pee in the potty... And she is turning into quite the diva. She walks around the house in sunglasses and my dress shoes saying, "I'm fashionable". She likes to have "concerts" and sings into a toy microphone. She likes to make up her own songs. I think her most memorable one would be, "Hannah Montana poops in the potty water".

It's been awhile since I've posted any pictures on here. Here are some recent ones:

Dakota's surgery

2010-06-22T17:45:00.002-05:00

I had to have Dakota at the hospital in St. Joe by 7:45 this morning. Luckily, John's mom had the day off so she came and stayed with Mikayla. We actually got to the hospital on time - seems like I run late to everything. John was able to clock out of work early and come sit with me at the surgery center. The morning went pretty quick. I think the longest part was just waiting to get Dakota admitted. The oral surgeon had 2 cancellations this morning before Dakota, so once we got him admitted they took us back to the pre-op room and they were ready for him right away. Dakota was very brave and didn't cry at all. John and I went back out to the waiting room and about a half hour later someone came out and told us they were done and that Dakota was doing fine. Then the oral surgeon came and talked to us. He said that Dakota's front adult tooth is very high up in the bone - higher than what the x-ray showed. It is also overlapping Dakota's adult tooth that is already in. There's not enough room in his mouth and he will probably have to have another procedure done in the future to make some room. They sewed the gumline up higher and kept it open to expose that tooth that's way up there. The baby tooth beside that one was taken out too so Dakota has a big hole there and it actually looks kind of nasty. If you look up in that hole, you can see a little bit of bone or tooth. The tooth on the other side of the adult tooth is gone too so Dakota sounds so cute when he talks. But anyway, back to the hospital. After we talked to the doctor, we had to wait in the waiting room for awhile longer. They had given Dakota morphine and it was taking them a little while to wake him up. He is hard enough to wake up anyway, let alone having anesthesia and morphine. They took us back there soon after they got him awake. The poor guy was kind of out of it, and was chewing on a wet washcloth. He was startled when he noticed it was all bloody. Then, when he noticed the IV in his hand, he had a bit of a meltdown. The nurse was really nice, and patient with him. She took out the IV and then had us sign some papers and we were out of there by 10:00 this morning. On the way home Dakota just kept saying that he wished that his teeth weren't pulled and he kept complaining that he was sounding funny when he talked. I thought it was really cute. For a little bit after we got home, he was a little dizzy but that didn't last long. He's been going strong ever since. He hasn't been laying around sleeping all day like I figured he would - he's been playing like normal. He has complained of some pain but I've just been giving him tylenol and ibuprofen and he's been fine. He even ate a couple of hot dogs and pudding and jello. It doesn't seem to have affected his appetite or energy level. I asked him what he remembered when he went back to the operating room and he said that they put a big mask over his face and that was kind of scary. He also said that they tried putting stickers on his chest but he started freaking out so they stopped. Anyway, now he's just excited about the tooth fairy coming tonight and paying him for 3 teeth!

My birthday came and went yesterday. I've reached the old age of 29. I'm bummed about this being my last year in my 20's. I don't know if I've talked about this on my blog before, but I'll tell ya why turning 30 bothers me. A long time ago, I read somewhere that around the time you hit 30, your body slowly starts the dying process. That's why your hair usually starts losing pigment in your 30's, you start getting fine lines, etc... I can't remember what else was said but this has bothered me for years. I know, I know - I worry about the silliest things. I can't help it. I think that maybe once I turn 30, it won't be so bad. Sometimes the anticipation to something is worse than the actual event.

So sick of rain

2010-06-16T14:26:00.000-05:00

With all the constant rain, our basement is so wet. And it stinks. Even the upstairs stinks. It smelled like someone was cooking brussels sprouts or something. It was awful. We shut the air conditioner off, opened the windows, and lit a candle. It smells tons better but no breeze goes through our house so it’s really hot. Sometimes I really hate this house. We thought about maybe buying a house but I was doing some research, and it sounds like people who’ve had a foreclosure usually can’t get a home loan for 3 years afterward.

It doesn’t look like we are going to find any decent place to rent in this town either that we can afford. Rent is so expensive – I think we got a good deal on the house we have now (now we know why). I don’t think I’ve mentioned this on my blog, but one of John’s friends has been staying with us – he lives in the basement. We’ve figured out that the basement light has to be kept on in order for the sump pump to work. A couple of nights ago, he didn’t know it was raining and shut the light off when he went to bed. He woke up to an inch of standing water down there. The carpets have got to be molding. Yes, we’ve told our landlord about the basement getting wet and she acted surprised. Her solution was to buy us a shop vac. John was telling our neighbor (the nice one) about our basement and he told John that the basement here has always gotten water in it.

.. ..

On a brighter note, I haven’t seen any bugs in the past week. John was reading up on roaches and apparently they come in cycles – about every 2 months or something like that. So, that explains why once we think we have the problem taken care of – they come back. John was researching insecticides and found one that is supposed to be really good. He found the mix on ebay for a really good price and then he bought one of those bug sprayer pump things at Sutherlands for $10. He sprayed the inside and outside of our house. John could be like, an independent exterminator now.

.. ..

My brother watched my kids for awhile today so John could go to my dr. appointment with me. He got to see how weird this guy is. He talked for 30 minutes straight about how I need to change my way of thinking. He just kept repeating himself and acted like it was so easy to do and yada yada yada. If I just keep thinking positive about everything then everything will be great. If it were so easy, then he wouldn’t have any patients. If it weren’t for needing the lexapro, then I wouldn’t go back. It cost me a $40 copay to see him since he is a specialist. Oh, and the hospital called me today to make sure they have all of Dakota’s info correct before his oral surgery next week. On that day, I will need to pay them $150. That is on top of the $200 I had to pay the oral surgeon in advance. But I should be positive about having to spend all this money, right? Then everything will be great…

.. ..

Last Saturday night, the kids and I had a little party (kind of) for John. He had to do the mail route on Friday afternoon for his friend because he was sick. Then he had to do it Saturday morning and afternoon because that was his normal day to do it anyway. And then of course, he had to go back to work Sunday night. He didn’t have any days off work so I wanted to do something special for him. I cooked him enchiladas because that’s his favorite (and when I cook then you know it’s a special occasion). I also bought him some beer. I told the kids that it would be a surprise so they got it in their minds that we were having a surprise party and they thought we should have cake. I saw a chocolate bundt cake at Walmart so I got that. It looked kinda like the one my mom makes so I thought it would be really good. I was wrong. When the kids don’t even eat their piece of cake, then you know something’s wrong. My mom’s cake is 10 times better and I’m not even trying to suck up (though, if you do ever want to make one in the near future mom, that would be fine with me). So anyway, the rest of John’s “party” consisted of us reading. We are some exciting people, let me tell ya. Yes – I even got my husband addicted to reading – the guy who wouldn’t do his homework or read any of the books he was supposed to in school. He’s read more in the past 6 months that he probably has all his life. I’m THAT good.

Oral surgery

2010-06-11T19:43:00.003-05:00

Today we went to St. Joe for Dakota's appointment with the oral surgeon. It was crazy busy in there, and we were there for 1 1/2 hours. The dentist was extremely nice though, I was very pleased. He was really good with Dakota. His surgery is scheduled for June 22nd, and he is going to do it at the hospital instead of the office. This alarmed me a bit. I guess if it was some in-office procedure then it seemed more minor to me. But he wants to do it at the hospital because of Dakota's age and anxiety, they will have more options with anesthesia there. He will remove 3 baby teeth, and in the front he will make an incision in his gums to expose the adult tooth. This will hopefully help that tooth come in. You know me, I get paranoid about these sort of things so I'm a little stressed by it all. I'm also a little stressed money-wise. I had to pay $54 today because our insurance doesn't cover the consultation and we'll have to pay $200 before the surgery. Anyway, I think that's about it. I think this is the shortest blog I've written in a while.

Feeling frustrated

2010-06-09T20:22:00.003-05:00

I've kind of had a crappy past 24 hours (well, make that 22 hours). Ya'll know how scared of bugs I am, right? Well, our house has had a roach problem ever since we've moved in. Every time we think we've gotten rid of them, they come back. It had been a little while since I'd seen one, so I knew it was only a matter of time. I mean it HAS been a month and a half since we've used bug foggers in the house. Wouldn't want to keep them away for a whole 2 months. Anyway, last night (after John went to work of course), Mikayla noticed a roach crawling on the ceiling of the dining room. We have these wooden beams on the ceiling that the roaches seem to like. The roach would crawl from one beam to the other, then hide, then come back out. It's possible that it wasn't the same roach, who knows. So, I was sitting at my computer with a can of bug spray watching it like a hawk. It fell from the ceiling and started crawling across the floor, so I drowned it with bug spray. Of course, I couldn't pick it up, and the kids wouldn't even go into the dining room at all with a dead bug on the floor. I was still feeling freaked out, when a few minutes later a roach fell from the ceiling in the kitchen. I think it came from the light fixture but I'm not sure. I drowned that one too but it landed on it's back so it didn't try running from me at 60 mph like the other one did. I was majorly freaking and just knew it was going to start raining roaches. I packed a suitcase for me and the kids and went to the super 8. By this time, it was probably midnight. It took awhile for the kids to wind down, and I had to take a shower cuz I felt gross so it was pretty late when we all got to sleep. This morning we had to get up early, get checked out and get to Dakota's dr. appt. John ended up having a mandatory meeting at work so he got to town late and wasn't able to go with me. We were at the dr. for an hour. She wants me to fill out some long questionnaire on Asperger's to see if that's what Dakota has. I'm supposed to drop it off soon and she'll look it over and give me a call. So anyway, after that we met John at the house. He bought some roach spray and bug foggers. He sprayed the beams and set off the foggers, then we went to my parent's house for the day. Him and the kids slept most of the time and I tried filling out that paperwork. Dakota started crying when we left my parent's house - I think maybe he was afraid to come home. Anyway, now we're back home and it's starting to get dark out so I'm freaking out a little. If I had it my way we would have moved out of the house today.... I was unpacking the suitcase and a bottle of chocolate syrup that I had in there burst open and got on a lot of stuff so I had to clean all that up. I'm sure you're wondering why I had chocolate syrup in my suitcase... I took milk and chocolate syrup to the hotel last night so the kids would have something to drink. This morning, the milk was gone but the syrup wasn't so I just put it in the suitcase. Well, I guess it wasn't a good idea to leave the suitcase in the van all day with it being so hot out. I've learned my lesson on that. So anyway, I've had a long stressful several hours and I'm feeling like I'm gonna have a breakdown or something. You shouldn't have to be scared to sleep in your own home. And maybe these pesticide fumes are getting to me...

A couple of nights ago, our house just suddenly started smelling like skunk. Like, it was so strong my nose was almost burning. I went to bed still smelling it. When John got home the next morning, he said that he didn't smell anything outside - but when he came in the house he could smell it. So, he thinks that a skunk sprayed our air conditioning unit or something. Why do I feel like I'm being punished???

Random June stuff

2010-06-08T01:37:00.002-05:00

Last Thursday I had to drive to St. Joe to my rheumatologist appt. Every time I drive out of town, my mind starts wandering to Alysia's wreck. It's been almost a year now, I don't know when driving out of town will quit bothering me. It's not good to be envisioning a wreck while you're driving.... But anyway, my appt. went good. All my joints look okay, and 3/4 of my pain is under control by my meds so I don't have to go back for 6 months. It was kind of weird having a medical student in the room while Dr. Bronson was looking at me. Good thing I didn't have to take my clothes off. This guy was my age, maybe even younger for all I know. I'm just not used to young doctors I guess so it was kind of weird having him feel my hands and all, but maybe I'm just weird. The doctor went ahead and ordered some blood work since I'm on so many meds. My veins are about impossible to find so the nurse had to use those noticeable veins on the underside of my wrist. She told me that she could hit the vein on the first time if she did it there, but it might take more than one try in the bend of my arm. I voted on hitting the vein the first time. It was a little more painful there, I think. And I have a pretty bruise to show for it. The next day the nurse called me with the results and everything looked normal, except for my potassium level being low. I'm just supposed to eat a banana every day or something. I guess my breakfast of champions just isn't champion enough.

We had a garage sale on Friday afternoon. I will just say that it was not worth the lousy $40 I made to sit in 97 degree humidity all day, a sunburn, a sore body, and a killer headache (not to mention marking everything, setting up, and taking down). Don't get me wrong, it was a good sale - a couple of others sold over $100 worth of stuff. By the end of the garage sale I had the worst headache ever. I felt like there was heat inside my head, like my brain was frying or something.

Anyway, with my birthday quickly approaching I though I would make a Top 10 list - David Letterman style.

The top 10 signs that you're getting old:

10. When the usefulness of a minivan outweighs driving something cool
9. you consider buying some of the lotions out there that are supposed to slow down the signs
of aging
8. you ask your little brother what is "hip" now days and he tells you that people don't use
that word anymore
7. your idea of a good time is staying home and reading
6. you tell your kids that you graduated high school in the 1900's
5. you need to use a pill organizer
4. you've never even heard of most popular bands these days
3. you start wondering if you could possibly be getting Alzheimer’s
2. you predict that your next surgery will be a joint replacement

and the #1 sign that you are getting old... (drum roll please)...

1. your grandma asks you for your advice on arthritis

Orthodontist appt.

2010-06-02T17:33:00.002-05:00

We went to St. Joe today for Dakota's orthodontist appt. With Dakota's 2 front teeth on top, one is still a tiny baby tooth while the other is a huge adult tooth. Usually these teeth fall out around the same time but Dakota's adult tooth is all the way grown in now and his baby tooth isn't even wiggly yet. So, the orthodontist took an x-ray, and it looks like Dakota's adult tooth (where the baby tooth is) is pretty high in the gums. There are actually 3 teeth this way on the top (the others are more towards the sides). Anyway, the orthodontist is having us see an oral surgeon because she thinks we need to have those baby teeth pulled to see if that will help the adult teeth come in. The one in front seems to be what concerns her the most. She said that on occasion, an adult tooth can just be stuck into the bone up there and never come down. Boys can't have a replacement tooth put in until they are 20 because it takes that long for their mouths to quit growing (and the teeth cost like, $4000 to have done so you only want to have to do it one time). I know that this isn't the most likely scenario, but I always worry about the worst scenario and I am picturing him going to high school and college lookin' like a hillbilly without a front tooth... Anyway, I got an appt. made with the oral surgeon for next Friday. And I have to go back to St. Joe tomorrow because it's time for my appt. with my rheumatologist. I do want to say though, that Dr. Boice - the orthodontist in St. Joe - is super nice and her office is really kid friendly. I would definitely recommend her.

I received a letter from Nodaway Valley Bank today letting me know that they don't currently have any positions open, but that they will keep my application for a year. That's pretty much what I expected. I looked online but the college and hospital don't really have any jobs either. I doubt I'll ever get on with the hospital anyway because the last interview I had, they lady that does the hiring asked me something about their motto (which is religious) and I pretty much stumbled over that one. I wasn't expecting it and I didn't know how to answer. I'm sure it was obvious that I wasn't religious and I'm sure she is. I haven't gotten an interview since. Oh well, enough about that. I was thinking that I should be a book editor. I was reading a book the other day and couldn't believe the amount of mistakes in it. Of course, the job would suck if you had to edit a really boring book, or a textbook...

The other day John went out back to mow the yard. Our mower is on our back porch. Anyway, John saw a beehive back there - and John is terrified of bees (probably because he is allergic). He started spraying the hive with bug spray, and a bat flew out. Needless to say, the yard didn't get mowed that day. He mowed the next day though - I was watching out the window and was laughing at how scared he looked to get the mower off the porch. I'm so mean. Not that I can say anything though, I'm not gonna go back there ever again. Forget mowing, I would have hired someone to come do it. I wonder how long a bat has been living on our porch with out us knowing. The bat was probably attracted to my nocturnal habits, or my vampire - pale skin. Or maybe I read too many vampire books...

Job hunt

2010-05-26T18:13:00.003-05:00

This is the last week of school for the summer. I know that Dakota will looove not having to go to school. My brother's girlfriend Jami will be out of school as well which means that I won't be needing to watch Adrian every day. I don't think we can afford for me to not be making any money (besides the digital scrapkits I sell online), so I'm now looking for a job. I got an application from Nodaway Valley Bank and took it back today. I was having John help me word some stuff because he is better at that than I am. He's just really good at B.S. There was a part on the application about my past jobs and what I liked or disliked about them. John wouldn't let me put that I hated having to work with customers at Coach House or complain about the cum stains on the beds at the Comfort Inn. He is just no fun. When I took the application back, I gave it to the lady that I think is the head teller. Instead of asking me if I had any banking experience, she asked me if I was related to anyone that worked at the bank and she wanted to know which Mackey boy I was married to. The saying, "It's not what you know, it's who you know" is so true. Luckily, she knows John's mom and John's moms' cousin works at the bank. John's grandma used to work there and John's grandpa used to be Vice President (I think). So, I know people. That might get me an interview. But it's the interview part where I shoot myself in the foot. I can fake my "comfort level". But with having social anxiety, I can't fake being a perky people person. Trust me, I try when I need to but when I talk to someone for a long time (like during an interview), I'm guessing they can see through it all. That, and my mind just goes blank a lot. I was really nervous just to walk in to get the application and to return it. I might hyperventilate if they actually call me for an interview. Under "job applying for" I should have said to put me in a corner somewhere and give me lots of paperwork to do.

Today was the Kindergarten picnic at the park. Parents were invited to come so John, Mikayla, and I went. At the beginning, we all sat under shade trees eating. John got pooped on by a bird, ha ha ha ha ha. It was only like, 3 inches from me. That kind of stuff usually happens to me but it didn't this time. It was great :) Lucky for John, I brought baby wipes. Anyway, Dakota didn't even play with anybody. I asked him if he wanted to go play with someone but he said he was too shy. Mikayla had a lot of fun at first. After awhile she suddenly got upset and started crying. She said she was tired and needed her pacifier. Yes, she is 3 and yes, we still let her use her pacifier for naps/bedtime. We had Dakota off of the pacifier by the time he turned 3. I used to be a member of a parenting forum online, and another mother was saying how disgusting it is to see 2 and 3 year olds with pacifiers. Other parents can be soooo judgmental and mean. I started feeling like a bad mother and that's what made me take the pacifier away from Dakota when I did. Mikayla isn't so easy. Once we tried cutting back on it, she started wanting it more and more. In fact, she is crying as I type this because she wants it. She is just so stuck on that thing. Anyway, back to the picnic - after Mikayla started bawling I decided I would just take her home so she could take a nap. John was going to stay with Dakota but Dakota begged to go home too. We asked his teacher if he could go ahead and go, it wasn't like he was going to be doing anything the rest of the day anyway. She said that was fine, and she called over to the school and had them sign him out in the office. There were some flies around and I wonder if that was part of the reason Dakota wanted to leave. It doesn't matter what kind of insect it is, he is terrified of them all. So, we all went home and we all went to sleep. It was nice.

Long weekend - long blog

2010-05-18T15:59:00.003-05:00

Well, I survived my son's first field trip on Friday. He woke up in a really good mood that morning, and he was actually really excited about going. That was a relief for me, I thought he'd have a meltdown. I didn't even cry when John took him to school. I went back to sleep for awhile, and then we went to St. Joe - partly to sell some stuff at Once Upon a Child and partly to keep me busy instead of sitting at home wondering how Dakota was doing. The buses got back to the school a little after 5:00. Things went well, no potty accidents, no crying or anything. When John asked him what his favorite part of the zoo was, Dakota said his sandwich. Anyway, Dakota seems to be doing a little better at school. I think the one -on-one is really helping, but with being pulled out of class a lot, he's not able to get that schoolwork done. So, he is bring home more homework than we can keep up with. Working with him on his homework usually gives me a headache. We probably spend about an hour every evening on it, which is a lot for a Kindergartner. I usually have to break it up, otherwise he gets frustrated and distracted and I can't get him to focus. I feel sorry for his teachers, lol... But sometimes he doesn't complain, he does it, and things just seem to click. With Dakota, you never know which ice cream flavor you're gonna get, if that makes sense. For example, yesterday morning when John's mom picked him up for school, Dakota was bawling. He said he bawled a few times at school, but when I asked him why he just said he didn't know. When he got home from school he looked like he had been crying, and he looked exhausted. He laid down on the couch and went to sleep. This morning, he was in a good mood and when John's mom honked her horn, he almost hurried out the door before giving me a hug. He came home from school and he was still in a great mood. Some days he's happy and full of energy, some days he is just grumpy and doesn't want to do anything, and sometimes he is just really sensitive and cries about anything.

On Saturday, we went to a wedding in Iowa. It was 2 1/2 hours up there and back. I thought the kids did pretty well at the wedding considering it was a long Catholic wedding. We had a little time to kill between the wedding and reception, so we went to the nearest town that had a store. We found a K-mart and just walked around. We let the kids look at the toys. Dakota found a Godzilla figurine. It was pretty good sized and in a nice box - and it was the only one. There was no price on it, so John did a price scan and it rang up for only $4. We let him get it and he was thrilled (you just don't find Godzilla stuff anywhere). It gave Dakota something to do at the reception. Most of the time, he just sat at the table and played with his new toy. Mikayla enjoyed dancing around. I danced one slow dance with Dakota. While we were dancing, he just looked up at me and said "I love ya". It was really sweet.

Sunday was my brother Michael's high school graduation. It's crazy that's he's done with school. It makes me feel really old. I used to take care of him when he was a baby. I don't have a lot of memories from my past but I have a vague memory of putting a bra on my face so it looked like a surgical mask, and then changing Michael's poopy diaper. Shortly after John and I started dating, Michael was saying that he would turn 7 on the 7th (of August). And now he will be 19 this summer. Man, John and I have been together a long time...

Yesterday, Michael had surgery on his tailbone. Same kind of surgery that I had to have. My mom and my uncle had it done too, and my other brother Ryan needs it done. It runs in the family I guess. Hopefully my kids won't have problems with their tailbones. Anyway, that's about the worst place to have surgery. I don't mean that it hurts the worst (I'm positive that a c-section is worse because of the stomach muscles being cut through), but it still sucks pain-wise. After surgery, it's probably the most akward place. It hurts to sit or lay on your back. And it's sort of a humiliating place to have to have surgery. Between doctors visits, the surgery, and the aftercare - I felt like a hundred people saw my butt. After I went back to work, I had to use a pillow in my chair for a long time, and everyone knew I had surgery there. And having a scar at the top of your butt crack isn't cool. Scars on the arms, legs, back, etc.. are cool. Not the butt. We'll just be a big happy family of butt crack scars. But I don't think we will hang out and compare scars. Michael has to stay in the hospital for a couple of days. They left his wound open so it can heal from the inside out (that's the normal procedure so it doesn't develop an air pocket). Mine was sewn up, and I left the hospital the same day. I was told that they didn't leave mine open because the cyst went all the way down to the bone (that's what you get for having it for years before you finally muster up the courage to go to a doctor). I had a little bit of a problem afterwards with a hole developing on it's own but I won't go into all the gross details. I think Michael's was just as deep so I don't know why they had mine closed and left his open. It was the same doctor. I had severe pain for several months whenever I would stand after sitting for awhile. And my tailbone still bothers me (it's probably been 8 years since mine was done). But I'm too stubborn to show my butt to a doctor again.

Bad parenting moment of the week

2010-05-12T11:26:00.002-05:00

The other day, we were in the van and John and I were talking about how school buses don't have seat belts. I wasn't even thinking about Dakota in the back seat paying any attention to us. So anyway, last night I sat down with Dakota to talk to him about going to the zoo with his class and what to expect, etc... When I told him that he would be riding the school bus he started bawling and saying that school buses aren't safe because they don't have seat belts. oops. So now he is terrified to ride the bus. And when I told him that mommy and daddy wouldn't be going to the zoo with him that made him even more upset. I emailed his teacher about all this because I'm afraid he will have a meltdown on Friday. She told me that she can sit with him on the bus. And at the zoo, the kids will be in a bunch of small groups with chaperones. She told me that Dakota will be in a group with her and 3 other boys. She also told me that she will be carrying around a bag with extra clothes in it for Dakota since he has accidents a lot lately. This really eases my anxiety. I'm so glad that Dakota has a teacher who understands him and has already made plans to accommodate him. I hope this eases Dakota's anxiety as well. I don't want him being miserable for his first field trip.

May happenings

2010-05-10T21:44:00.003-05:00

Dakota went back to Dr. Watson today. This was the first time that we'd seen her since the school did their evaluation. Since the school decided that Dakota doesn't have a learning disability, and that most of his problem is the fact that they can't hold his attention, Dr. Watson decided to try him on Intuniv. It's medication for kids with ADHD. It can take 3 weeks to notice a difference, and hopefully there won't be any side effects. Luckily she gave us some samples, she mentioned that it's an expensive medication. She also gave us some samples of Abilify after I told her that our copay on that is around $65 a month. John's work recently went with a new health insurance company, and basically...they suck.

Dakota's first field trip is this Friday. All the Kindergarten classes are going to the zoo in Omaha. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I'm kinda freaking out about this. First of all, Dakota's never even ridden the bus so I don't know how he is going to react with his anxiety. Secondly, (and my main concern) is the fact that they don't have seat belts on buses. That bothers me a lot, especially with a trip out of town. The 3rd thing that bothers me is Dakota being in a different city than me. I blame this on MY anxiety. My kids are never away from me, and I have attachment issues. Well, Dakota has attachment issues with me too so I guess it's mutual. The 4th thing that bothers me is the fact that some of the kids aren't real nice to Dakota, and I'm afraid that the teachers will be so busy trying to keep everyone together that they won't notice if kids are being mean. The 5th thing that worries me is thinking about Dakota getting lost. Dakota has trouble "staying on task". He forgets what he is supposed to be doing. I'm afraid he will stop to look at something, or just get lost in his own little world, and the rest of the class will lose him somewhere. I know, I know, it's obvious where Dakota gets his anxiety from and I need a chill pill. Well, I have chill pills. I think I need a tranquilizer.

I had an interesting thing happen the other day. John bought a black light to use for his dj gigs. He turned off the lights at home and turned it on to show the kids. I had just gotten ready for bed so I had my contacts out, and my glasses on. I went over by the black light and John mentioned that my glasses looked weird. So I took them off and my eyes started burning. John said that my corneas were glowing green. I put my glasses back on and I was okay. Another time that I had my contacts in, I went in front of the black light again and I was fine. No burning, no green glowing eyes. So basically, if I have something between the light and my eyes I'm fine. It's like my eyes are missing some coating or something. Really weird...

Battle with a spider

2010-05-06T00:53:00.002-05:00

While we were away on vacation, we had John's friend T.J. use those bug foggers in our house. Anyone who knows me knows I have to have this done several times a year. So anyway, imagine my surprise when I get ready to step in the shower tonight and there's a spider in the bathtub (I'm shuddering now just thinking about it). I'm standing there naked, frozen, not knowing what to do. John's at work. I convince myself to put on my (invisible) big girl panties and kill it myself. I get the cup that's on the side of the bathtub and take it over to the sink and fill it up. Then, after preparing myself for a minute, I quickly fling the water at the spider. The spider jumped straight up in the air (driving the ick-ness factor sky high). Somehow, the water sloshed on the side of the tub, went up and landed on top of the spider (who was in the air), and took the spider down the drain with it. Now that was a smooth move if I do say so myself. I was quite proud of myself. But even though the spider was gone, I still had to muster up the courage to actually get into the shower. I'm not sure I've ever had such a speedy shower. Who cares about hairy legs and pits, I'm not standing around butt naked for the spiders friends to come take revenge. Good thing I have some tylenol pm or I will never get to sleep tonight.

Texas

2010-04-28T00:54:00.013-05:00

We got back the other day from a vacation in Texas. We stayed with John's aunt and uncle who live outside of Ft. Worth. Anyway, the drive down there went pretty well. The kids did great. We bought them both a new dvd before the trip, that way they would be entertained on the way. It rained most of the way, and once we got down there we got stuck in traffic for awhile. The nascar race had just let out so traffic was backed up in all directions. The amount of traffic was crazy. I was getting tired of sitting in the van and I needed to pee so I was getting cranky. A couple of guys stopped on the side of the road to pee. Being a guy must come in handy sometimes. Finally we got to a gas station but all they had available were outhouses. By that time Dakota had to pee too and he didn't want to go into the outhouse by himself. Those things aren't really built for 2 people but we managed. Someone had peed all over the seat and there was no way I was sitting down so I did the squat thing, and had to hold onto Dakota while I peed so I wouldn't fall. He was probably thinking his mom was crazy. But he didn't say anything. Good boy.

The next day was cold and rainy too. We didn't expect to need jackets in Texas in April, but I took them anyway. I wished I would have brought my heavy coat. Not near as warm as I had hoped. Since it was rainy, we just went to the Grapevine Mills Mall. They had a giant book store in there so I was in heaven. The mall itself was crazy busy though. I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack or something. Everywhere I tried to walk had someone in my way. I failed to bring my chill pill.

The next day the rain had finally stopped, but it was still a little chilly. We went down to the Ft. Worth Stockyards, which was of course Dakota's favorite part. He had a blast looking at all the cowboy stuff and we took his picture next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout. We got to tour Billy Bob's - which is the worlds largest honky tonk (or something like that). That was John's favorite part. They had handprints of everyone who has ever played there, and there were guitars and pictures and stuff so John went a little picture happy with the camera. I thought he was gonna use up all our pictures on that place.

Another day we drove over to a place called Dinosaur National Park - which was an hour drive. It was kind of a disappointment really. They have preserved dinosaur tracks down by the river, but with all the rain they had, the river was too high to see the tracks. The only thing to see were these two dinosaur statues and that was it:

After we left that place, we found a park that had huge rocks that you could climb on. The kids enjoyed that more, and it was free:

Another day we got a tour of the Texas Motor Speedway. It was pretty cool. We got to go down and see victory lane and pit road and all that stuff. We also got to go up into the condo type thingys that the rich people get to go watch the race at. I don't remember how much it cost for those but it was ridiculous. The best part was riding around the track. It was in a van - not as cool as a race car - but it was still cool. The first lap around the guy driving went kinda slow and the curve of the track was really noticeable. I felt like I was gonna slide down the seat. Actually, it felt like the van was going to tip over. The second lap the guy went around 70 mph and the incline wasn't as noticeable. I learned a bunch of cool facts but I already forgot them. Oh well, that's the brain of a Fibromyalgia sufferer. (which reminds me, I do these blogs for my benefit probably more so than anyone elses because I do tend to forget most things. This way I am able to go through my blog and re-read things that have happened a while ago that I have forgotten about).
We also took the kids to ChuckE Cheese. I was dreading it a little, but we had a blast. We went around 2 pm so there wasn't really anybody there. I didn't have to watch my kids like a hawk for fear of someone kidnapping them or something, so I was able to relax (yes, I worry about everything and I am over protective). Actually, I believe that I used more tokens than John or the kids did. There was this wheel of fortune game that was a bit addicting... I would have taken more pictures if I wasn't busy gambling at a kids game.

Luckily, it warmed up as the week went on. We sat out by the pool a lot, but the water was too cold to swim in (and the heater in the hot tub wasn't working). But that didn't stop the kids from stripping off their pants and putting their legs in the water!

Random stuff

2010-04-08T12:16:00.003-05:00

Dakota's school is finally done with all the testing on him. They did a bunch of tests and even had outsiders come in to evaluate him. Yesterday, we had a meeting with the school to go over everything and it took over an hour. On all fine motor skills, Dakota's results were equivalent to a 4 year old. His eye/hand coordination was equivalent to a 3 year old. He has problems just catching a ball. His mind processes things so slowly that it takes him a few second to react. Just like when you ask him a question or tell him to do something, he has to think about it for a little bit before he can answer. Also, he can only concentrate on one task at a time. For example, if his teacher asked him to go put up his school bag and then go sit down, he would only put up his bag. He constantly needs reminders to do the second step. He does not have average intelligence - and that statement makes me sad. Dakota needs many modifications in the classroom. He can't do any of the work on his own. By the time he is finished writing his name, all the other kids are done with their papers. He is really slow at writing and he doesn't write very well. All the testers and teachers pretty much said that Dakota had trouble focusing on what is going on, and he often just spaces out. A couple of people said that Dakota's gait when walking is not typical (like walking on tiptoes, large steps, or very close together steps). And one of the testers said that he has quirky behaviors and his speech and body movements were awkward and jerky. Anyway, the school basically said that Dakota doesn't have any learning disability - they said that he has a health impairment. His doctor has diagnosed him with ADD and the school seems to agree with this diagnosis. Surprisingly, they are not going to hold Dakota back this year. They've made up an "Individual Education Plan" for him, that they are starting today. Basically, he will only be in his regular classroom about 75% of the time. The rest of the time he will be in Special education classes (Speech, Occupational Therapy, Language Therapy, Math, and General Academics).

A couple of weeks ago was the Kindergarten awards assembly. Only parents whose child was getting an award were invited to attend. When we got a note saying that Dakota was getting an award, honestly - John and I were surprised. We knew it wasn't going to be for academics but we weren't told what it was for. Anyway, Dakota's teacher made up an award just for Dakota. It was called Dakota Digs Dinosaurs Award and it said that it was for "showing the most excitement for learning about and playing with dinosaurs". Dakota was so proud. It really meant a lot that his teacher did this for him.

Mikayla's birthday was on April 1st. She is 3 years old now. She is able to start preschool this next school year but we are going to wait. Honestly, I don't think she will need 2 years of preschool before she goes to Kindergarten. And I want her to stay little for as long as possible. Having her start school at age 3 would just seem like pushing her to grow up. She already knows her ABC's and she can count to 20 with only missing 2 numbers. We've even heard her count to 10 in Spanish. She knows several Spanish words - thanks to Dora. She even knows some Chinese words because of the cartoon Ni Hao Ki Lan. She loves that show. Mikayla just seems to soak up everything she hears. She knows words to a lot of different songs. She just seems very intelligent for her age. The only thing we can't get her to do is use her potty chair. She is very independent and likes to do things herself, so I'm surprised she is not potty trained yet. Her brother was hard to potty train as well. I don't know what the deal is.

I think it's ok to announce this now - my brother Ryan and his long-time girlfriend Kayla are having a baby! I'm so excited to be an aunt again. I hope they get married. They've been together for a long time. There aren't many girls that like to go hunting and fishing, so I think that Kayla is perfect for Ryan. They already bicker like a married couple (well, ok, worse than a married couple). But they've been doing that for years and are still together so I think they will last.

Stupid dentist

2010-03-17T18:21:00.002-05:00

Dakota had a checkup today at the dentist, Dr. Snyder. The dental assistant tried to do an x-ray of Dakota's teeth, but he freaked out when she put that thing in his mouth - so she wasn't able to get that done. Dakota is sensitive and scared of everything. So anyway, she cleaned his teeth and that went ok. Then the dentist came in. When he started checking his teeth, Dakota started making noises. They weren't loud noises at all, he was either scared or pretending he was a dinosaur. If you know Dakota, you know that he often makes weird noises - that's just how he is. Anyway, the dentist got really mad for some reason. He started poking Dakota in the forehead, and yelling at him to be quiet because there are other patients in the other rooms and he said that it wasn't a place for fun and games. He was a HUGE jerk. You just had to be there. First of all, Dakota wasn't trying to act all silly or anything. Sometimes I think he doesn't even realize the noises he makes. Secondly, his noises were quieter than the dentists' talking voice (he talks loud), so if anyone was disrupting the other patients, it was the dentist. I'm sure no one else could hear Dakota, but I'm sure everyone heard the dentist yelling at Dakota. Surprisingly, Dakota didn't cry then. I just sat there stunned. I'm so mad at myself for not saying anything. Then the dentist started acting normal, and told me that Dakota needed to see an orthodontist - something about his front teeth. I don't even know exactly what was said, I was too busy fuming. Then he told the assistant to take Dakota out to a different machine for an xray. At this machine, Dakota had to stand there while this thing went around his head. I was proud of him, he didn't freak out. He was probably afraid he'd get yelled at if he did. Then, we were taken back to the room. A few minutes later, the assistant brought the xray in and hung it up, and said that the dentist would be in to look at it. When she left the room, Dakota started bawling. I didn't blame him, I didn't want to see the dentist again either. The x-ray didnt' turned out too good, so the dentist really couldn't see what he was looking for. Anyway, by the time I got home with Dakota I was all worked up. I was telling John about it and started crying, I was so mad. I was so pissed at the dentist, and I was mad at myself for not doing anything about it. I mean, we don't even know what's wrong with Dakota. I don't think he has autism, but something is going on to make him act "different". He can't help some things. So anyway, this pissed John off. John went to the office and confronted the dentist. Of course the dentist denied everything (there were patients who could hear). John started poking the dentist in the forehead like the way he did to Dakota, and the dentist threatened to call the police for assault (what a wuss). John said that we wouldn't be back ever again, and the dentist said, "Do you think that's going to hurt my feelings? In fact, I'd prefer it". I don't remember what else John said, but that's most of it. I should have known not to go back to him again after he messed up my teeth - but I always thought he was so nice and I was afraid to go see someone I've never seen before. I guess the dentist showed his true colors. This dentist has a fancy new office and charges more than anyone else in town. He probably has the most business too. I guess all of that has gone to his head and now he is just a jerk. So I want to ask everyone I know not to go to him. I think he deserves to lose as much business as possible.

Same crap different day

2010-03-14T22:37:00.003-05:00

John had his echocardiogram last week. We thought maybe we would find something out that day, but of course not. We were told that the cardiologist wouldn't be working again until Tuesday, and it might even be a couple of days after that for us to hear something. We should have just had this done in St. Joe - I'm sure they have a cardiologist working every day. This is the sucky thing about small towns. So anyway, we are still playing the waiting game.

I had another appointment with my crazy doctor last week. He wants me to increase the Wellbutrin and decrease the Lexapro, and then he will eventually just have me on Wellbutrin. Even though I have told him that I've tried Wellbutrin before and it didn't work as well for me as the Lexapro. Ugh, I swear - men just don't listen. He also told me that I don't seem to trust in anything or anybody. Which I guess is true to a point. And he says I don't talk enough. Hmmm...what a surprise considering I have social anxiety. I guess maybe he expects me to waltz in there and start making conversation, but that's not going to happen. If I'm asked a question, I will answer. Period. He asked me if I needed advice on anything, and to get the focus off of me, I asked for his opinion on Dakota. I kind of explained what was going on with Dakota and he told me to research Asperger's. I did, and for the most part it really doesn't sound like him. I mean, there are a few similarities but I don't think that's it. I did some other research and the closest thing I found is something called ADHD predominantly inattentive. This paragraph that I read pretty much sums Dakota up:

"ADHD-PI is different from the other subtypes of ADHD in that it is characterized primarily by inattention, easy distractibility, disorganization, procrastination, forgetfulness, and lethargy (fatigue), but with less or none of the symptoms of hyperactivity or impulsiveness typical of the other ADHD subtypes."

In other Mackey news, we had to have something replaced on the van. I don't even remember what. Something to do with the brakes I think but it had a different name (I'm such a girl). Anyway, we got that fixed and now the e-brake doesn't work. It worked before. Oh, and we need 4 new tires badly. I'm so relieved we got our tax money back. I'm hoping we will still be able to afford to take a vacation next month. We are planning to drive down to Texas and stay with John's aunt and uncle. I know April probably sounds like a weird time to go on vacation but it will be easier for John to get that time off than in the summer when everyone else will want to take their vacations. And we are just anxious to get away.

Anyway, I actually have something to be excited about. I know this isn't going to excite anyone else, especially those that aren't into the digi-scrap world, but I've been accepted as a designer at a store called Digiscrap Warehouse. It's a store where a lot of well known designers are - including my favorite designer. Anyway, they were having a designer call and I almost didn't apply because I didn't think I'd make it. But the next day I got a response from the store owner and she told me that the things I make are excellent quality. I have such crappy self-esteem that it was really nice to actually hear something good about myself. Anyway, if anyone wants to check out the store, click HERE.

HCM

2010-03-08T19:46:00.003-06:00

John has been having some chest pain/pressure for awhile now. I finally convinced him to go to the doctor last week (you know how men are). Good thing he went. They did an EKG and it looks like he has a heart condition called Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy (HCM). It's a disease that causes the heart muscle to enlarge. After fighting with the insurance company, the doctors office scheduled an Echocardiogram for this Thursday afternoon. As of now, the stupid insurance won't cover for John to have a stress test. So anyway, I guess for now John needs to refrain from doing anything too physical. Also, this is something that is genetic so if he gets a diagnosis I guess we better get the kids checked out.

Dakota had a doctors appointment last week as well. The doctor told us to stop using the Daytrana. I think she could see what we meant about him being hyper and fidgety. The whole time Dakota stomped around the room acting like a dinosaur. He couldn't hold still or sit down. He wouldn't even talk to the doctor, all he would do is roar at her, lol... Things are a lot more calm now. The doctor is going to wait on trying him on anything new. She wants to see what the school testing shows. I don't know when they are supposed to be done with all the tests, but she wants to know if they diagnose him with a learning disability. He's not stupid, he is really smart when it comes to the few things that interest him (cowboys, dinosaurs, Godzilla/Ultraman figures). Nothing else seems to be able to hold his attention though. He is often in his own little world, and you have to repeat yourself several times to get through to him. I'm worried that the school might put him in special ed and I'm worried about how the other kids will react to him. Kids can be so cruel. I just worry about him :( I'm just really stressed about things right now...

Daytrana

2010-03-04T00:13:00.002-06:00

Well, the Daytrana isn't working out so well. It has been making Dakota hyper and fidgety. The other day, his teacher told me that Dakota was rolling around on the floor and going after the other kids. Usually he keeps to himself at school. It's good that he is coming out of his shell, but not so good that he is being wild at school. His teacher said that academically, it isn't helping. Tonight I had to take Dakota out to the college for the K.I.D.S program - it's where they stay for an hour once every month, and they do things with the college student that they are paired up with. About 10 minutes after I dropped him off, I texted the college girl and told her that Dakota is on a new med and if he acts hyper or anything, that is why. She texted me back and said "I've already noticed". Dakota is also making some weird noises and I think that he can't help it. Anyway, we go back to the doctor tomorrow thankfully. I tried calling them a couple days ago to explain and their suggestion was to give him more!!! I think they are forgetting that Dakota is not hyper in the first place - the medicine is making him that way. So, I just feel like we need to talk in person. I don't know what they are thinking...

Anyway, I feel kind of bad that I'm always talking about Dakota but never Mikayla. The fact is, Mikayla is happy and healthy and she is doing great! I never really have any updates to give, but that's a good thing!! There is one cute thing that she has been doing lately. Several times a day she'll say, "Guess what?" and after you say "what?" she says "I love you". She's really sweet. But she can also be embarrassing, like any kid. Today, we went to Sonic to get drinks. When the carhop girl came to my window, Mikayla said "Is that a boy or a girl?". And she said it pretty loudly. I wanted to shrink down in my seat. Oh, the joys of parenthood!

Things are looking up!

2010-02-22T12:44:00.003-06:00

Well, things seem to be looking up a little bit. My parents loaned us the money so we were able to get John's car out of the shop. Driving the car back and forth to work instead of the van will save us money. Also, John shopped around for car insurance and we went with Progressive. It's going to save us $40 a month. See, it really does pay to shop around! And John found out through his work that he can receive a discount on our cell phones - something about a partnership between Heartland and AT&T (I'm not positive). Anyway, that is going to save us $20-25 a month. And to top things off, we are receiving more than we thought we would on our income taxes! It's about time we got some good news!

My scrapkits have been selling really well on ebay. I made $80 last month! But I got a message from ebay saying that they will be taking my scrapkits off because they don't allow people to sell digital files on there. They suck! So far, they have taken a few off but not all yet. I decided to try selling them on Etsy.com. I listed a few a couple of weeks ago and I've only sold one. Oh well, guess I will just stick with the digital scrapbooking stores. By the way, I was invited to join another store! It's so nice to have somebody see what you make, and ask you to be a part of their store.

Last, but not least, is Dakota. We had another appointment with his doctor. She decided to start him on Daytrana, which is a patch he has to wear on his hip for 9 hours every day. It is for children with ADHD, but I don't think the doctor has actually made that diagnosis (as of now anyway). I don't think Dakota is hyperactive, but I do think he has problems with his attention. Maybe this will help him focus on what he needs to at school. We don't want him to fall behind any more than he already has.

I need to get away

2010-02-13T18:00:00.002-06:00

Unfortunately I had to go see my psychiatrist again yesterday. He told me that I looked better and my eyes looked brighter. I told him that it was because my husband watched the kids and let me take a nap before I came. But he is convinced my medications are working wonders, so much so that he wants me to take an extra pill a day of 2 of the medications. I told him that I'm not sure I notice much of a difference at all, and I wasn't even able to start the Wellbutrin until yesterday because of the insurance. But what do I know.... The guy was really pissing me off yesterday and I didn't feel like he was taking me seriously most of the time. Out of the blue he asked me what scares me the most. The first thought that popped into my head was something happening to my children so that's what I told him. He asked me if I think about things like that and I told him I did (I am a mother - it's only normal). He went on this long speech about how worrying about things like that is pointless and he was talking about the probabilities of things happening, blah blah blah. I started to tell him that I knew what the probability was of something happening to one of my kids, but that it doesn't stop me from worrying anyway. He stopped me before I even got half my sentence out and said, "No, you don't know because if you did you wouldn't be worrying about it, and blah blah blah." And he didn't say it very nicely either - more like he was annoyed. I just closed up after that and couldn't even talk to him. Yeah, I understand that probabilities are low that something bad is going to happen to someone. But in the past 2 years I've had an aunt and uncle tragically lose their daughter, and my cousins lost their father because of someone murdering him so the doctor doesn't need to tell me crap about what I know and what I don't know and what's not likely to happen. Then, he asked me if I prayed and I shook my head no. So, then he went off on another tangent about praying and God and blah blah blah. Honestly, I feel the way my husband does - praying to God does about as much good as praying to a lucky rabbits foot. If there is a God, and he plans on somebody going to heaven on a certain day, that's going to happen rather you pray or not. Otherwise nobody would ever die. Things happen for a reason. But anyway, I don't go see a doctor to get religious advice. And I wouldn't go back to this doctor if I didn't need him to write me a prescription. And unfortunately I have to go back in a month. He only writes me prescriptions for a month at a time so I have to come back and see him every month. It's like he doesn't trust me or something. It's really annoying.

After my appointment, John told me about what happened at Dakota's school. Apparently during recess Dakota told another little boy that he was going to kill him. They were playing cops. Luckily, the teacher didn't bring the principal and all that into it. She talked to John about it when he went to pick up Dakota. She said she had a talk with Dakota about it and he got really upset. I don't know what she said to him but it sounds like he cried for the rest of the day. She said that the Valentine's party was ruined for him because he was so upset.

On Thursday we had another appointment with Dakota's school. His teacher was there, the principal, the speech teacher, and someone from the Special Ed department. Basically, they got some testing done but they needed us to sign more papers to have more testing done. An Occupational Therapist said that Dakota seems lethargic and unresponsive when you ask him to complete a task (we notice that at home too). His regular teacher thinks that Dakota's intelligence seems below average and says that he seems very slow to progress and process. She said that he is nowhere near grade level expectations and she has to walk him through every task. Fine motor skills are especially delayed. She has concerns for all areas. They still want to test him on visual perception, motor proficiency, articulation proficiency, semantic skills, and a bunch of others: CELF-Pre, KABC-2, KTEA-11, KeyMath3, TERA-2, and TEWL-2. Guess I need to google these to see what the heck they are!

Oh, and on top of everything else we finally got Johns car somewhere to be looked at. They had it a few days and then called us and said it was fixed. They replaced the alternator and the bill is $400. Needless to say, they still have our car. We don't have extra money like that lying around. They didn't even call us before they did anything to give us an estimate like most places do. If we would have known, we would have told them to wait until we got our tax return back. Ugh, this has not been a good week! I hope we get a good amount back from the tax return so we can go on a little get-away. Even if it's just for a weekend. I just need to get away from everything.

My appointment

2010-02-03T20:21:00.002-06:00

I had an appointment last week with the psychiatrist. He decided to add 3 medications to the crapload that I already have to take. One is Wellbutrin, he wants me to take it along with my Lexapro. I'm not sure if I've heard of people having to take 2 different anti-depressants. Another med is called Propranolol. I don't even remember for sure what this is for. Something about the central nervous system or something??? I swear that I think he said that half of my central nervous system seems dead. Of course, he is foreign and a little hard to understand. Maybe I should ask more questions or hire a translator or something... Anyway, then the last med is something called Klonopon. The doctor calls it a chill-out pill. I'm supposed to take it 3 times a day. And I'm supposed to always carry some with me so I can take an extra one if somewhere I go causes me anxiety. He gave me a low dose so that hopefully it won't chill me out so much that I fall asleep. I have trouble staying awake during the day the way it is, so I'm sure this isn't going to help. Back when I worked at Vatterott, I kept falling asleep at work so a doc put me on Provigil. All I had to do was take half a pill and it worked great. My current doc tried putting me on that recently, and not even a whole pill phases me at all. He wants me to talk to my primary care physician and tell her that he suggests T3 - which has something to do with my thyroid. I told him that when I last had my thyroid checked it was fine but he seems to think I should take thyroid meds anyway. I'm just afraid that my primary care doc will think that my psychiatrist is a nutcase and the appointment will be a waste of my time and money. I just hate going to see doctors.

I had an appointment yesterday with the girl from Voc Rehab that helps me look for a job. She gave me print offs of 3 jobs that she thinks I should apply for. I took them home, read through them, and basically had a break down. I don't even know why I'm talking about this. But basically the jobs (and all the other jobs she tries shoving at me), are customer service oriented jobs. I have social anxiety, I can't do these jobs. They all want people with excellent communication skills. I just can't do that and even thinking about doing that makes me all panicky. If it weren't for not being able to stand for long periods of time, I think I would just go work at a factory. I just want to go somewhere, do my job, and not have to talk to anyone. Is that too much to ask? Apparently so. Maybe I could pretend to be mute. Anyway. I just feel worthless on so many levels. I don't think any amount of medication is going to change me. If anything, I will be zombie-fied from being on so much. I will be taking, I think, 15 pills a day. I haven't started the Wellbutrin yet because the insurance company seems to be having a fit or something. The pharmacy says that the insurance wants comfirmation from the doctors office. Oh, and speaking of pharmacies, we got our account statements for last year. In 2009 we spent $700 on prescriptions, which really sucks.

Dakota's appointment

2010-01-20T20:31:00.002-06:00

I took Dakota to his appointment on Monday and the doctor spent a lot of time with us. It was nice to have a doctor take their time, ask questions, and listen. As for the bathroom issues, she said that it is possible that Dakota has held his bowel movements in so much that he no longer feels when he needs to go. And his bowels could be pushing against his bladder, and that's why he sometimes wets his pants. She said that we need to try something called bowel retraining. We need to start with giving Dakota Mira-lax or Ex-lax to get him cleaned out. Then we need to have him sit on the toilet every day at the same time to see if he can try to go.

As for the behavioral issues, we don't really know what's going on yet. The doctor mentioned Autism, but that is kind of hard to diagnose and she's not positive at this point. She wants to wait and see how things go with all the testing the school is going to be doing, and how things go with observing him at school. Dakota's teacher FINALLY got a hold of the lady at the doctor's office who is supposed to come and observe him. They sat that up for tomorrow. The doctor also mentioned trying him on some medication to help him with holding his attention on things. That might help him out at school. But she wants to wait until all that testing is over, because she doesn't want the med to interfere with the tests. So, as of right now, the doctor just increased Dakota's dose of Abilify. John picked it up from the pharmacy yesterday, and because of the deductible, we had to pay $150. John had to put all of his birthday money toward that. John's car is also having major problems. We need to take is somewhere to have it looked at, but that has to wait because of buying the medicine. It seems like it is always something...

Dakota lost another tooth last night. I think this makes the 3rd tooth in the past month or so. I joke with him about him turning into a toothless old man. Anyway, the tooth that came out last night had a little bit of blood on it, so he was concerned that he needed to wash it for the tooth fairy. I thought that was very thoughtful of him :)

Dakota

2010-01-13T21:18:00.002-06:00

We have been having a lot of issues with Dakota - peeing/pooping in his pants, not listening, crying about everything (having complete meltdowns), and basically just acting like a baby. We have tried everything and don't know what to do. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with me babysitting my nephew, who is a baby...but I just have a feeling there's more to it than that.

We had a meeting today with Dakota's teacher, speech teacher, and the vice principal. Dakota is not meeting the expectations that he should be, and he seems to be struggling with everything. They want to do a bunch of different tests on him to check his social, behavioral, motor, and academic skills. His teacher also said that Dakota isn't really interacting with the other kids. I feel really bad for him. His doctor was supposed to have someone come to school and observe Dakota, but that never happened. His teacher and I have left several messages with no luck. I finally just made another appointment for Monday to talk with his doctor in person to see what the heck is going on.

In general, I feel that Dakota gets pushed to the side a lot and doesn't get a lot of attention from other people. His sister gets tons of attention, and I know that Dakota notices that. The other day he told me that nobody likes him and he said that nobody likes to talk to him. I try to give him extra attention, I know he really needs it right now. He's not really the type who will go up and hug someone or start a conversation. His way of trying to get attention is to pretend to shoot somebody (John Wayne is his hero). He constantly loves to pretend that he's shooting bad guys. But when he does that around people, others just get annoyed or ignore him. If someone would play back, that would just make his day. I don't know why people get so uptight when it comes to kids playing with toy guns or pretending their hand is a gun. These are the same people who probably played cowboys and indians when they were kids. These days I feel like kids can't act like kids. When we go somewhere I feel like my kids have to sit down, be quiet, and act like perfect angels. I don't even like to go places, I'd rather stay home so my kids can run around and play and have fun. Ok, I think I'm done with my ranting now. I will update if we ever get anything figured out with Dakota.

Wow, it's December already

2009-12-01T17:59:00.004-06:00

Can't believe it already been about a month since I last wrote a blog. The days are just going by so fast. I started babysitting my new little nephew, Adrian, while his parents are at school. Things are going well. Mikayla looks forward to him coming. She even told me that she wants to buy him.

I went to my new psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago. I like him better than the other guy, but he is really quiet and expects me to do all of the talking. It was kind of uncomfortable. Anyway, he prescribed me some Provigil - which is a medication I used to take to keep me awake during the day. It helped for a couple of days but it's not really helping anymore. I think I need a higher dosage than what I used to take. I have to go back to him in a couple more weeks, not really looking forward to that. He expects me to have stuff to say. Oh, and he is also having me take a fish oil supplement and a prenatal vitamin instead of a regular mulivitamin - not sure why, I'm not planning on getting pregnant. And the fish oil capsules smell....fishy. I have kind of a hard time putting those in my mouth. I try not to think about how exactly they go about getting the oil out of the fish...

I'm not sure what to do about Dakota. Lately, he has been peeing and pooping in his pants. He is 6 years old, I don't know why he is doing this. We've taken away privileges in hopes that it would make him stop, but it isn't helping. We've asked him why he doesn't just go in the toilet but he just says he doesn't know. He was doing this only at home, but he's recently started peeing in his pants at school. You would think that it would be embarrasing for him but he doesn't seem to care. Help?!?!?!?!

Weight loss

2009-11-08T02:12:00.003-06:00

Well, Dakota is sick again. Yesterday he threw up 5 times. He is feeling a little better today and only running a light fever, so I don't know if this is just some sort of 48 hour bug or what. I was afraid he was getting the flu again. Hopefully he will be fine by tomorrow.

A week or so ago, a had an appt. with my Rheumatologist. He prescribed me another kind of medicine for my pain. This one is called Plaquenil. One of the side effects is decreased appetite. I really hope I get that one! Maybe it will counteract my other med that increases appetite. Anyway, I joined a weight loss site called Spark People (www.sparkpeople.com). I think it's kind of like Weight Watchers, but this one is free. Everyday you enter what you eat/drink and it will calculate the calories, fat, carbs, etc... You don't realize how much crap is in the food you eat until you keep track of things. It is so easy to go over the amount of calories you're allowed in a day. Since I don't like rabbit food I'm having a tough time. I did cut down the amount of pop I drink to 1 can a day though. And I'm trying really hard to drink a lot of water. I'm kind of miserable really. But since I can't really work out, this is my only option to lose weight.

Anway, every year about this time, I always get asked what I want for Christmas - or what John wants, Dakota wants, Mikayla wants... My mind always goes blank though when I'm on the spot. So, we have made wish lists that you can check out if you want:

Mine:
http://www.kaboodle.com/tishia/tishias-wish-list.html

John:
http://www.kaboodle.com/tishia/johns-wish-list.html

Dakota:
http://www.kaboodle.com/tishia/dakotas-wish-list.html

Mikayla:
http://www.kaboodle.com/tishia/mikaylas-wish-list.html

I'll be updating these too as we think of more things :)

October

2009-10-26T19:16:00.003-05:00

It seems like it's been awhile since my last blog and it seems like a lot of stuff has happened since then. That liver ultrasound came back fine, I have nothing wrong. Then, I got highlights put in my hair. A day or two after that, Dakota started getting sick. On Sunday the 18th, I took him to the ER early that morning because he had a 105 temp. I was told he had the flu and to just alternate Tylenol and Motrin - not much else could be done. They didn't test to see which kind of flu, but I hear that most flu cases right now are H1N1 - especially if you're not throwing up or anything. We had Dakota out of school for a week and a half. He's just been having trouble getting back to his normal self. He hasn't ran a fever for a couple of days so we were planning on him going back to school today. He woke up crying at 5:30 this morning and said that his ear was hurting really badly and he couldn't even drink anything because it made his ear hurt. He reeeaallly wanted to go to school though so I let him since he didn't have a fever. My cousin Christine was able to get him in to see a dr. today around 11, so I picked Dakota up early and took him to his appointment. The doc said that he has an ear infection and some congestion in his bronchial tubes. He prescribed an antibiotic so hopefully Dakota will start feeling normal again soon!

Last week, my uncle's house caught on fire. It pretty much destroyed everything but luckily everyone got out ok. My family has had some really bad luck the past 2 years. I'm trying to have a more positive outlook on life though. When something bad happens, I just try to remind myself what I have to be greatful for. And if there is a God, He/She/It apparently thinks that my family needs to be reminded repeatedly what we have and to not take things for granted.

The best thing that has happened in a while is my newphew Adrian being born. He was born on the 22nd, and is such an ADORABLE baby! My brother's girlfriend Jami said that I could be in the delivery room when it was born. That was just amazing for me. I never got to see my kids be born. I was put to sleep when Dakota was born. And when Mikayla was born it was another c-section. This time I was awake, but I had this barrier thing between my face and stomach so I couldn't see anything. So anyway, I'm a really proud aunt and I even get to babysit after Jami goes back to school!

Long day

2009-10-13T21:57:00.002-05:00

Today has been such a long day. First of all, Mikayla got me up at 4:45 this morning. She was wide awake and wanted to watch cartoons. That's what I get for letting her fall asleep early last night. Now I wish that I would have fallen asleep early last night too. Then, I had to go have a liver ultrasound done at 8:00 this morning. I was nervous about going. I knew it wouldn't hurt or anything, but I was just afraid the technician would say I had a tumor or something. I didn't hear anything though. She told me that the report would be to my doctor tomorrow so hopefully they will call me then.

This afternoon I met with the Java Joint uptown (local coffee shop). I met with them about selling some of the paper crafts I make (because people sell jewelry and art up there). She told me that my stuff looks very professional and she wants to buy my stuff wholesale (cheaper price, but buys in bulk). I was very surprised. I figured she'd tell me that my stuff wasn't good enough to sell. So anyway, I am pretty excited (and nervous)! She wants me to try making things that say The Java Joint on them too.

I went to yoga tonight. You know what is depressing? Yoga has got to be the most low impact exercise, and I still have trouble with it. Like, I can't hardly put any pressure on my wrist and my knees are starting to swell up and hurt more. I seriously feel like an old woman. I think I need to do water aerobics with the senior citizens. I am going to call my Rheumatologist tomorrow about my extra pain and swelling, and to see what kinds of exercises I should be staying away from.

Yesterday I went and got my ears re-pierced. I had them pierced a long time ago but then I wore cheap earrings and my ears got infected so I let them close back up. It cost $15 to get them pierced and for the titanium earrings so I don't think that's bad at all. Mikayla watched me get it done and she has decided that she doesn't want her ears pierced, lol... Anyway, so I won't be able to wear "cheap" earrings, so if anyone wants to get me some diamonds for Christmas I wouldn't be too upset about it :)

Alysia - DIGITAL Scrapbook kit

2009-10-12T16:25:00.002-05:00

Just thought some of my family members might like to see the scrapkit that I made, and named Alysia. The girl in the kit, I didn't make. It was a commercial use product that I bought, and I thought it would go really good with the kit. I know you guys don't scrapbook but I thought you might like to see it...

Group therapy droup-out

2009-10-11T00:46:00.002-05:00

Yep, it's official. I am now a drop-0ut. For many reasons, but one in particular was the fact that they acted like they needed to change me. I am always going to be shy and quiet. I always have been and that's who I am. And no - I don't show a lot of facial expressions - especially when I'm in a boring class. I'm not a perky type of person and I can't pretend to be to make someone happy. But they acted like there was something wrong with me because of this. Oh, and I'm switching doctors because mine is an a**hole. But I guess that means I'm stuck with Dr. Butt unless I go to St. Joe. Hey, that's kinda funny, one doc is an a**hole and the other is a Butt. ha ha ha... Anyway, another reason I quit was because I felt trapped. It was supposed to be a volunteer thing but at times they acted like you had to keep coming unless they "discharged" you. And the one girl who I had most in common with started talking about wanting to hurt herself and they sort of went behind her back to get things ready and then admitted her into the inpatient mental health unit. She was bawling that they were doing that to her and I felt so bad for her. I know it's for the best for her if she was actually wanting to kill herself, but there was just something about it that felt weird to me. So anyway, I'm just going to not allow myself to become such a recluse. I'm going to fill out more applications at businesses and I might volunteer more at Dakota's school. I just know where I'm NOT going back...

Liver and hair

2009-10-08T16:12:00.002-05:00

I had an appointment with my regular doc yesterday morning and had my drug test/liver function test redone. The good news is that my drug test was negative this time around! The bad news is that my liver enzymes are still elevated so now I have an appointment Tuesday morning to have a liver ultrasound done. That's making me a bit nervous...

I have been in the mood to do something different with my hair. I mentioned maybe getting highlights done, and my friend offered to do it for me! She was recently laid off and is trying to do a cosmetology thing on the side, so if you need anything done (and you live around here) let me know and I will give you her #. She went to Cosmetology school and has the stuff to do hair... I told John that I was going to let her do anything she wanted to my hair and I think he is freaking out a little. He took the time to research hair colors and styles, and put pics of what he likes in a folder on my desktop, lol... It's so cute. I think he was afraid that I would come home a platinum blonde or something!

5 day headache

2009-10-06T23:24:00.003-05:00

Well, I didn't get lucky and get out of group therapy yet. I'm told that they have to re-assess you on a weekly basis to get it ok'd with the insurance company for them to keep covering you. There goes my excuse. Oh well, it's not so bad really (when I can stay awake). I'm having a better outlook on it than I was before. I think that maybe it's actually doing some good. I think it really helps for me to get out of the house and around people. John said that he has actually notice a difference. He said that I seem happier. I think my meds are helping that too. I was switched back to Lexapro and taken off the Paxil, and I was also given some Abilify too. I had my first one-on-one with a Psychotherapist yesterday. He said that I'm not very nice to myself, lol... And he made me realize a few things that I hadn't realized before. Oh, and he says that I don't open up very well and I put a wall up. I was suprised by that because I thought that I had been opening up fairly well in the group. But apparently they all think I have an "air of mystery" surrounding me. I should just tell them to read my blogs, lol...

I didn't go to group today because I had a bad headache and I was feeling exhausted. I went back to sleep later this morning for about 4 hours and was still tired with a headache. So, I got to thinking that I've had a headache every day since Friday. Thursday night is when my Abilify was doubled. And Thursday night was also the first night that I didn't take Tylenol pm (because the doc told me not to take it anymore). So either it's the Abilify, or it's because I was addicted to the tylenol pm. Which I do think I was very dependent on it. And I'm having trouble relaxing or sitting still. I just feel really jittery.

Anyway, with an urge to start feeling more girly - the other night I bought some polish and painted my toenails for the first time in years. Of course, Mikayla was just intrigued by this since she has never seen it before. So, I had to paint her toes too. She is so proud of her toes. She keeps wanting to show people and get compliments on them. It's so cute!

Bad day

2009-09-29T20:50:00.002-05:00

You know how I said that I had my first drug test ever on Friday? Well, today in group therapy I was pulled into the office and was told that I tested positive for marijuana. I'm sure the look on my face was priceless. I've never even tried marijuana or any other drug for that matter. Heck, I don't even drink or smoke. I can just see it now - my name in the newspaper with drug charges beside it. Ugggg..... I just freaked out and started bawling in the office. I don't like feeling like I'm being blamed for something I have never done. The nurse told me that she believed me and the program coordinator said that she didn't believe I was doing drugs either. But the nurse faxed my results to my doctors. I don't want ANYBODY thinking that I'm doing drugs and I'm kinda pissed. I don't know why I would have a false positive. She said that my blood work also showed elevated levels of liver enzymes. She said that it could be that way from me taking tylenol pm every night but she wasn't sure. She said that it could also be a result of having hepatitis. The weird thing, is that about 5 years ago I donated blood in St. Joe. I got a letter from the blood center saying that they could not accept my blood because it showed that I have hepatitis B. I knew there was no way. I'm not afraid to admit to the world that my husband is the only person I've ever slept with. And obviously I haven't been sharing needles, had a blood tranfusion, etc... I freaked out and called my doc for them to test me. That test came back negative. So I don't know what the heck is going on with me and my faulty tests. I'm supposed to check with my primary care physician and get my liver enzymes checked again, and also have another drug test done. I am just so scared it's gonna be positive again, and then how am I going to prove that I'm not a druggie???

Group therapy

2009-09-28T00:03:00.002-05:00

Friday was my second day of group therapy, and I had to show up an hour early again. This time was to get blood drawn and pee in a cup. They had a bunch of test they wanted to run, which required a lot of blood. My veins are pretty stubborn too. The lady taking my blood couldn't find my vein (in the regular place you get your blood drawn) - so she had to do it in the middle of my forearm. Then, after 2 1/2 vials the blood flow stopped. She had to keep pulling out of the vein and push back in in a different place. It was not fun. And now I have a giant bruise on my arm. The urine sample was for a drug test - I guess they wanted to make sure that my "craziness" wasn't because I was doing drugs. You know, in all my life I had never had a drug test done on me. What's that blue water for in the toilet anyway?

I think the weirdest thing about group therapy is the fact that they are all happy. They are kind of perky, in fact. It's reeeaaallllyyyy weird... I assumed that everyone there would be depressed and non-social (or yelling out random words at random times). These people talk non-stop. Apparently, I'm the only anti-social one. And the only non-perky one. When it was just me and this other guy in the room - he told me that if I didn't cheer up they weren't gonna let me out of there. I suppose it wouldn't do much good to tell them that the group bores me to the point of wanting to shoot myself (yes - that was a joke). I'm afraid that if I don't go back tomorrow, my doc won't give me any more refills on my meds. Speaking of meds....the people in my group suggested we make a "fruit salad" tomorrow. Apparently, that's where everyone brings all their meds and mixes them in a bowl together. Hmmm...maybe I SHOULD try a little bit of what they are having, ha ha...

Anyway, I got a letter in the mail yesterday from my insurance company. They said that they will only cover for me to have group therapy for 7 days. So luckily, I have a good excuse not to go back after this week!!!

Appointments

2009-09-24T20:02:00.002-05:00

I met with my counselor again. She seems to think that something in my childhood has happened to make me feel the way I do about myself, and to feel the way I feel around people. I really don't know what that could be. I don't remember most of my childhood at all. And it seems like my long term memory is just getting worse. I'm already forgetting a lot of things that happened when my kids were babies. The counselor thinks that maybe I should get a CAT scan done to rule out anything physical going on. That freaks me out a little bit.

I had my first appointment with a psychiatrist yesterday. He told me that with the way I dress in baggy tshirts and put my hair back, I look like I'm 40. Gee, thanks doc. I'm kinda fat so of course I'm not gonna be wearing tight fitting shirts like all the other 20-somethings do. And honestly, I don't have the motivation to do anything to my hair or wear make-up. From the moment I had Dakota, I stopped caring about stuff like that. When I was younger, I vaguely remember ALWAYS making sure I had my fingernails painted. Ok, so maybe half the time I wore purple or black polish - but atleast I cared about what my fingernails looked like. I don't think I've painted my nails in over 6 years. And am I supposed to dress nicely and wear makeup and do my hair to go see a dr??? Anyone who reads my blogs knows how I freak out about my age...so having a professional tell me that I look about 40 upsets me. I don't know if he was trying to kick my butt into making me do things that will make me feel better about myself or what... Seriously, no joke, he said "Surely, you used to look better than this"...... I'm not sure that is the best thing to say to a depressed patient. I'm thinking I should just wear a paper bag over my head.

Oh, so after that conversation we talked about my social anxiety. He decided to put me in this group therapy program. I guess he thinks that making me be in a group setting might help. I really don't think it will help but at the same time I know that isolating myself definitely isn't helping. Today was sooooo boring. There was around 7 other people in my group and a few different people came in to talk to the group as a whole about everyone's problems. So I had to listen to everyone tell the exact same story about themselves 3 times - for 5 1/2 hours. Ugggg.... And honestly I don't feel like I even belong there. I've never tried killing myself, I've never tried hurting others, I don't have psychotic episodes (like certain other people). I just don't like being around people so I guess that makes me crazy. Anyway, I'm gonna try it another day. I guess. We will see how things go.

I'm already off of the waiting list for voc rehab and I had an appt this afternoon. It was kind of a waste. I was hoping they could help me pay for some graphic design classes or something. But John makes to much money for us to be able to qualify for that. They are supposed to help me look for a job but considering that there aren't any jobs here (especially ones that don't require me to stand for long periods of time), I'm not holding out any hope.

Our cat has been using us as a scratching post so John took it yesterday to get declawed. They ended up calling us to inform us that our cat Bella is not a girl. So, ummm...we looked kinda stupid. But hey, the lady that gave us the cat told us that it was a girl and we never did check. So anyway, after a vote with the kids - the new name for HIM is Jasper (yes - from Twilight).

Volunteering

2009-09-14T00:47:00.003-05:00

I am now volunteering at Dakota's school on Friday's during lunch time. This last Friday was my first time. I'm not doing it out of the goodness of my heart though. I'm just doing it so I can see how Dakota interacts with his classmates. Anyway, it was kind of crazy. The other mom that volunteers on Fridays describes it as organized chaos. I didn't think that I would have much to do but watch, but I was wrong! The cafeteria will filled with 80-something Kindergartners, and there was only me, the other mom, and the lunch room lady to take care of these kids! No wonder the teachers send home notes saying they could use cafeteria volunteers. The teachers all drop off the students in the cafeteria and then they go somewhere else and have a nice quiet lunch somewhere. Hardly any of these kids can open up their milk cartons themselves, and there are of course other things they need help with (like putting ketchup on their plates, cutting their meat, replacing dropped silverware, etc...).

One little girl told me that the boy sitting across from her said that he was going to kiss her hair. She was pretty upset by this. It was kind of funny, but I felt bad for her. I vaguely remember myself in 2nd grade telling my teacher that a boy kissed my hand. I remember being upset by that. Kids can be funny. Kids can also be really sweet - one other little girl told me that I looked pretty. And it's funny at how much attention these kids craved - maybe it was just me being the new person - but a bunch of them wanted my attention. The lunchroom lady wasn't really very nice, and definitely didn't have any patience with these kids. I understand that years of dealing with the kids have probably driven her off the deep end - but she could at least pretend to be enjoying being around kids. I mean, she does work at a school...

All the other kids were being loud and talking and laughing, but Dakota just kept to himself. Actually, when he was done eating he just there trying to blow on his lunch box to see if he could knock it over. When that didn't work, he kept knocking it over with his arms. I just know that he was imagining being Godzilla in that little dreamworld that he lives in. He is always pretending to be Godzilla or one of those other characters like that. Nobody can say that he doesn't have a good imagination! I'm just afraid that his imagination is what is making him struggle at school.

Feeling like a bad mother

2009-09-09T01:25:00.002-05:00

I finally heard back from Voc Rehab. They have 3 priority categories - with priority 1 being most significant and priority 3 being least. They have classified me in category 2. I am pretty surprised by that. It's weird for me to think about myself as being disabled. I guess whenever I thought about disabled people, the wheelchair bound kind was what always came to mind. I figured I would be pushed back to category 3. But I am still on a waiting list anyway, and I have no idea how long that will take. And once they get to me, I'm not even positive what they can do to help me anyway.

Things are going ok with the new counselor. She definitely doesn't tell you the kinds of things you want to hear. She tells it like it is. This is so much different than my first couselor, who was really nice and just seemed like more of a shoulder to cry on or whatever. My new counselor just seems...I don't really know what the word would be. She is definitely determined and is coming up with a "plan" to "fix" me. I guess she seems more like a teacher. Don't get me wrong, I like her, and I've heard from several people that she is really good. But she kind of makes me feel like a bad mom. At the last appointment, it seemed like Dakota is mostly what we talked about. About my attachment issues and his. Basically, his attachment issues to me are all my fault and blah, blah, blah... I wanted to argue back and say that there is nothing wrong with wanting to have a close relationship to your child. But deep down, I know that I am making things harder on him in the long run. Things are hard on him now, even - with going to school. Maybe if I would have spent a little more time away from him - going to school wouldn't be so traumatic for him. Every morning, all the Kindergarteners meet in the gym. There's probably about a hundred of them in there (I don't know, I'm not good at estimating things like that). Dakota is the only child trying to run after his mom. His teacher has to hold him back while I walk out of there every morning with him crying LOUDLY for me not to leave. So, that makes me feel even worse than I was already feeling about being a bad mom.

I emailed Dakota's teacher this morning about how he is doing at school. She said that she does have some concerns and that she can't "figure him out". He hasn't opened up to her like the other students have. She said that he sometimes just stares off into space. And she is concerned with his fine motor skills. Oh, and she wants me to try dropping him off outside in the mornings instead of walking him in. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm not sure I can get him to go into the school without me dragging him in there.

Some good news

2009-09-01T17:15:00.002-05:00

Well, I actually have some good news for a change. I won $195 in a logo design contest! It has given me some confidence to enter more of these contests. Also, I started a new blog for advertising my logo "business" if you want to check it out. Click HERE. I've been working with the lady whom I made the winning logo for, and she asked me how much I would charge to design her business cards. Because I'm such a nice person (and because I was excited at winning a contest), I told her that I wouldn't charge her extra. She told me that she would pay me extra anyway!

I never did hear back on Mikayla's urine sample. Her yearly checkup is tomorrow though so I can ask about it then. Yesterday she started running a fever and was saying that her ears hurt. So it's a good thing she already has a doctors appointment!

I feel like this is going to be a bad winter - for 2 reasons. First, because of sickness reasons. I hear that the college here in town already has 2 possible cases of swine flu. It makes me want to home school Dakota. Anyway, I just have a bad feeling that my kids are gonna be constantly sick (or maybe that's just my paranoia or anxiety talking). And the second reason I think it's going to be a bad winter is because of the weather. It seemed like summer started late this year and it's ending early. In August we were having to wear jackets to take Dakota to school. And August should be one of the hottest months of the year. The leaves have been falling off the tree in our front yard for a while now. I think winter is going to come early, it's gonna suck, and it's going to be never ending. So much for global warming...

Oh yeah, how could I almost forget to blog about this??? I got a cat! John mentioned to a lady he works with about how I've been wanting to get a kitten. And she just so happened to have some! So, John got me a little black and white kitty, and I named her Bella (from Twilight of course). For some odd reason, she seems to like John the most. She just seems to love him and she wont leave him alone! She even tries cleaning his facial hair with her tongue. It's hilarious! And she likes to sit on his shoulder like she thinks she's a parrot or something. I have to admit that she's a little bit annoying. She likes to sleep with us (any of us), but she thinks she has to be up by our faces. Mikayla just LOVES the cat. She was soooo excited to get it. Unfortunately, she has a cold or something. She is constantly sneezing and coughing so I guess we will be taking her to the vet. Good thing I won that money...

The adventures of getting a urine sample

2009-08-27T22:07:00.002-05:00

Mikayla has never liked to have her diaper changed, but the past several days she has started screaming and crying when we use a wipe on her. Also, a couple of days ago she said something about her pee-pee hurting. I got her in to see a nurse practitioner yesterday morning. She wasn't a whole lot of help. Mikayla isn't potty trained so getting her to pee in a cup was out of the question. What she should have done was cath her. But I don't think she wanted to bother, so she stuck a plastic bag to Mikayla's crotch and then put Mikayla's pants back on her. She sent me home with a cup to pour the pee into. But not only did Mikayla walk bow legged half the day - she refused to go pee. After lunch, Mikayla took a 3 hour nap. She woke up dry. Now keep in mind that Mikayla slept the night before without peeing, and all day so far without going pee. But even if she did pee in that bag, it probably would have spilled out while she was laying down. The bag might have worked ok on a boy, but girls are shaped differently. So anyway, she woke up from her nap and the bag started coming off so I took it the rest of the way off. I went and got her potty chair (that she never uses), put it in front of the tv, put the cup in the bowl of the chair, and sat Mikayla on it. She sat there for a very long time watching cartoons - but no pee. Finally, after getting so uncomfortable, she got up and begged me to put her diaper on. I did, and she instantly peed in it. I called the nurse practitioner and told her that Mikayla refused to pee in anything but her diaper, and she made an appt for Mikayla to see her regular doctor this morning.

So, we see her regular doc this morning and she of course wants to do the cath. I knew Mikayla would hate it, but I knew it would be for the best. It took me, and 2 nurses to hold her down, and a 3rd nurse to do the cath. Mikayla was screaming and crying so loud, you would have thought we were trying to murder her. Even the old lady in the next room started bawling, she felt so bad for Mikayla. Anyway, the nurse didn't do the cath right or something. She got a tiny amount, and the rest of the urine went all over the bed and soaked Mikayla's shirt. The amount she did get was enough to do a dip test but not enough to do the culture. The dip test turned out fine. But the doc wanted a culture done on it. So she sent me home with yet another cup. I had Mikayla stand with her legs apart while I held the cup under her. I let her lean on me and we did this in the front room so she could watch Ni Hao Kilan. I must have stayed in the same akward position for 20 minutes straight. Then I felt like my arm was gonna fall off. So I put the cup in her potty chair again and had her sit on it. And I got desperate. Not only did I threaten her with taking her back to the doctor to have another cath done again, I did all sorts of bribing and begging. Telling her that I would take her to Walmart so she could by a toy kitty cat seemed to excite her. But she still sat a long time without doing anything. Finally she couldn't hold it any longer and when she asked for her diaper on, I refused. She FINALLY sat on her potty and went. She was so proud of herself! Only a third of her pee went into the cup (I guess I didn't have it positioned right), but when I took it the the doctors office, the nurse thought it would be enough. Hopefully we will hear the results tomorrow. And luckily, she found a stuffed cat for $5.

Hard to let go

2009-08-25T01:37:00.003-05:00

I was just looking at Alysia's myspace page. I've looked at her page every day since the wreck. I look at the 'last login' date, like I think it's going to change or something. But it stays at Aug. 18th - the day before she died, and it makes me sad all over again. And it's hard to login to myspace and see her face right there among all the other people on my friends list... Anyway, I was reading through her blogs and found the poem she wrote after Steve was killed. She had it read at Steve's funeral, and I wish that I would have had it read at hers too :(

Hard To Let Go

I'm thinking of the day,
When I got the phone call that told me you had passed away,
I knew that eventually I would have to say good-bye
I knew that I was going to cry,
I think that is what makes today such a hard day, every day I pray,
While I'm missing you
And I hope you're missing me too
For long I didn't see you,
But I was missing you
And wishing for you.
I'm now thinking how this could be,
Why is this happening?
How could this be?
As life goes on people grow old,
Life has mysterious paths,
Well I've been told.
What I don't get is that you weren't old,
And you had done nothing wrong.
Why is all this happening?
All we can do is hold on
Hold on to the memories,
That we had each day,
Just hold on and pray.
I love you uncle Steve
We'll never be apart,
You'll be forever with me,
In my mind and in my heart.
Soon we'll all be together,
You, dad, mom, and me
And until then I'll hold on to the memories,
And the missing will stop

-Alysia Roberts

Counseling

2009-08-25T00:24:00.002-05:00

I had my first appointment with a new counselor today. Awhile back, my doc suggested that I see this counselor who she said was really good. There was a bit of a waiting list, and it just so happens that my first appt. with her was 5 days after Alysia's death. I think it was good timing. I'm sort of having some trouble dealing with this. I keep getting this image in my head of seeing her in that casket - and she didn't look like herself at all. I know that the car accident was a very traumatic one - and that she had a lot of injuries. And I knew all that beforehand... I don't know, it's just hard to explain. I also found out that Alysia didn't die instantly. She was screaming "help me" before she died and that just breaks my heart :( It also breaks my heart to see my aunt and uncle go through their grief. They are such good people - they would do anything to help anyone. About a couple of weeks ago, I ran into them at Walmart and asked them if they knew where the rag rugs were - the type Dakota needed for school. Vetra went out of her way to call me about the rug afterwards to see if I ever found one and to search for one while she was out and about shopping. Most people wouldn't have cared or given it a second thought if I found the rug or not. That's just the type of people they are.

I was at 2 funerals last week for young people. It just goes to show that it doesn't matter how old you are - it only takes an instant to die. Life is so fragile and that is part of what is bothering me. I am prone to anxiety, but all this just about puts me over the edge. I am scared to death. I am scared OF death. I am scared of anyone else I know dying. I am scared to ride in a car out of town. I'm scared of myself dying. Nobody knows exactly what happens when you die. And I know there are a billion people that will tell me otherwise, but there is NO PROOF. Faith is something the counselor talked to me about today. She is very religious. Some people just don't seem to understand that I can't believe in something just because I want to. I know people judge me for that, but the fact is - I can't help it. I can be told a million times, I can read about it a million times, but it will still be hard for me to believe... Trust me, I want to believe so badly that Heaven exists and that people will be with their loved ones again someday. I will go out on a limb and pray... "God, if you exist - give me a sign. And killing off my family members isn't a very good one..."

Anyway, the counselor thinks she needs to see me on a weekly basis for awhile. Luckily, I only have a $20 copay with this counselor (compared to the $40 copay with the other one I was seeing). One thing she said was that she thinks I have attachment issues to my kids, and in return - they've got some attachment issues to me. I have to admit that she's right... She said that I need to start going on dates with John and take the kids to a babysitter. I just sort of feel incomplete when my kids aren't with me. When John and I do actually go to a sit-down restaurant, we always take the kids with us. I like having them there. I think my social anxiety plays a part in my attachment issues though. Since I don't really like going places and being around people, I never have a need to get a babysitter.

Voc Rehab called me last week, to verify how to spell my name. Apparently, they didn't have it spelled correctly so none of the doctors offices would send them my medical records. So, who knows when I will hear something from them. The counselor I talked to today told me that she wouldn't be suprised if Voc Rehab paid for me to take graphic designs classes at the college. I hope she's right....

Seatbelts

2009-08-20T22:32:00.003-05:00

My cousin Alysia Roberts was killed yesterday in a car accident when one of her tires blew out. She was only 20 years old. Her vehicle had flipped several times and she was ejected. Had she been wearing her seat belt, she might have survived. I am asking everyone who reads my blogs to always wear your seat belt. I don't want to lose anyone else I love, especially over something that only takes 2 seconds of your time to do.

One thing that I have been reminded of this past week, is how fragile life is. Don't take the people in your life for granted. Today might be their last day.

The following is a picture that Alysia put on her myspace. She had posted a lot of pictures of herself, but this one was my favorite. I thought she looked really beautiful in this picture, but I never did tell her that. Now I wish that I had...